The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 15: HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

IT IS well known that the Church firmly opposes marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. Her opposition is based not so much on practical considerations as it is on principle. Christian marriage is the sacred union of two people called by God to assist Jesus Christ in the work of the redemption. And the mixed marriage, no matter how successful it may occasionally be socially or psychologically, can never be a perfect sacramental union. Lacking a common divine faith, the couple will always be found wanting as a worshipping and redemptive unit of the Church. How can they teach, rule and sanctify each other and their children in Christ's name when one of the parties is not committed to the fullness of the Christian gospel? How can they build up the Mystical Body of Christ--and be channels of grace to each other- -when the non-Catholic does not comprehend the mystery of sacramental marriage? How can the mixed marriage signify the union of Christ and the Church and be characterized by total dedication to supernatural purposes and complete Christlike self-sacrifice when there can never be agreement on the goals of marriage, even on its nature?

In the practical order human imperfections mar every marriage. Catholic marriages unfortunately are no exceptions to this rule. But the mixed marriage is something special. The very sacrament itself is radically affected by the denial of faith on one side. It can never be a perfect union of mind, heart and soul, and can never realize the supernatural potential of the sacramental Catholic union. To avoid greater evils the Church may accept less than the ideal, but never does she compromise this basic truth. And it is the hope of Mother Church that more and more of her parents will strive to see this ideal realized in their children.

Her teaching is fortified by her experience of centuries. Through almost two thousand years of her history, she has seen the results of such unions--their harmful effects upon the marriage relationship itself, the tensions between mixed couples, the loss of faith by spouses, the confusion and irreligion of children and the frequent dangers to eternal salvation resulting from them. Despite her solid principles and her constant warning, many Catholic parents appear to believe, first, that a mixed marriage for their children is neither a bad thing nor as dangerous to their happiness as priests commonly assert, and second, that the danger of contracting one is remote or magnified.

Statistics covering marriages in all parts of the United States prove otherwise. If you have three children, the mathematical chance is that one will marry a non-Catholic, either validly or invalidly. If you live where Catholics are a small minority, the danger may be even more acute. In some parts of the South, four out of every five marriages performed in the Church are mixed.

These statistics reflect disturbing pressures which result in the marriage of more and more Catholics every year to persons outside the faith. These pressures result, ironically, from the improved living conditions of American Catholics. Not many years ago, the typical Catholic was either an immigrant or the child of immigrants. He lived in a section where similar Catholic families lived and thus had many opportunities to meet members of his own faith. Now, however, second- generation Catholics have moved into the general population stream. As likely as not, a Catholic family today finds a Jewish neighbor on one side and a Protestant neighbor on the other. Opportunities to meet members of other faiths in social and business contacts have increased tremendously, while chances to meet members of our own faith have decreased correspondingly.

Sociologists refer to the movement of Catholics into all levels of society as our "social mobility." Generally, it indicates progress: we are taking a rightful and necessary place in all areas of our country's life. But as Catholics become better educated and occupy more and more places of importance in the professional, business and civic worlds, the tendency to form friendships with non-Catholics is intensified. Obviously, we should not retreat into a shell and should take our place in society. At the same time, however, we should become conscious of the increased dangers which this social progress creates, and of the need to protect the faith of Catholic children against them. For if present trends continue, when your young children reach adulthood, their statistical chance of marrying a Catholic may be no greater than that of marrying outside the faith.

Why the Church opposes mixed marriages. Statistics compiled by the Bishops' Committee on Mixed Marriages and by other investigators establish that three out of five Catholics who are involved in a mixed marriage (including those performed outside the Church) turn away from their religion in a significant way. They stop attending Mass. Or they attend infrequently. Or if they attend regularly, they are unable to receive the sacraments because they live in a state of sin.

An even greater percentage of children born to such marriages are lost to the faith. The child's path to salvation is strewn with hazards. He may never even be baptized a Catholic. If he does receive baptism, he may grow up in a home where spiritual values of any kind do not exist, or where he is taught that "one religion is as good as another." He is less likely to attend Catholic schools than is the child whose parents are both Catholic. And when he marries, he is more likely to choose a partner of a different belief. He is, in fact, psychologically ripe for a mixed marriage: didn't his father (or mother) marry a non-Catholic, and didn't that marriage turn out well?

In view of the Church's primary concern with saving souls, she cannot remain indifferent to the spiritual loss resulting from interfaith unions. But even if the all-important consideration of your child's salvation were not involved, as a conscientious parent you would still have the responsibility of opposing mixed marriages for earthly reasons.

For instance, such unions are more likely to break up in divorce, separation or desertion than those in which both partners profess the same faith. One study shows that the rate of divorce and separation is about three times higher in Catholic-Protestant marriages than in those without religious differences. Even when religious difficulties seemingly have been resolved, numerous students of marriage have found that latent tension remains beneath the surface. This often reflects itself in disputes over other matters--the training of children or the observance of religious feasts like Christmas and Easter, for example-- and in similar ways.

In their textbook "Building a Successful Marriage," sociologists Judson T. and Mary G. Landis stress that an important characteristic of most happy marriages is the similarity in the partners' backgrounds and interests. In dozens of vital areas, the basic beliefs instilled in a non-Catholic home differ substantially from those of the Catholic. The non-Catholic often has different beliefs about divorce, birth control, and the ideal conditions in which to educate his children. He may even differ about the omnipotence of God, the divinity of Christ, the importance of the sacraments, and the existence of heaven and hell.

Your religious beliefs touch the very roots of your being. You cannot disagree about such basic matters as why you have been placed on earth, where you will go after death and how you should live your life without affecting the basic fabric of your marriage. Thus Catholic and non- Catholic partners who resolve not to let religious differences interfere with their happiness often find that the gap between them is too great to be bridged. If there are no outward disagreements, at the very least, there is lacking the essential ingredient for true mutual harmony--a complete understanding of and agreement with the partner's viewpoint.

Another hazard in mixed marriages is that the strain of adjusting to in-laws will probably be magnified. Despite great strides made against racial and religious prejudices in America, parents of all faiths tend to be deeply shocked when their children marry outside the fold. Even when the Catholic wife is accepted personally by her in-laws, for instance, they often bitterly complain that their son has "been forced to degrade himself" by agreeing to the rigid conditions the Church requires before validating such a marriage. Or if the Catholic party is accepted, it may be with the in-laws' silent or spoken reservation that other members of the faith are ignorant, superstitious, or lacking in some moral quality. Or even where Catholics as a body are accepted, the non-Catholic relatives may display prejudice against the Church as represented by the clergy.

The non-Catholic may receive similar treatment from relatives of the Catholic partner. As a result, two conflicting forces are set up. Even if the man and wife themselves try diligently to live in harmony, they will find that they must proceed with their in-laws with the utmost caution lest the religious animosity bubbling beneath the surface suddenly boil up to engulf them.

Finally, the children of mixed marriages will surely be subjected to greater tension than those whose parents agree on religious matters. One can see evidence of such tension in countless ways. An eight-year- old boy was taught that man was made to worship God and that one way of doing so was by attending Mass on Sundays. But his father never attended Mass. The loyal child believed in the Church's teaching, yet also found it difficult to believe that his father was offending God. He was torn between two sets of values--one taught at school and by his mother, another by his father. It was not difficult to understand why a psychologist found strong evidence of insecurity in the boy's personality.

In another family, the non-Catholic mother faithfully observed her promises to rear her children as Catholics. But her sister seemed to be engaged in constant travel between justices of the peace and the divorce courts. On the one hand, the children were taught that divorce was evil and that those who remarried after divorce committed sin; but how could they believe that their beloved aunt was dooming herself to hell? Such divisive influences make it extremely difficult to give children lasting values on which to build their lives.

A sensitive boy of twelve has a Catholic mother and a Jewish father. Sometimes he is in the company of Christians and at other times of Jews. When with Gentiles, he often hears disparaging references to Jews; and when with Jews, he hears them sneering at Catholics. In either place, this child is a stranger without roots. He now attends no church. However, he spends several hours each week with a psychiatrist.

All faiths opposed mixed marriages. In view of the natural hazards which exist in all interfaith unions, it is easy to see that the Church's opposition is neither narrow nor bigoted, as some critics allege. The fact is that religious leaders of all denominations--as well as nonsectarian experts on marriage--universally warn young people to marry within their own faith.

Because of the diversity of Protestant belief, no uniform position is adopted by their clergymen and spokesmen. However, the vast majority oppose mixed marriages and they especially warn their members against marrying a Roman Catholic. For example, the Presbyterian "Confession of Faith" warns members not to marry "with infidels, Papists, or other idolaters." In 1948, the general conventions of the Protestant Episcopal Church adopted a resolution as follows:

"Resolved, that this convention earnestly warns members of our Church against contracting marriages with Roman Catholics under conditions imposed by modern Roman Catholic common law, especially as these conditions involve a promise to have their children brought up under a religious system which they cannot themselves accept; and further, because the religious education and spiritual training of their children by word and example is a paramount duty of parents and should never be neglected nor left entirely to others, we assert that in no circumstances should a member of this Church give any understanding as a condition of marriage, that the children should be brought up in the practice of another communion."

Similar statements have been made by spokesmen for the Lutherans, Southern Baptists, Methodists, Disciples of Christ and other sects.

The Jews have struggled throughout history to preserve their religion from infiltration by outsiders. Even today, orthodox Hebrews stand unalterably opposed to marrying a Gentile, and the orthodox Jew who does so is thought to have rejected his religion and to have left the fold forever. Reformed and liberal Jews also strongly disapprove of interfaith unions.

Despite the indisputable fact that chances for happiness are considerably lessened when husband and wife profess different religions, many thousands of couples persist in undertaking such marriages every year. They prefer to overlook the unhappy marriages and to consider instead those unions which have achieved some success. It is true that some interfaith marriages work out satisfactorily for husband, wife and children. In some cases, the home which results from a mixed marriage is a model of sanctity. From such homes have even come priests, brothers and nuns, as well as respected laymen whose piety many of us with both Catholic fathers and mothers might well emulate.

These brilliant exceptions do not alter the fact, however, that the typical person entering a mixed marriage enters a life of difficulty. He may succeed in it; but he will require a greater sense of sacrifice and greater understanding, patience and love than most humans are able to give.

A young man once announced to his pastor that he planned to marry a Protestant girl. To the priest's argument that mixed marriages are filled with danger, the young man said he knew of such unions which had succeeded. The pastor then asked if the man would drive his car down a main street of the city at midday at eighty miles per hour.

The young man laughed. "Of course not, Father," he said, "I'd get killed."

The priest smiled. "Not necessarily," he said. "I know a man who did it and is still alive."

The caller got the point. He later broke off with the girl, because he realized that only extraordinary luck would enable them to contract a mixed marriage and not regret it.

Church rules on mixed marriages. From her beginnings, the Church has always insisted upon her right to protect the soul of the Catholic against all dangers to salvation that he may encounter. She has this authority because she was established by Jesus Christ as His means by which human beings can be saved. The Church's divinely ordained function therefore makes it necessary for her to prevent any conditions which hinder men from reaching the Kingdom of God. For this reason she forbids mixed marriages. Only by obtaining a dispensation from this rule may a Catholic marry outside the faith. The Church grants a dispensation only when it appears that a greater danger might result from her unwillingness to do so.

To protect the souls of the Catholic and of any future children, however, she always requires the non-Catholic spouse to promise solemnly that his partner will be completely free to practice her religion and that all their children will be educated as Catholics. The Catholic spouse must also promise to practice her religion and to educate her children in the faith.

Most non-Catholics object to these conditions. In fact, some ministers maintain that a Protestant who sincerely believes in his own religion cannot possibly sign such promises in good faith. One Protestant leaflet characterizes the antenuptial agreement as undemocratic and un- American "because it is essentially unfair."

Many Protestant writers have striven to point out exactly what these promises mean. They truthfully assert that the non-Catholic who understands them fully would lose most--if not all--of his enthusiasm for a mixed marriage. The simple fact is that the non-Catholic must sign away rights and privileges which he perhaps holds in the highest esteem. For instance, by agreeing not to interfere with his Catholic wife s practice of her religion, he must follow the moral law as regards birth control: to practice contraception would be to encourage his wife to sin. Because it may not be practical to prepare separate dinners on Friday, he may find himself involuntarily obeying Church law regarding abstinence. He must steel himself to the realization that his wife will tell her sins to a priest, pray to the Blessed Virgin and the saints, bow to the Pope's authority in matters of faith and morals, and indulge in other practices which he may have been taught from childhood represent "superstition" and "'ignorance."

Promises he must make regarding his children's upbringing have even greater implications. As a conscientious parent, he must help instruct them in doctrines which he himself believes to be false. He usually will not. Regardless of what he thinks is wrong with the Church or of his personal feelings about the sacraments, the necessity of confession and Communion, the infallibility of the Pope, or the need to abstain from meat on Friday, he is now expected to teach his own flesh and blood the very antithesis of his own convictions. He usually does not.

Moreover, as his children develop their own religious beliefs within a Catholic framework, he must watch them grow apart from him. At the sacred moments of family life--when a child is baptized, receives his First Communion, or is confirmed; during times of family tragedy, like the death of a beloved parent; during great holy days like Christmas and Easter which should be occasions of family unity--the non-Catholic parent will find himself alone. His partner and children will go to their own church to worship God in a way he does not understand.

The prenuptial promises are merely part of the bitter medicine that the non-Catholic must swallow. He must take a series of six lessons in Catholic doctrine which will give him a general understanding of his wife's religious practices. He must submit to questioning by a priest to determine whether he is free to marry in the eyes of the Church and whether he fully and unreservedly intends to observe the laws of God forbidding divorce. Finally, he must agree to be married before a priest. He cannot have a second marriage performed elsewhere.

From the forgoing it can be seen that the non-Catholic who lightheartedly signs the prenuptial promises is making a grievous error. Many lifetime tragedies would be averted if every non-Catholic could be made to realize that he must make great sacrifices if his marriage to a Catholic is to achieve any degree of happiness. It is not correct to say, however, that all mixed marriages require more of the non-Catholic. In many cases, when the solemn pledges are discarded and ignored, the Catholic must become a veritable martyr to make the marriage work. In the matter of religious instruction of her children, for example, a Catholic wife may find that she must be father and mother both and must also resist attacks upon the faith within her own household. She must try to educate her children in a Catholic atmosphere while they draw examples of a different kind from their father. She may have to perform her own religious duties without any encouragement or help. In order to keep peace within the family, she may even find herself watering down her own religious convictions.

The Catholic entering a mixed marriage often fails to understand one vital factor. It is that she is literally at the mercy of the non- Catholic in fulfilling the terms of the prenuptial agreement. The stark truth is that the promises solemnly made before marriage are worthless if the non-Catholic chooses to make them so. And many non-Catholic partners choose to do so. In their book "Marriage and the Family," Dr. Clement S. Mihanovich, Brother Gerald Schnepp, S.M., and Father John L. Thomas, S.J., cite figures indicating that the prenuptial promises are not kept in about 30 per cent of all mixed marriages. Moreover, there is no practical way to make a person keep his promises. For instance, in a recent decision the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that a Catholic could not employ the court to enforce the contract--meaning, in effect, that prenuptial pledges are valid only so long as the non-Catholic partner cares to fulfill them.

Another point which the prospective Catholic partner in a mixed marriage should ponder is that she stands to lose considerably more than her partner if the union proves to be unsatisfactory. The non- Catholic may adopt the attitude that since the marriage has not worked, he can obtain a divorce and remarry. But the Catholic is married for life. Even if her partner obtains a divorce and remarries in the eyes of the State, she remains married in the eyes of God. Because of this factor, the non-Catholic sometimes assumes a domineering position, knowing that the Catholic has no recourse if he chooses to end their relationship A Protestant in a mixed marriage once summed up in a sentence how he managed to gain his own way whenever differences of opinion arose with his Catholic wife. "I just tell her I can walk out and get married again any time I please, and it works every time," he said.

Because a mother is closest to the children in their formative years, a Catholic wife might succeed in raising them in the faith even if their non-Catholic father refused to fulfill his promises. But the Catholic father who can educate his children as Catholics if their mother opposes him is a rarity. As an indication of the difficulty the Catholic man faces in an interfaith union, one survey shows that the divorce and separation rate is three times greater when the mother in a mixed marriage is a non-Catholic than when the father is.

Do mixed marriages make converts? Catholics seeking to justify such a marriage sometimes say that they are sure they can convert their partner. In the prenuptial promises, the Catholic must agree to work for conversion, of course. But actually the hope that the non-Catholic will enter the Church after marriage is a somewhat forlorn one.

Studies by the author in one large diocese in Florida showed that there is one chance in five that a mixed marriage will result in the conversion of the non-Catholic party. Surveys made in other areas have indicated that as few as one person in twenty is brought into the fold as a result of marriage to a Catholic. On the other hand, it has been established that about 25 per cent of Catholics in valid mixed marriages sever their connection with the Church and 20 per cent might be classified as indifferent since they attend Mass only occasionally. Thus the Catholic who marries with hopes of converting her partner faces a likelihood that not only will he not be converted, but that she will lose the faith as well.

Sometimes when a non-Catholic's offer of marriage is refused, he volunteers to take the necessary instructions and to become a Catholic. A person who lacks deep religious roots of any kind will make this proposal merely for the sake of marrying the girl. The religion itself means little or nothing to him. On the other hand, some of the most admirable of present-day Catholics, and of Catholics throughout history, turned to the Church in adulthood. For this reason, no expression of interest in Catholicism should be rejected without the most careful consideration.

The sincerity of a prospective convert can be tested easily. His intended bride could attend the instructions with him and judge by his questions and his general attitude whether he is accepting the Church because of sincere belief. A person who truly believes in Catholicism and is anxious to become a convert will discuss doctrines enthusiastically and attend devotions voluntarily. The man who displays little or no interest in discussing religion and does not desire to attend Mass and other devotions until his baptism, hardly manifests an attitude which will enable him to remain true to the faith after the first glow of conversion has worn off.

How you can help your child avoid a mixed marriage. How can you minimize the danger that your child may marry outside the faith?

1. Teach him from his early days about its danger. Of course, you should not use the false approach that Catholics are "better" than other people. But you can stress the fact that we are different--and that we have different views on our responsibility to God and our fellow man, on the divinity of the Savior, on the permanence of marriage, on moral questions such as birth control, and on many other points. When questions about marriage or divorce arise in the family circle as a result of news developments, use the occasion to discuss with your youngster the Catholic teaching on these subjects, emphasizing the importance of marrying a person who shares the same views concerning them. At the same time, instill in your child a reverence for his religion so that he will abhor the thought of endangering it through marriage.

2. Provide ways for your child to meet other Catholics naturally. You can do this by enrolling him in Catholic schools or by encouraging him to join the Newman Club where Catholic schooling is not available. Try to get him active in church groups like the Catholic Youth Organization, the parish choir, and similar bodies. By increasing his contacts with Catholics, you will magnify his opportunities to meet attractive Catholics of the other sex. In communities where Catholics are a small minority, make a conscious effort to form friendships with other Catholic families and to encourage their youngsters to associate with yours.

Parent groups can do much to develop parish programs which will enable Catholics to meet and marry their own. Where ambitious social programs have been developed, the increase in all Catholic marriages and the corresponding decline in mixed marriages has been spectacular. For instance, at St. Mark's parish in Cincinnati, Ohio, a co-ordinated program was set up. It included social and athletic events, C.Y.O. activities, a social club for high school students, glee club, and a clubroom where young people could meet. Before this program was started, the mixed-marriage rate was 26.2 per cent. After the program was developed, it dropped to 15.6 per cent. Thanks to a similar program, the proportion of Catholic-Catholic marriages in Little Rock, Arkansas, has doubled.

3. Discourage your child from dating any non-Catholic. To many youngsters, whose only interest in dating is to enjoy an evening's recreation, this proposition may seem unduly severe. Their common response is that they do not intend to marry the person with whom they are having a first date.

These youngsters overlook the fact that almost every marriage starts with a date which neither partner expects to end at the altar. But one date leads to another. The boy and girl who are strangers on their first date become good friends on their third or fourth date. And as dating proceeds, they become emotionally involved, often without being consciously aware of it. Suddenly, they discover that they are "in love." By then the parents may be helpless to end the relationship. Thus the tragedy of each mixed marriage starts with the seemingly innocent first date.

Long before your child begins to date, let him know that he must not date a non-Catholic. He will show no resistance to this instruction when it is presented as a principle and before any personalities are involved. Your teaching may be too late if it comes after he has become emotionally involved with a member of another faith and marriage is a serious consideration.