The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 8: THE CHILD WHO IS "EXCEPTIONAL"

IN HIS wisdom, and for reasons which human beings often do not understand, God may give parents a child unlike other children in some important area of body or mind. Such a child is said to be exceptional. He offers special challenges to parents. Sometimes they must develop patience, understanding and trust in Divine Providence in order to enable him to overcome his handicaps and to live with sanctity, security and happiness.

One child in ten in the United States is exceptional. About one per cent of the population are thought to be seriously retarded mentally. Even as adults they will be unable to concentrate on any but the simplest directions. Reading even two-syllable words will be a difficult chore. They will be unable to keep their mind on any subject for more than a few minutes. Another two per cent are also retarded, but to a lesser degree. While they can learn to sweep a room, wash dishes or dig a trench, they too must be protected from normal problems of adult life in which use of the intellect is required. The additional seven per cent of the total population suffer defects which will handicap them in some important way. Such defects may be epilepsy, cerebral palsy, serious physical disfigurement or crippled bodily organs. Persons may be born with these handicaps or may acquire them as a result of accidents or diseases like polio. But regardless of the cause or nature of his condition, the affected child may suffer a lasting impairment of personality unless his parents train him to accept his condition without bitterness and to build a successful life despite it.

Faced with the challenge of an exceptional child, parents must first accept the fact that God has chosen, for His own reasons, to give them this obligation. It is a cross which should be borne bravely and accepted as a means by which they and their child can develop the spiritual qualities of patience, fortitude and faith in Divine Providence. Secondly, they should follow a constructive program to make the handicap more bearable for both the child and themselves. Great strides have been made in recent years in caring for the handicapped and in developing ways to help them use their resources to the fullest possible extent. Dramatic improvements now are possible which were considered beyond hope a short time ago. Parents of a handicapped child thus may look to the future with faith and courage.

The mentally retarded. It was formerly assumed that four retarded children in five inherited their condition. More precise studies have convinced most scientists, however, that about half the cases result from influences after the child is conceived. For example, mothers who contract German measles during pregnancy give birth to a larger percentage of retarded children than the average. Some types of retardation are thought to result from a malfunctioning of the mother's pituitary or thyroid glands. Long and difficult labor resulting in damage to brain tissues, accidents shortly after birth, and diseases in early infancy may also cause the condition.

In extreme cases, a doctor may suspect retardation when he sees the child shortly after birth. Usually, however, indications will not be manifest until the child is about six months old. As a result of measurements made upon thousands of children, doctors can predict when an average infant will take an interest in events around him, when he will begin to grasp objects, and when he will try to sit up, crawl and develop his muscular ability in other ways. They can observe how his nervous system reacts to certain stimuli, and can make other tests to indicate whether his development falls within a normal range. Lesser mental weakness generally cannot be verified until at least one or two years after birth. Serious physical or neurological defects generally are apparent by the third year, but sometimes the fact that the child is below normal does not become truly evident until he enters school and is compared with others of his age.

Since many cases of retardation can be helped if detected early, every child should be examined by a physician frequently during his preschool years. Of course these examinations should not be for the purpose of detecting mental defects, since proportionately few children are so afflicted; rather, they should be general physical checkups, during which the doctor will observe abnormalities if they exist.

Science has made considerable progress in enabling retarded children to achieve some measure of self-reliance. Not long ago it was generally believed that they could not be given any training that would enable them to live outside of institutions. Now we know, however, that four out of five can be taught to read, write, add and subtract, and to make simple decisions governing their own affairs. Most will need guidance in choosing a vocation, but once they get appropriate jobs, they can perform them satisfactorily. They may often be highly desirable employees, in fact, because they happily do work which brighter persons would find boring. Another 14 per cent--about one in seven--are considered incapable of learning basic elementary school subjects, but can be trained to perform simple tasks--serving as porters in a factory or housemaids--and can at least partially support themselves. However, they will always need others to guide them in their everyday affairs.

Treatment and training of a mentally retarded child should start as soon as his condition is recognized. Many federal, state and local programs have been developed to aid in such treatment. If your child is retarded, your doctor can advise you of facilities available in your community.

You may be required to decide, while your child is still an infant, whether he might better be cared for in an institution or at home. Your conclusion should probably be based on what progress he may reasonably be expected to make. If competent doctors believe that he can be trained to achieve even a small measure of independence as an adult, and if facilities for this training are available nearby, keeping the child at home might be the most advisable course. On the other hand, if expectations are not hopeful and he will need constant protective care even in adulthood, institutional life might be more fitting. In a weighty question of this kind, where your emotions may not enable you to think clearly, you would probably be wise to seek the opinion of your pastor or of social agencies with a Christian respect for the rights of parents and children.

While it will be a great sadness to parents to place their child in an institution, they should take comfort from the fact that his eternity in heaven is assured. Since he lacks freedom of will to commit sin, he stands in no danger of losing his soul. Thus parents of a mentally defective child succeed in the ultimate purpose of parenthood: they will return their child to God. Their mission is more successful, therefore, than that of the father and mother who produce a normal child who dies in mortal sin.

Other conditions which make a child exceptional include:

Cerebral palsy. This disease usually results from an injury to the brain at birth or soon thereafter. It often makes the child appear to be retarded mentally, because it causes speech and walking difficulties. Actually, many afflicted children have extraordinary, gifted minds. They--and all other palsied children--require special teaching and training to enable them to realize their potentialities.

Epilepsy. Only a few generations ago, this condition was thought to be associated with mental disease, and many doctors considered it hopeless. Now it has been established beyond dispute that most patients subject to epileptic seizures are normal in other aspects of their lives. Nine epileptic children out of ten can attend school with normal children. They will require continuing medical care, however. The remaining child in ten may need to be treated in an institution or to attend school with children similarly afflicted, where teachers and nurses are trained to deal with seizures.

Physical defects which restrict movement. One example is a boy who has suffered rheumatic fever, with a resultant weakened heart condition, and who now must sit on the sidelines while classmates play basketball. A youngster with a crippled or missing arm or leg, the result of a disease like polio or an accident, likewise may be excluded from sports and other activities of normal children.

Exceptional difficulties in seeing, speaking or hearing. Some children stand out from their classmates because of their inability to pronounce words properly, or to see or hear normally. Speech defects are more common than most persons realize. They may result from an improper formation of the teeth or jaw, from damage to the brain, or from a wide range of psychological factors. It is now generally believed that stammering and stuttering are caused by a deep sense of insecurity.

Neurosis. Emotional conflicts may often result in abnormal behavior that sets the child apart. The youngster who is overly submissive or aggressive, who refuses to play in ordinary games with other children, or who does play and always ends the game either crying or fighting, is one whose condition definitely requires special care and attention.

What parents can do for exceptional children. Probably the best attitude which the parent of an exceptional child can have is to face facts as they exist at the present, and to cultivate an objective viewpoint about the future. By refusing to dwell on the past, parents can avoid the common tendency to blame themselves or others for the child's condition. The parent who insists upon blaming himself tends to place responsibility for the child's care upon his own shoulders, and to reject the services of others better qualified to treat the condition.

By looking hopefully to the future, you will avoid a tendency to lavish pity upon the child. For one who is pitied and made excessively dependent soon comes to accept service from others as his right, and feels persecuted when he is required to do things on his own. He is deprived of the opportunity--essential to his full development--of doing things for himself and for other people.

Cultivating an objective point of view means that you will accept your child as he is. You will try to develop his spiritual qualities so that he will accept his affliction with courage and optimism. You will not burden him excessively with obligations beyond his ability, but you will allow him to develop his skills to the utmost so that they become a source of creative satisfaction to him.

You will also strive to learn as much as possible about modern methods of caring for your child and put him under the care of experts who are familiar with the latest methods of treatment. Fortunately, free care is available for all exceptional children if you are unable to pay. There also are many organizations of parents whose children have a common problem--groups, for instance, of parents of mentally retarded children, of the cerebral palsied and the crippled. Such parents can give you a greater understanding of your own child's needs, and they can advise you how to handle problems which may cause you concern. Through these contacts, you can also help your child cultivate friendships with similarly handicapped children, and help to relieve the sense of isolation which a disabled person often feels.

Emotional problems of exceptional children. Although handicapped youngsters have their individual personalities, they often react to the discovery that they are "different" in one of two ways: They either accept their condition too complacently, or they resent it excessively.

The child who reacts in the first way tends to depend almost entirely upon his parents and others responsible for his care. He often discovers that because of his condition, he can exact services which are denied normal youngsters. Unless his parents treat his excessive demands with unyielding firmness, he will gradually refuse to do more and more things for himself until he seems incapable of even the simplest acts.

Parents must decide what their handicapped child can do, and then insist that he do it. The mother of a crippled child may find it difficult to steel herself when her youngster tries to walk and falls. But if walking is within his ultimate capabilities, it is far better for his development that he suffer temporary defeats until he achieves proficiency at it than that his incentive to walk be destroyed by overprotectiveness.

The second undesirable reaction--rebellion against his condition which may soon become rebellion against all authority--also must be dealt with firmly. Few parents will discipline a handicapped child as they would a normal one. Let the afflicted youngster recognize this fact, and he is tempted to determine how far he can transgress and what his punishment will be. If his experiments prove that his parents have no effective way of deterring him, his offenses will know no limits. He will become a virtual tyrant on the loose. As one man put it: Show me the sickest member of the family and I will show you who rules the home. Obviously, parents must prevent such a development by adopting methods of discipline which are not emotionally harmful but which nevertheless let him know that misconduct will not be tolerated. Handicapped youngsters usually can be trained to follow normal rules of conduct if they are deprived of privileges--viewing television, for example--when they disobey.

Both overdependence and rebelliousness can be avoided if parents realize that their child's emotional needs differ only in degree--not in kind--from those of normal youngsters. An afflicted child needs more constant reassurance of your love, as well as a deeper sense of security, which your visible acceptance of him as a worthy individual alone can provide. More than other children, he also needs to accomplish things. Watch for signs of latent talent, and encourage him to develop it. One crippled boy has won the admiration of his classmates because of his ability to draw cartoons; another is an expert chess player; a third does entertaining card tricks.

Wherever possible, also accentuate interests which your youngster has in common with others so that he may make friends more easily. Encourage him to invite other children to your home and enroll him if possible in nursery school, day camp, a Boy Scout group, or similar activities which youngsters normally engage in. A disabled child often can participate in games, even if not as a player; by serving as score keeper or referee, he is accepted as one of them. Children quickly become accustomed to a deformity and thereafter do not usually think about it.

Brothers and sisters of an exceptional child may also need special attention. In their anxiety to give the best care to the handicapped one, some parents overlook the needs of their normal youngsters. As a result, the neglected ones sometimes develop a smoldering resentment toward both their parents and the handicapped youngster. Every child-- regardless of how normal he is--needs certain particular attention. As we indicated in the discussion on large families, parents should try to spend at least a few intimate minutes each day with each child, discussing his aspirations, congratulating him for his triumphs, consoling him in his difficulties. These moments of intimacy between each parent and each child are especially important if one child necessarily requires a disproportionate amount of care. Most boys and girls lack the insight to understand why a handicapped youngster may have so much time devoted to him if the time allotted to them is sacrificed as a result.

Your other children should be taught to treat their handicapped brother or sister as you do--objectively, and without shame or guilt. They should be taught that God has given some children different characteristics from others, and that helping those less privileged than ourselves is a means by which we can all grow in God's sight. They should make allowances for a disability and should be taught to sympathize with the handicapped one's efforts to overcome it. At times, they may be required to take turns in feeding a child who cannot feed himself, or in playing games in which he can participate.

However, they should not play the part of martyrs, for their own development may be stunted. Ever since she was eight, one sixteen-year- old girl had been required to spend almost every afternoon after school caring for her younger brother who was bedridden all that time. Outwardly the girl seemed to accept her task, but inwardly she seethed with resentment. Then, to the shock of family and friends, she ran away from home and involved herself in a series of sordid episodes. To the trained psychologist, her misconduct was clearly related to the fact that her mother had given her an overwhelming burden and permitted her almost no time for recreation with her own classmates.

The adopted child. Although adopted children usually are not exceptional in the sense that they are physically or mentally different from others, nevertheless they do have special problems. For instance, although an adopted child may not openly indicate his awareness of it, he may feel "different" because his parents are not his own and he does not have the natural relationship with them that his playmates have with their parents.

Almost everyone today accepts the experts' opinion that it is wise to tell a child, as soon as he can understand, that he is adopted, and to indicate the special meaning of this relationship. Children respond lovingly to the idea that they were specifically chosen by the adopting parents. But an adopted child will not be satisfied with simple answers throughout his life. Just as he will ask many questions on different levels of understanding about sex as he matures, so too will he seek to know various details about his adoption and the whereabouts of his natural parents.

As with their answers about sex, parents should respond to questions about adoption within the framework of love. They should emphasize that they adopted the child because of his worthy and admirable qualities, because they could provide him with a loving home imbued with the worship of God, and because they hoped to give him a spiritual upbringing that would enrich his life and lead to his salvation. Some adopted children feel a special need for reassurances of this love, especially if other children give them the idea that there is something wrong or abnormal about their situation. While the child's questions deserve honest answers, as complete as his age warrants, parents should not recite specific details--for example, the name of the agency or of the case worker--involved in the adoption procedure.

Officials at adoption agencies and other experts disagree over what a child should be told of his natural parents. Some say that he should be told that they died and that no one was left to care for him. Unless this explanation corresponds to the facts, it may be unwise as well as untrue. Often, children learn the truth in ways which cannot even be anticipated. If they learn that you have deceived them on such an important question as this, their faith in you will be badly shaken.

Even if they have never seen their parents and will never see them, children do not wish to believe anything evil of them. If the child was born out of wedlock, the adopting parents should merely state the truth that the mother, knowing that she would be unable to give her baby the care he deserved, was forced to offer him to people who would do so. Almost always, the adopting couple will lack first-hand knowledge of circumstances surrounding the child's conception. If he inquires into his legitimacy as he reaches adolescence, they should truthfully reply that they do not know. Whenever a child raises questions of this kind, however, the parents should not miss the opportunity to emphasize that he has their full, unquestioning love, and that his worth as a person will be determined by his own achievements rather than by anyone else's. Psychologists also deem it important that the child be made to feel at all times that no one responsible for his early care--his natural mother or his adopted parents--would give him up willingly unless overwhelming reasons forced them to do so.

The need to accept a child as he is--and not to look too closely into what part heredity played in giving him his characteristics--is of primary importance to parents of an adopted child. At times, like any youngster, he will resent and even seem to hate them. At other times, he may appear to display major character defects. It is easy to blame his natural mother and father for his conduct. Overimaginative parents might conclude that the boy who displays an avid interest in girls at an early age may be headed for a life of promiscuity. They may also be disturbed when he reaches adolescence and manifests the rebelliousness characteristic of that stage. They should firmly understand during such difficult times that no good purpose is served by trying to determine what inheritable factors are involved. For whether the child reaches adult life with wholesome Christian ideals will depend primarily upon the example he received during his formative years. As his foremost teachers, his adopted parents will have greater control over his moral and spiritual development than any factors in his heredity.

How to handle a "genius." About three per cent of all children have such exceptional mental equipment that they can be classified as bright or very bright. Thus about as many persons can be found in this category as among the mentally retarded. While the problems of exceptionally gifted children are not comparable to those of retarded youngsters, difficulties exist nonetheless.

First signs that a child has a greater intellectual potential than the average usually cannot be seen until he is about a year old, and real substantiation may not be evident until he is nine or ten. According to researchers at the New York University Counseling Center for Gifted Children and elsewhere, a bright child usually shows some of these characteristics:

He learns to do things for himself--to walk, talk, feed himself to read and count--earlier than the average. He is curious by nature and likes to investigate things and how they are made. He asks many questions, often puzzling his parents as to where he acquired the information upon which his questions are based. He has a long attention span and can play constructively by himself for long periods. He creates his own diversions and will collect stamps, cards, photographs and other objects without any suggestion from his parents. He learns to read early--sometimes at five years or younger, and sometimes without being taught--and he acquires a large vocabulary. He enjoys using words in unusual ways. He recalls details of events, names of objects, batting averages and other facts which the average person does not remember.

One of a parent's great joys is watching his child's intellect develop. It is like the opening of a beautiful flower. But as horticulturists know, generally the more perfect the blossom, the more careful must be the attention given its development. This is equally so with the gifted child. He must be guided carefully lest he fall into any of several traps.

You must keep him intellectually active. Many bright children become problem pupils at school because they soon discover that they can do their lessons more quickly than average children; while the teacher is trying to get her point across to the less gifted ones, the bright child may become bored. He may get into mischief, develop the habit of daydreaming or seek other escapes from boredom. Many schools recognize this danger and assign children to different classes according to their ability. Thus, the bright child is placed with other bright youngsters and the teacher can give challenging work to all without having to consider the needs of duller pupils.

Small schools often cannot direct their programs specifically to the bright child, however. If that is true in your child's case, you should try to provide intellectual challenges outside his classroom. Encourage him to read extensively in subjects that interest him. A third-grader became absorbed in the story of the American Revolution. His parents helped him select library books dealing with it. Soon he was reading about related subjects--the kind of guns used during that period, customs of life in Colonial times, biographies of leading Revolutionary figures. He acquired a depth of understanding that could not have been obtained at school alone, and his satisfaction in acquiring the additional knowledge encouraged him to do similar research on other subjects introduced to him in class.

It is also important that you do not give your child the impression that he is superior to others. Accept his intellectual accomplishments matter-of-factly, and never allow him to jeer at those less gifted than himself. Point out that God bestows different gifts in different quantities, and that a youngster who does not do well at studies may be excellent at athletics; another may have unusual talent in the arts; a third, qualities of compassion and understanding which give joy to all who know him. The bright child who is allowed to think he is superior to other children may become an insufferable prig obsessed with a compulsion to show off at every opportunity.

Until he reaches high school, at least, and possibly until he enters college, a bright youngster will be regarded suspiciously by classmates. His adjustment with others of his age often is hampered by the fact that he usually does not enjoy ordinary childhood games like football or baseball. Rather, he prefers semi-solitary sports like swimming and tennis. Not only are his recreational tastes different; his choice of words, reading matter, and other interests may tend to isolate him. Try to counteract his tendency always to do things by himself. Encourage him to acquire skills which will put him at ease with other youngsters: teach him to wrestle, play ball, dance, and to engage in group activities wherever possible.

Some parents actually become fearful when they discover that they have an unusually bright child. One reason is the belief that child prodigies invariably grow up to be inadequate adults. According to a widely held notion, they become addicted to alcohol or narcotics, are unable to work at respectable jobs, and cannot adjust to the practical demands of adult society. This idea is not founded upon fact.

Beginning in 1920, Dr. Lewis M. Terman of Stanford University began to study a group of 1,500 youngsters whose I.Q.s started at 140 and ranged upward. Dr. Terman and his colleagues analyzed the life histories of these children for 25 years, visiting their homes, interviewing their teachers, recording the jobs they chose and how they got along with employers and fellow employees. Thus he compiled a complete, factual picture of what actually happens to gifted children when they grow up.

What he found should reassure every parent of a gifted child. At every age level, he discovered, superior children usually make a better adjustment socially and in other ways than the average. They develop fewer emotional problems: there are fewer alcoholics, narcotic addicts, criminals or divorcees than can be found among the population at large. By all such measurements, they are more successful than persons with lesser intelligence.

To be sure, there have been spectacular cases of "mad geniuses"--child prodigies who lived in misery and shame as men and women. Researchers have established, however, that most cases of this kind result from a common factor: the youngsters were exploited by their parents. The children were exposed to excesses of publicity, were put on display before the public as geniuses, and in other ways were denied their precious right--the opportunity to grow normally, secure in the knowledge that their parents loved them as human beings and not because of special talents they possessed. In their need to be loved completely and without reservation for their own sakes, exceptionally bright children differ in no way from either normal youngsters or handicapped ones.

In encouraging your child to realize his intellectual potential, remember that his spiritual and emotional growth are more important. Few lives are so tragic as those lived by persons of superior intellect without sanctity. They are like a building on a motion picture set--a beautiful, photogenic front with emptiness behind.

Only with a true spiritual outlook can the highly intelligent man or woman fully use his intellect to serve God and man. So give your child the priceless quality of idealism. Encourage him to work for the betterment of humanity--the uplifting of man's heart or mind, the easing of his physical or emotional pain, the improvement of man's condition of life--and you will provide an objective worthy of the intellect which God has given him.