The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 13: HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

TWENTY-FIVE years ago a book on the upbringing of children could skip lightly over problems of youngsters in their teen years. There would necessarily be a discussion of physical and emotional changes as children reach the age of puberty, but in general adolescence was considered to be merely an extension of childhood, and the problems of teen-agers were thought to be only slightly more acute than those of eight- or nine-year olds. Today, of course, a book that failed to consider adolescence in detail would be held lacking in an important-- and according to some people, the most important--respect.

No one can read current newspapers or magazines without concluding that the adolescent and his mannerisms are a major problem of our times. Stories of juvenile delinquency hit us from all sides. Scrapes of teen- age drivers; the defects of high school students, who, the experts tell us, are poorly educated, ill-mannered, badly fed; horrifying statistics on teen-age pregnancies--all emphasize why parents have become so concerned about this stage of their children's development.

Visit your public library and you will find shelves sagging with books which strive to enlighten parents about ways to cope with adolescents. A common theme is one which tells parents how they can "get along" with their teen-agers. This is highly significant. It highlights the fact that conditions have so changed that parents must study ways of adjusting to the demands of their children, rather than the other way around. The very existence of titles such as these strongly suggests where the "problem of adolescence" truly lies. In fact, so much has been written about the responsibilities of parents to their teen-agers- -and the difficulties of adjusting to the demands of young people--that some mothers and fathers look ahead to their child's pubescence with genuine horror.

How modern conditions vary from those of even a generation ago is revealed dramatically by the fact that one of the most comprehensive sociological studies of American life, "Middletown," published in 1929, in its chapter on education in a typical city does not even mention the existence of a teen-age problem. Moreover, eight years later--in 1937-- the authors returned to the scene of their study to determine what changes the depression had wrought. Again, although their other findings were exhaustive, they omitted mention of adolescent delinquency. This evidence, plus recollections by modern adults of their own teen years, supports the statement that never before have parents faced such a problem with adolescents as exists today. And the ramifications of this problem exist on all levels of life--spiritual, emotional, physical.

What has occurred within recent years to create the "teen-age crisis" and to cause many mothers and fathers to admit that they do not know what to do next?

Many factors have been at work. One is that the modern youngster is exposed to more outside influences than his predecessors, and that he learns the facts of adult life much earlier. For example, he may spend twenty or more hours before a television screen each week. He is exposed to adult situations and learns about courtship and the sexual relationship. He begins dating at an earlier age; as we shall see in Chapter 14, many parents actually encourage their elementary school children to date, and "going steady" has become a standard procedure in many high schools. There is also an increasing tendency of Americans to marry earlier; the average age of the modern bride is only twenty.

What used to be characteristic of young men and women in their late teens and early twenties--their strong desire for good times and preoccupation with their own interests--has been passed on to the teen- agers. A generation ago, high schools forbade smoking by students; today some institutions set aside smoking rooms for them. The family of a generation ago considered itself fortunate if it owned an automobile; now a high percentage of teen-agers drive their own cars, and the planner of a new high school must allow acres of space for parking.

The modern youngster also has more money to spend on himself. According to Eugene Gilbert, a researcher who specializes in exploring interests of young people, the average adolescent had only about $2.50 a week to spend in 1944. He derived this total both from his parents and his own earnings. Today the typical teen-ager spends almost $10 a week. Even after allowances for inflation, this figure reflects not only an increase in the amount he receives from his parents, but also his ability to get high pay for jobs like baby-sitting, lawn-mowing and car-washing. As a result, he often spends more money on luxuries than do his parents. The Motion Picture Association of America recently conducted a survey which revealed that more than half of all the patrons of movie theaters in a typical summer week were under twenty years of age. Makers of cosmetics have found that most of their business comes from adolescents, and many manufacturers of phonograph records would probably face bankruptcy without them.

Each year, America's 17,000,000 teen-agers are estimated to spend almost $10,000,000,000 which they have earned or received as allowances. This great spending power gives them a feeling of independence. Moreover, advertisers have been quick to note the potentialities of the huge adolescent market. As a consequence, youngsters are encouraged to consume products which parents traditionally have opposed their using. For example, the manufacturers of one brand of cigarettes depict smokers with schoolbooks under their arms. The implication--that it is permissible for high-schoolers to smoke--is unmistakable. Another cigarette firm studied the prevailing musical tastes of teen-agers to guide its choice of songs for the radio and television programs it sponsors. A beer advertiser shows young people enjoying his product while on the type of date that teen-agers might have. In effect, therefore, many businessmen who deplore teen-age activities in one area foster it in another by encouraging youngsters to spend their money for products of which parents generally disapprove. Business has a vested interest in "teen-age rebels."

A third, and perhaps most important, reason, for the emergence of adolescence as the "problem age" is that today's youngster lacks the security which previous generations felt. He lives with a gnawing fear that he may be forced to fight in the most terrible of all wars, and that the society in which he is growing up may not even exist for his lifetime. No other generation has ever foreseen its possible annihilation in an atomic holocaust.

Even without threats of a civilization-destroying war, modern youngsters would have reason to feel insecure because of other revolutionary changes in our lifetime. Fifty years ago, a boy could usually expect to follow his father's occupation, and a girl knew that her future would lie either in the religious life or in the home. A father and mother could train their child from an early age in the type of work he would do as an adult. He could face his future with confidence that, thanks to their help, he would be competent in his occupation. Today, however, society considers it ignoble if a youngster does not aspire to a "better" place in life than his parents held. The shoemaker's son must try to become a doctor; the daughter of a successful, happy housewife must aspire to a career as well as motherhood. Geoffrey Gorer, the famous British anthropologist, has noted that the American father is considered a success only to the extent that the son advances to a social rank above his. As Mr. Gorer wrote in his study, "The American People," father never knows best. He expects his son to know more than he does.

But in inspiring our children to move upward in social position, we ask them to enter uncharted areas where we cannot guide them. The father who began to work at fourteen and who now is asked to help his youngster master the high school subjects of algebra and Latin cannot perform a service which fathers have traditionally performed. Thus, when you ask your son to attain a superior position in life you may also be urging him to put you aside as his guide. For how can you help him travel unknown fields that lie ahead, when you yourself have not traveled them?

These three pressures--the earlier awareness in today's youngsters of the many facts of life, the pressures exerted upon them by advertisers and others, and the requirement that they reject their parents as they advance in the "American way of life"--all contribute to making adolescence of the present day a more difficult time for youngsters and their parents than ever before.

Physical and emotional changes of adolescence. Even under the best circumstances--those in which no external forces speed up the normal tendency of the adolescent to strive for emancipation from his parents- -factors within himself would tend to make this a period of stress. These factors are mainly physical and emotional.

The physical changes involve the development of glands which are necessary for the performance of the sexual act. This development sometimes throws the system out of balance and causes moodiness, irritation and outburst ranging from exhilaration to depression. The male glands become capable of producing semen, the fluid ejaculated by the penis in the act of copulation. At the same time, the boy develops the external signs of manhood--enlargement of his sexual organs, growth of hair on his face and various parts of his body, the deepening of his voice. Similar glandular changes occur within a girl. Her breasts develop and she begins to menstruate--the sign that her body is acquiring the capability of motherhood.

As these events occur, the adolescent experiences an awakening of sexual desire. This is a new and sometimes frightening experience. The boy will discharge seminal fluids in his sleep, perhaps with erotic dreams as an accompaniment. Unless his father has prepared him for the discharge by telling him that it is nature's way of harmlessly releasing these fluids, the boy may fear that his masculinity is defective. A girl may also have dreams of a sexual nature, and may feel a strong sense of guilt unless her mother has taught her that they are normal, natural and not sinful.

Even when boys or girls have a clear understanding of the physical changes of adolescence, they cannot be made completely aware of how the changes will affect them. The first stirrings of sexual desire and the youngster's realization that they must now resist sexual temptation on their own responsibility are experiences so intimate that no one could fully prepare them for it. If they cannot curb temptation and turn their minds to safe thoughts when it threatens, or if they succumb to the temptation, they may develop a keen sense of guilt and despair about their future. In particular, young persons who have masturbated may mistakenly believe that they have thereby impaired their ability to function as men and women in the marital act.

Emotional changes during adolescence are equally profound. A boy's budding physical powers encourage him to look ahead to his manhood, and he now discovers that he can make many decisions independently of his parents. For instance, once he enters high school, he usually can remain away from home from early morning until dinnertime without having to report in detail as to his whereabouts. He may have an independent source of income, possibly derived from delivering papers or working at a store on Saturdays, while his sister earns money by baby-sitting. Often he will select his own clothes, and possibly even pay for them out of his earnings. Away from home during lunch hours and on Saturdays, he can decide what food to eat. He enjoys his new independence and quite naturally wants more of it.

But his parents remember his complete childish dependence of a few years ago. They are not ready to believe that he can handle his obligations maturely. Thus they tend to deny him freedoms which he thinks he should have. He would like to attend a theater with friends and return about midnight; his parents know that since he must arise early the next morning, he will need more sleep. They insist that he return at 10:30, and he complains that they are trying to keep him a baby. Similar conflicts arise over how he wears his clothes and maintains his room, how much food he eats for breakfast, and so on. He fights constantly for independence while his parents struggle to retain their authority.

Unfortunately, neither the adolescent nor his parents usually know how much emancipation should be allowed. The parents realize that he should achieve complete independence at about the age of twenty-one, but they may not be sure how much of it to permit at sixteen. A great deal of confusion and inconsistency results. A boy is told in one instance that he is not old enough to take an overnight trip with classmates, yet too old to expect his mother to help him keep his room neat. His parents urge him to develop confidence in his own opinions and not to be swayed by others without good reason. Yet they are dismayed when he stands by his convictions and refuses to agree with them on some important matter. On the other hand, he acts as though any parental controls over his conduct are no longer necessary. Yet he is uncertain of his ability to control himself. And he feels let down when, for instance, he stays out later at night than he should and his parents do not reprimand him.

Emotional needs of adolescents. A wise teacher once observed that the best aid a parent can have in training a teen-ager is a good memory. He meant that if you can recall your own doubts and indecisions, your striving for independence, your rebellion because your parents would not give you the emancipation you sought, and above all, the stresses, strains and temptations of your own teen years, you will be able to deal much more sympathetically with your youngster. Some parents are guilty of precisely what their children accuse them of--they have forgotten that they too were once young, inexperienced and troubled by secret fears of inadequacy and failure. If you recall your own adolescent problems, you will more readily give your child four basic helps he needs at this critical time.

First, he needs your love. He must know that you have a full, unqualified interest in his welfare and a confidence in his worth as a human being. The need for this love has been well expressed by Father Robert Claude, S.J., in his excellent booklet, '"The Training of the Adolescent." Father Claude states:

An atmosphere of affection and understanding is absolutely indispensable in the training of the adolescent.

Adolescence is as a flower that is opening upon life, a flower that needs the sun of love for its full blooming. All training, of course, must be accompanied by kindness, for more flies are caught with honey than with vinegar. And this is particularly true of the age at which a young person first becomes conscious of love and realizes for the first time the importance of this emotion.

Besides, in the solitude with which he surrounds himself, the adolescent is more than ever eager for the solace of affection. Affection will encourage him to give you his confidence, and without that no true training is possible. The adolescent who is taken to task in a matter of discipline is on the watch for the least kind word, the smallest sign of sympathy, to apologize and admit his fault. However, if he feels that he stands before an indifferent tyrant who thinks only of strict discipline, he freezes into an attitude of obstinate revolt.

Be patient, devoted, affable, and that with a gentle smile.

The love you must show has to be founded on understanding and esteem. Esteem: Never forget that you have before you a being who is about to enter on the most serious part of his life, a being whose eternal salvation perhaps is at stake. Esteem him for the magnificent gift of life that God has given him.

Understanding: Always give your child the impression that you understand him or at least that you are trying to understand him. Nothing is more effective in making the adolescent retire into his shell than the impression that he is not understood. He believes that he is interesting, he has a high idea of his own worth, and yet his parents continue to treat him as a child; they seem to be unaware of the harvest that is preparing. Sometimes they make fun of him, or simply smile. How often has that smile, the all-too-frequent recourse of his elders, been the inspiration for secret revolt; how many young hearts has it wounded and even closed irrevocably to all beneficial influence from authority!

Secondly, he needs your encouragement. Despite the air of supreme knowledge which young persons affect, they often inwardly doubt their ability to handle the problems which they expect to face as adults. In fact, psychiatrists and psychologists state that the greater the arrogance, usually the greater the fear of inadequacy that lies beneath the surface. Thus the typical juvenile delinquent--the insolent youth who puts up such a bold front before the world--is actually beset by deep-seated feelings of inferiority which he tries to hide by his swagger.

Adolescents often worry excessively about their sexual development. They may fear that they will not be able to function effectively as a male or female. Many fear that they will not be attractive to the other sex; a physical condition--enlarged features, skin blemishes, being taller or shorter, stouter or slimmer than the average--may contribute to this feeling. Many fear that they will become unpopular with members of their own sex; they want to do what everyone else does and they will resist parents' efforts to make them different in any important respect.

To help your child achieve the feeling of personal worth he needs for his development, find ways to praise progress he has made. Look for examples of adult conduct and compliment him for them. In this way, you will encourage him to continue moving toward independence. For example, compliment him if he goes to his books at night without your urging. Especially seek occasions to praise him for spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth. The teen-ager who voluntarily decides to refrain from dessert as a sacrifice during Lent evidences admirable self-control which, in fact, some adults do not possess. If you engage in an intellectual discussion with him, look for signs indicating a growth of his reasoning powers and willingly admit it when he scores a good point. Many a parent wins an argument of no great importance to the family, and in doing so helps to weaken his child's confidence in his own thinking processes. Adolescents often are idealistic and have strong instincts for the underprivileged. Seek occasions to compliment your boy or girl on this virtue, and point out the great opportunities which exist to serve mankind in a selfless way.

Thirdly, your child needs responsibility. In this area, perhaps more than in any other, the typical mother fails. She knows that her child must ultimately maintain his own room, clothe himself, appear cleanly dressed before the public and with clean face and hands, wear rubbers when it rains and a topcoat in cold weather. Yet long after he should be doing such things for himself, she is either doing them for him or constantly reminding him to do them. He has no reason or opportunity to develop responsibility for himself. Such mothers deny that they prevent their child from achieving independence; they argue that they merely keep him from making mistakes. They overlook the fundamental point that most of us learn only from our mistakes--and that when we have to accept responsibility for them, we soon correct our errors. Mistakes are the steppingstones to independence; if you would help your child, you must view with sympathy his fumbling efforts in that direction.

The boy who is personally responsible for how he looks at school may appear for a few days with hair uncombed, shoes unshined, and shirt grimy with dirt. Let him spend a few hours in detention, or suffer the sneers of classmates, and he will soon make certain that his appearance is more acceptable. In one home, a mother habitually pleaded with her son to arise early enough each morning so that he might eat a nourishing breakfast and arrive at high school before the first bell sounded. Each morning the lad resisted. Soon he was running from the house with toast in his mouth. One day the mother decided that thereafter he would face his own responsibilities. The next morning the boy left home with clothes barely pulled on, without breakfast, and with no chance of reaching class in time. After a week, however, he realized that he was an object of scorn because of his sloppy appearance; that as a result of his failure to eat a good breakfast, he had headaches all day; and that two hours spent in detention after school for being late was not worth twenty minutes of extra sleep in the morning. Forced to accept the responsibility--and consequences--for his own actions, the boy soon developed an adult attitude. Thus he completed another step in the process of growing up.

Finally, your child needs direction. Some parents of adolescents find this fact difficult to believe. Teen-agers often seem to resist all of their parents' efforts to direct their actions, but their desire for direction exists, nevertheless. Probably no adolescent is unhappier than one who knows that he has no parental check over his conduct.

Educators of high school boys and girls attest to their need for guidance. In discussions among themselves, youngsters frankly admit that they lack the will power, the experience and the judgment to be provided with a free rein. Not long ago, a news commentator appeared before a group of high school students to discuss current events. He probably thought that he would strike a popular note if he deplored the "censoring" of reading matter offered for young people. In his view, high school students should have free access to everything published and they alone should judge whether or not the material was morally harmful. The speaker ended his talk and immediately discovered that he had erred seriously. Far from striking a responsive note, he had set the youngsters against him. For they vigorously affirmed that they wanted and needed adult supervision of their reading matter because they lacked the maturity to choose wisely by themselves.

Another evidence of adolescents' willingness to accept direction is the enthusiasm with which "teen-age codes" are followed in communities where they are adopted. These codes are usually devised by committees of student leaders, sometimes in consultation with parents, and thus represent the views of responsible young people.

A typical code of social behavior, adopted in Rye, New York, is a model of good judgment. It opposes open-house parties which i tend to get out of hand, and advocates only parties to which specific persons are invited. It emphasizes that one adult must be present at all teen-age parties. Parties should end at specified times--at 10 P.M. for seventh graders, 10:30 P.M. for eighth graders, 11 P.M. for high school freshmen, midnight for sophomores, 12:30 A.M. for juniors. Youngsters should always tell their parents where they are going and should know where their parents can be reached at night in an emergency. A girl should always tell her escort when she must return home and he should comply.

Another code, devised by the St. Louis Archdiocesan Councils of Catholic Men and Women, was adopted enthusiastically by teen-agers in that locality. This code, similar to the one formulated at Rye, also bans dates at drive-in theaters, alcoholic beverages at teen-age parties, and steady dating unless there is a possibility of marriage within a short time. A comment by a St. Louis youth reveals the true desire of youngsters for firm rules showing how far they may reasonably go. "More than anything else, the code eliminates confusion," he commented. "How late a person should stay out, what he should and shouldn't do--the code settles those questions for us and our parents. Now all we do is to refer to the book."

This desire for direction is evident in the workings of high school student governments. When youngsters know the rules and the penalties for violating them, they have a true feeling of freedom. They know exactly how far they can go and they expect to be brought back into line if they cannot control their conduct.

In their response to codes of conduct, and their willingness to be governed by rules, adolescents deliver a message which parents should heed. If your teen-ager knows what is expected of him and your demands are reasonable, and if you make it plain that he will be deprived of privileges or punished in other ways for violations, you should achieve highly successful results.

Practical problems of adolescents. It is easier to state a principle than to apply it. Many parents know all the answers provided in books, yet seem unable to achieve satisfactory results in training their adolescents. What is wrong? A review of problems recounted by mothers and fathers reveals several recurring and fundamental causes.

The first is the unwillingness or inability of parents to recognize that there is some truth in teen-agers' assertions that conditions have changed. As we noted earlier, the modern youngster faces a greater variety of pressures, all applied with a greater intensity, than modern adults were exposed to. The modern parent probably is shocked to think that a fifteen-year-old boy attends movies at night unescorted and is on the city's streets at 11 P.M., or that the high school girl of seventeen smokes cigarettes while doing her homework. Such incidents, almost unthought of twenty-five years ago, are commonplace today. A generation ago, parents could instruct their fifteen-year-old boy to be home at 9:30 P.M., and could forbid their daughter to smoke until she reached twenty-one, if at all. The modern parent who sets up rules based on his own experience and contrary to the common custom, can expect to encounter resistance.

A second area of difficulty stems from parents' unwillingness to give responsibility. They sometimes overlook the fact that youngsters have the same human failings to which adults are prone. This is evident in the frequent complaint, "My son won't take responsibility." What the complaining parent overlooks is that the son--like his father and most other human beings--will not assume a burden if it is unnecessary for him to do so. Like the rest of us, he is inclined to laziness. But if you give him the responsibility and make it plain that it is his to succeed with, or to fail, you will discover that he is capable of carrying heavier burdens than you imagined.

One sees vivid proof of this fact when the family is suddenly deprived of the father or mother. The youngsters pitch in and do work that would have been considered impossible for them before the emergency arose. In one home with five children, the mother became seriously ill and was required to spend several months in a sanitarium. The father could not afford a housekeeper and distributed many of the housekeeping chores to his two daughters--one fifteen and the other thirteen. When their mother was home, the girls had seemed to lack every shred of responsibility. They had to be prodded continually even to make their own beds and keep their room neat. They resisted all efforts to get them to help wash the evening dishes and to keep the main rooms clean. They knew that if they did not do this work, their mother would do it ultimately.

With the mother hospitalized, however, they realized that they would have to do the work--or it would not get done. Now that they could not avoid the responsibility, the change in their attitude was striking. They performed their tasks with enthusiasm and vied with each other in preparing tasty meals for the family. The house was as neat as it had ever been.

When the mother returned, however, it soon became obvious that she would do any work that her daughters neglected. And so they too soon reverted to their former ways. Many parents who have found "seven-day wonders" in their homes when emergencies arose, can recognize the importance of thrusting responsibility upon youngsters.

This principle--that parents must give responsibility if they wish adolescents to take it--is often strikingly evident in the way that youngsters respond to school assignments. As we have noted, a high school student should be mature enough to carry out his homework assignments without prodding from his parents. If they must correct his work every night, they probably have not instilled proper study habits- -and a sense of personal responsibility--during his formative years in elementary school. If you canvass parents of students in the upper quarter of their class, you will probably be unable to find one who finds it constantly necessary to prod his child to study. The reason is that the good student has been forced to accept personal responsibility for his work.

Parents of an irresponsible student find themselves squeezed by pressures. They realize that he will lose an important advantage in his adult years if he fails to obtain a college education or, at the very least, a high school diploma. On the other hand, they note his apparent unconcern over his lack of scholastic achievement. What should they do?

They may try to nag him to scholastic success, but whether this procedure ever works is doubtful. Instead, they should make certain that he is fully aware of the disservice he does to himself by neglecting his opportunities for education, and they should remove any conditions standing in the way of his achievement. Does he seriously worry over his health or that of other members of the family? Is there a tense or troubled family atmosphere which makes study difficult? Does he have too easy access to distractions like television, radio or phonograph, or reading matter not related to school work? Does he lack a suitable, quiet place for study? You should change this and similar home conditions which may be responsible for poor schoolwork. You should make certain, after talks with the school principal or teachers, that there are no difficulties of a psychological nature in his relations with the school itself. Then you should put responsibility for scholastic achievement directly upon your youngster--and let him know it.

Adolescents also must be taught to accept responsibility for their spiritual welfare. You must keep a vigilant eye over your youngster's conduct, of course, but it is also wise to extend the area of his personal responsibility in spiritual matters, so that as an adult he will not need others to tell him when to perform his religious duties. When he reaches his mid-teens, for example, he should be fully responsible for all of his basic religious obligations--attending Mass on Sundays and holy days, observing the laws of fast and abstinence, saying morning and night prayers, obeying regulations covering the sacraments, etc.

While you must correct him if he does not faithfully perform his duties, it is usually more desirable to operate on the assumption that he will meet his responsibilities. The parents in one suburban home developed a habit of attending the last Mass on Sunday. Their eighteen- year-old daughter rode the two miles to church with them. But each Sunday she slept later and later, resisting her mother's efforts to awaken her, until the parents themselves were reaching Mass late because they waited for her. Finally, one Sunday, the father told his daughter that if she was not ready at a specified time thereafter, the parents would leave without her; if she missed Mass, the sin would be hers alone. The first Sunday that this procedure was followed, she refused to arise in time. The parents kept their word and went to church without her. She arrived in a state of disarray while the priest was delivering his sermon. The parents were naturally embarrassed but determined to hold their line. It took a few more weeks for the girl to realize that attendance at Mass was her entire responsibility. And once she learned that lesson she was ready to leave with her parents every Sunday.

When you give responsibility, you must reconcile yourself to the thought that your youngsters will make many mistakes. Some, like that of the girl arriving late at Mass, may prove embarrassing. Some, like that of the high school student who spends his entire allowance on entertainment and is forced to eat peanuts for lunch all week, may be foolhardy or stupid. Other steps toward independence, such as your child taking work in an office where he will be exposed to unknown influences over which you have no control, may involve a possibility of danger. But all of these risks are necessary. We all learn by making mistakes. Only by actual experience can most human beings acquire the confidence to assume greater responsibility. The parent who says, "I don't want my son to make the mistakes I did," may truly wish to protect his youngster from harm. But in quarantining him from mistakes of any kind he may also be stunting the growth of a personality.