The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

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THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 10: WHERE TO GET HELP WHEN IN TROUBLE

PROBABLY no family exists that does not have some deep and serious problems. Sometimes the problems may result from personality conflicts between husband and wife or from a difference in their objectives. Perhaps they derive from the interference of in-laws; from a harmful habit of one partner, such as drinking or gambling to excess; from the failure of children to respond to the training by parents, church or school; or from an almost unlimited variety of other factors.

When you were married you were not granted immunity from difficulty. Your marriage contract, in which you agreed to take your partner "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health," clearly foresaw that your future life as a husband and father or wife and mother would be strewn with problems. Therefore your success or failure as a parent will not depend upon the number of difficulties in your life, but rather upon how you handle those thrust upon you. To some extent, at least, the manner in which you deal with your problems is the primary measure of your adequacy as a marriage partner and a parent.

One of the greatest attributes you can develop is the ability to determine what is important in your life, what constitutes a danger for your family's future, and whether you yourself possess resources to deal with any dangers that you foresee. Of equal, if not greater, importance is the attitude that any cross can be made bearable--if you display the courage and optimism which faith in God and His goodness can provide.

You must expect difficulties. To achieve a truly happy family life, you must learn how to deal with troubles and tensions that are an ordinary part of existence together in a family unit. As "The Catholic Marriage Manual" points out, a husband and wife will view and do things differently. They come from different backgrounds, and thus they will have different ideas about how money should be spent, how the household should be run, about recreation, eating, sleeping and many other activities of daily life. No couple can reasonably hope to live together in a continuously serene atmosphere, unmarred by disagreements.

Since children have their own distinct personalities, they too will differ with their parents alone and together, and with other children in the family. You must expect some difficulties. But when disagreements go beyond normal levels, or when parents or children develop habits which continuously endanger their spiritual and emotional development or the happiness of the family at large, real trouble may be said to exist.

Danger signs of trouble. One might cite an almost limitless number of attitudes which, if unchecked, could produce serious trouble. For example, probably every child cries at some time to obtain what his parents do not wish him to have. If they give in to him to stop him from crying, he will always wail to gain his way, as a matter of course. Let them persist in giving him what he wants when he wants it and they will have a tyrant on their hands--a self-centered individual who will never adjust to the wishes and needs of others. As he meets other children not so responsive to his tears, he will be unable to deal with them. Personality disorders of children have developed from such beginnings and have grown so severe that the help of outsiders was needed to make family life normal again.

A child may become shy and withdrawn, unable to do adequate work at school, because his mother or father treats him harshly and denies him love. Another may stutter because of an overdominant parent, or because a new brother or sister threatens his hold upon his parents. A teen- ager rebels against authority and continually refuses to do his homework. A daughter reared in a very strict home cultivates undesirable companions to torment her parents.

Such conditions occur often. All have their starting point long before they reach a state where outsiders must be asked to help correct them. However, they do not typify the normal family problem. They are exceptional for the very reason that mothers and fathers, acting on their inherent instincts as parents, can usually foresee dangerous tendencies in their family life and can forestall the development of major troubles. Most parents have the qualities--patience, tolerance and willingness to admit their own faults--that are needed to handle the normal difficulties of living.

What should you do, however, when some condition upsets you and threatens to become more disturbing unless it is checked? First, try to ascertain what is normal behavior. Many husbands have spells of irritability; one berates his wife because dinner is not ready at the regular time, but there is no reason to think that real trouble exists in his marriage. If, however, he continues resentful for hours after dinner, or if she delays meals every night despite his reaction, perhaps deeper and more serious factors than mere irritability are involved. Likewise, some nagging by the wife is probably normal; if she did not continually remind her husband to repair a leaky faucet, the water bills might drive the family to the poorhouse. Again, husband and wife should realize what degree of nagging is reasonable. If she continually refuses to allow her husband to read his evening paper in peace, she probably nags to excess and there may be a more serious emotional disturbance beneath the surface.

You should have no difficulty in determining what behavior patterns to expect of your children. By recalling your own childhood, observing other youngsters in home and play situations, talking to teachers, and reading even a small amount of advice on child care problems, you can form a clear picture of what is normal. Thus, you can expect that a brother will deliberately tease his sisters; that your children will often fight among themselves and that you will be required to separate them forcibly; that occasionally your child may accuse you of treating him unfairly; that sometimes he will disobey you--perhaps by reading in bed after lights should be out; that once in a while he will fail to do homework lessons assigned to him. You probably should handle any of these problems by yourself.

When to seek guidance. As a general principle, you should seek guidance when a problem presents a present or future serious danger to the well- being of one or more family members; when your own efforts to deal with it have failed; and when the disturbing condition is growing worse, rather than improving, with time. Some cases that conform to such a formula are described below.

A normal young child may have occasional nightmares. They are a subconscious reaction to fears or experiences in his waking state. One child, however, had them almost as a matter of course. Although his parents tried to assure him that he had nothing to fear, he began to dread going to bed. They then permitted him to leave his bedroom door open and kept a light burning in the hall. Soon he resisted going to bed even under these conditions, and his fears began to affect his schoolwork, his relations with other children and with his parents. His mother took him to a counseling center. A psychiatrist discovered after talking to him that he had become addicted to blood-and-bullets television programs, and spent most of his allowance each week on comic books of the horror type. His parents had been unable to discern the real cause of his nightmares, for he did not appear to be unduly affected by what he read or saw on television. Clearly, therefore, this was a case calling for outside guidance.

Another boy seemed to be a model of good behavior until he reached his teens. When he entered high school, however, his parents noticed a striking change. At some times he appeared to be strangely listless and to be given to excesses of daydreaming. At other times, he returned home in a state of feverish excitement. And on still other occasions, he responded in a violently quarrelsome way to gentle remarks by his parents. The change was so marked, and the parents' attempts to cope with it so ineffective, that they rightly consulted a doctor. What he discovered shocked them. The boy had taken a dare to smoke marijuana, and after a few experiences he had gone on to even more habit-forming drugs. Fortunately, his parents acted quickly enough, and he was treated without the excruciating pain which more confirmed addicts often feel when they try to break the habit.

A young husband and his wife seemed to have made a fine adjustment to marriage until their first child arrived. Then he became quarrelsome and found fault with her conduct at the slightest provocation. She began to dread his return home at night, because she knew the evening would not end without angry words. With greater insight, she might have realized that his attitude stemmed from immature fears that the infant might replace him in her affection. The couple's relations continued to grow worse until a marriage counselor advised her to reassure her husband constantly of her love and to help him develop a responsible adult attitude. Had experienced guidance not been available, the relations of this couple might have degenerated to a point where their future happiness would be endangered.

Where to take your problems. Knowing when you need help to solve family problems is not sufficient. You must also know where to take your problems. Some persons are eager to discuss their troubles with outsiders, but unfortunately the outsiders often are even less qualified to help than the individuals personally involved. One social scientist asked sixty husbands and wives to whom they confided their troubles. He discovered that all discussed their problems with friends, relatives, neighbors and even the corner bartender--but none consulted a spiritual adviser, doctor or other person truly equipped to help. One can only wonder how much continued heartbreak and misery is caused by the tendency of those blinded by their own emotional problems to seek guidance from those who are not capable of assisting them. This tendency is even more disturbing because more guidance, backed by scientific knowledge of physical and emotional processes, is now available than ever before.

Many persons think that their trouble is unique--that no one has ever faced so many complex problems before. The reverse is actually true. Any difficulty you experience in your married life or as parents has almost certainly been experienced by countless others. Consequently there exists a vast body of experience and understanding that you can draw upon. For instance, almost 600 nation-wide agencies exist specifically to help persons in trouble. This list of organizations includes the National Association for Mental Health, which spreads information about mental illnesses and encourages the proper care of persons so afflicted; the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, organized to aid the poor, sick and helpless; the National Epilepsy League; Alcoholics Anonymous, which has helped to restore hundreds of thousands of men and women to useful, sober lives; the Institute for the Crippled and Disabled, which aids handicapped persons to find useful work and lead normal lives. Almost every diocese has a Catholic Charities' office which provides a multitude of services to troubled parents and sick children. In addition, there are countless hundreds of books, pamphlets and other publications written to help you solve specific problems. Clearly, there is no lack of help available for you; all you need is a willingness to be helped.

Where can you get help? Any problems involving morals, which you cannot resolve after your prayerful efforts to do so, should be taken to your parish priest. By virtue of his long experience and whole-hearted dedication, he draws upon a reservoir of knowledge which is not available to you. He probably can provide you with insights which you have overlooked. You should consult him as soon as you become aware that a serious moral danger exists. Many persons wait too long; by the time they appear at the rectory, great harm has already been done.

A typical problem which should be treated early is that of a wayward parent setting a bad example to his children. In one home, a father of three boys was firm in requiring them to attend Mass each Sunday. However, he always remained in bed and failed to perform his own duty. The mother watched with apparent indifference when the boys reached adolescence and began copying their father by missing Mass when they felt like it. Not until the oldest son announced his intention of marrying a non-Catholic girl before a judge, did she seek the advice of her priest; by then, he could merely sympathize with her. Had he had an early opportunity to discuss the danger to the family that would result from her husband's indifference, he might have convinced the father that his children would follow his example and would be placed in moral danger as a result.

Moral problems often have roots elsewhere. For instance, when a couple are unable to spend the husband's income intelligently, they may be tempted to practice artificial birth control. The priest can refer them to agencies which will help them budget their money in a careful way. In other families, serious conflicts may arise over the inability of husband and wife to achieve sexual compatibility. They may be referred to special courses held under Catholic auspices and designed to give men and women deeper insights into the responsibilities and potentialities of their life together.

Sometimes problems stem from emotional disturbances. One girl of eight suddenly became, in her father's words, "a pathological liar." The girl seemed incapable of distinguishing truth in any area of her life, and especially when chided by her parents for committing acts she had been specifically forbidden to do. She spread absurd stories to friends, neighbors and even her teacher. The wise priest to whom the parents took the problem, realized that the child lied because she was deeply upset emotionally and could best be treated by a psychiatrist.

Many behavior problems do not have a direct moral or religious connection, but result primarily from physical factors. For example, if your child fails to do school work expected of his age, you probably should consult your family doctor. Some youngsters have trouble hearing or seeing normally, but their defects show up only upon investigation. Or they may suffer from diseases which are severe enough to keep them from doing good school work but not serious enough to force them to remain in bed.

Family troubles may result from economic factors. Sometimes a mother is distraught because her husband is ill for protracted periods of time and she lacks money to buy necessities for her children. False pride should not keep her from seeking aid from agencies established to help in such emergencies. Every diocese has a charitable organization to aid the needy, and communities usually also have nonsectarian welfare agencies. Sometimes a mother is bedridden for long periods and receives inadequate care while her children are without the attention they require. Voluntary nurses' associations will give her the home treatments prescribed by her doctor, and, if necessary, Catholic Charities or community agencies will provide temporary homes for her children until she recuperates.

If problems center around your child's conduct at school, do not hesitate to ask his teacher or the school principal for advice. If you approach them with a determination to help your child, rather than to justify him or yourself, you will often gain a truer understanding of conditions that will enable you to handle his difficulties more successfully. School principals report, however, that the typical parent appears with a chip on her shoulder. She ignores the experience of the educator which is based upon observations of thousands of children in various stages of development. She would do better to pocket her pride, admit that either she or her youngster has been responsible for the difficulty in question, resist the impulse to accuse the teacher or principal of prejudice when there is no concrete evidence of it, and resolve to follow the advice given her.

A priest, doctor, principal or other expert may suggest that your problem can best be treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Generations ago, such a suggestion would have met great resistance, for the average person believed that consulting a psychologist or psychiatrist was a virtual admission of insanity. Some persons also saw psychiatry as a threat to religion--a threat which rarely existed and does not now exist from any competent psychiatrist. Others felt that it was intrinsically shameful to admit that they could not solve their own problems and had to seek professional counsel. While we cannot automatically be absolved of blame for emotional disturbances which require the services of psychiatry, nevertheless when a condition exists, it is all the more shameful to let false pride prevent us from doing something constructive about it.

Many persons are confused about the functions of a psychologist and a psychiatrist. A qualified psychologist has intensively studied the workings of the human mind and human behavior. He is often a doctor of philosophy and is equipped to treat common difficulties of family life- -the husband and wife who chronically do not agree about the upbringing of the children, the youngster who wets the bed long beyond the normal time, the intelligent child who seems unable to learn to read. A psychologist also can usually handle the problems of neurotics--those whose personality disorders are out of the ordinary but who are not considered insane. Such neurotics may be a father who drinks or gambles to excess, harming his family thereby; a child who constantly resorts to temper tantrums when he is denied his own way, even in trivial matters; an older child who has an apparent fixed determination to torment his younger brother at every opportunity. A psychologist is trained to probe beneath the surface of actions and to suggest treatment for the emotional disturbance basically responsible for them.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who primarily treats problems of the mind or emotions. He can handle all cases which might be brought to a psychologist, plus those where there are definite manifestations of more serious neuroses or insanity. The psychiatrist should be consulted when emotional problems are coupled with physical ones, as in psychosomatic disorders. For instance, a child who was confronted with important school examinations reported intense pain in his writing hand. Naturally, this condition prevented him from taking the test. A medical examination disclosed no physical basis for the pains. The child was found to be suffering from hysteria--he imagined pain which was nonetheless very real to him, in order to avoid taking a test he feared he would fail. The care of a psychiatrist may be indicated when a wife fails to respond normally to her husband's physical advances, when he is impotent, or when their physical relationship produces revulsion instead of satisfaction. Many patients of psychiatrists are unable to manifest love for other human beings. Many cannot make decisions or accept normal responsibilities.

A psychiatrist may use a wide variety of treatments--drugs where they are indicated, water baths or electro-shock therapy. He may use play therapy with a child: he invites the youngster to participate in games so that he can observe the patient in everyday circumstances. A boy playing checkers will indicate how he tolerates frustration and defeat. A girl who "plays house" may treat her doll as she has been treated by her mother, and will thus reveal many of her innermost feelings. With insight thus gained, the practitioner can more easily determine the basic conflicts beneath the problem. Techniques of play therapy are also used by psychologists.

When emotional disturbances have lasted for a long time, possibly since early childhood, the psychiatrist will use psychoanalysis. This is the much publicized procedure in which the patient is encouraged to talk freely and confidentially of his life problems. In these unguarded discussions, the patient often reveals factors in his early training which have caused his present condition. Because of the findings of psychoanalysts, parents now are urged to give their children greater freedom in training for bowel and bladder control and to refrain from demanding excessive cleanliness. For a fear of germs was implanted so deeply in some children, psychoanalysts discovered years later, that they were unable even to kiss their marriage partners without inner qualms.

Talking over one's deepest feelings with a sympathetic, objective listener often helps a patient gain a new perspective about his problem. Once realizing why he feels and acts as he does, he is often enabled to change his patterns of reaction. Sometimes patients achieve an understanding of their difficulties after a few hours of psychoanalysis. But treatment often lasts for months, even years. Obviously, the longer the condition has remained in the patient s subconscious, the more difficult it will be to reach and remove. For this reason, psychoanalysis is often spectacularly successful in reaching the roots of youthful behavior problems. But since the child depends almost entirely upon his parents, the causes of most if not all of his problems rest in their conduct. Therefore parents who bring their child to a psychiatrist usually must be prepared to hear that the child's condition will improve only if they change their attitude toward him in one or several important particulars.

If you must choose a psychologist or psychiatrist, do so with the utmost care. Some persons will shop at half a dozen different stores before buying a pair of shoes, and then will choose from the phone book a professional consultant about whom they know nothing. Responsible professional organizations like the National Association for Mental Health and the American Association of Marriage Counselors have warned of the widespread existence of psychological "quacks" who pose as experts on family problems. Ask your pastor, school principal, family doctor, an official of Catholic Charities or another responsible welfare organization to recommend a reputable practitioner. They will gladly do so. This simple precaution may save you inestimable time and money and insure you of the best possible help in solving your problems.

"Disgrace" in the family. Often, despite the most sincere efforts of parents, a child for some inexplicable reason fails to develop into a normal adolescent or adult who lives up to his responsibilities respectably and honorably. A son or daughter may be attracted to evil companions and may lead a life which causes public scandal. An offspring may drink, gamble, or develop other habits that become occasions of sin, if they are not sinful themselves. Or, after acquiring a limited education, he may become sophisticated and turn away from the teachings of the Church because they are not modern enough for him.

Whenever such conditions occur, good Catholic parents are sorely tried. If they could they would correct their child's conduct and place him once again on the path to Christian virtue. Unfortunately, however, their influence over a child begins to wane after his early years. A tendency toward evil that you can correct easily in your child of six will be difficult to eradicate when he is fourteen and may become impossible to remove when he is twenty-two. The plight of parents with offspring who cause shame should remind all mothers and fathers that the time to implant habits of virtue is when children are young--not when they are adults.

With our present knowledge of the causes of delinquency, promiscuity, and other shameful deviations from normal behavior, we can advise parents that scoldings, recriminations and threats are almost always foredoomed to failure. Our Lord clearly taught in his gentleness toward Mary Magdalene that sinners can be won over by love, affection and sympathetic understanding--and that one may legitimately hope for reformation regardless of the depth to which the sinner has declined.

Parents must never cease to strive, by prayer, example and teaching, to help their wayward child to save his soul. They should create a framework of love and affection in which to discuss his problems with him and, by reasoning with him, try to get him to mend his ways.

Of course, you cannot condone sin. If your child uses your home for sinful purposes, you are morally obligated to prevent him from doing so. If he refuses to be married in the Church, you cannot attend a civil ceremony and thus implicitly bless his action. You must always avoid giving others the impression that you support your child in actions which violate moral teaching. On the other hand, you should make it plain that while you deplore and detest the sin, you love the sinner. By your unquestioned concern, kindness and sacrifice, and despite obstacles which seem insurmountable and disappointments which bring you to the border of despair, you may yet see a reawakening of his conscience and his ultimate return to you and the Church.

The need for sympathy and love is especially important in the case of a daughter who becomes pregnant outside marriage and faces the awful prospect of bearing a child without a father. In older generations, such a sin was often considered justification for her parents to turn her away from their door and to thrust her, hopeless and friendless, upon a scoffing world. Such cold-blooded lack of charity was often a greater sin than the act which prompted it. Fortunately very few modern parents so lack compassion that they would reject a daughter at the moment when she needs them most.

Girls in such a predicament often have not received the parental love to which they are entitled. Some grow up in an atmosphere where they are deprived of natural objects for their affection, and they respond unthinkingly to the first individual who offers them kindness. Of course, every person must fully accept the consequences for his or her own sins. But parents should also humbly consider whether their actions have not contributed to the tragedy. Even where they are not at fault, they should have charity.

When pregnancies occur outside of marriage, the question usually arises of whether the girl should marry the man responsible for her condition. Experience teaches that marriages based solely upon a physical relationship which has produced unforeseen consequences stand little chance of providing happiness for either man, woman or child. If a strong bond of affection exists between the boy and girl, however, marriage may be considered a wise solution.

If marriage is impossible or undesirable, plans should be made for the girl to live away from her home community in the later stages of her pregnancy. Many institutions exist to provide kind care and sympathetic attention to unmarried mothers. Often, they also arrange for the infant to be adopted, because the unmarried mother almost invariably lacks resources to provide the proper home environment for her child during his long years of dependency. The parish priest will know where institutions of this kind are located within convenient distance of the community where the girl lives.

When this procedure is followed, the unwed mother can return to her home without becoming the subject of a public scandal. Now, as during her pregnancy, her parents should display the Christian virtue of forgiveness. They should do all within their power to encourage her to turn from past habits and associations and to build a new life with courage and trust in God.

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THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 11: SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

ONE of the most significant changes of our time--perhaps the most important of all--has been the gradual and insidious breakdown of the family unit which has served man since his earliest moments. And no aspect of this breakdown is more alarming than the growing number of mothers who spend their days at work outside the home.

The extent of this trend is dramatically illustrated by figures compiled by the U.S. Census Bureau. In 1890, about 4,000,000 women in the United States--one in seven--were employed outside the home. By 1920, there were about 8,000,000 female jobholders--and most were single women, widows, or mothers whose children had grown and no longer required their care. Even after World War I, the typical American husband considered it his shame if his wife worked to augment his income; it meant to him that he was an incompetent provider.

Contrast those statistics with today's. In 1958, according to the same government sources, about 23,000,000 women were in the labor force. One worker in three was female. For the first time in our history, more married than single women are employed by business and industry. Even more startling is the fact that one of every five mothers with children under five has a full-time job. Economists have estimated that if present trends continue, the married woman between 35 and 65 who remains at home will be in the minority within fifteen years; before this century ends, the woman who strives to fulfill her historic role as educator of her children will be virtually extinct.

What lies behind the frantic effort by so many American mothers to relinquish their position in the home and to place themselves on a payroll?

An obvious answer might be that their family needs the money. Actually, however, a survey by the U.S. Department of Labor has revealed that only about one woman worker in seven is the sole support of her family. Such bread-winners are usually widows or are separated from their husbands. They can see no alternative to work. They either take outside employment to support their families or go on relief.

The vast majority of mothers work for reasons other than absolute economic necessity, however. Most seek to provide higher standards of living than would be possible on the husband's income alone. For instance, many take jobs so that the family may have a more expensive home, better furniture, an automobile, the opportunity to take vacations and similar privileges. Another category of working mothers consists of those who seek creative satisfactions which they feel that they cannot obtain by caring for their children. Many in this group have been educated to work in the professions, or as secretaries, typists and the like.

Other factors--and combinations of factors--doubtless contribute to the decision of mothers to work. A woman may desire to avoid the loneliness which frequently accompanies the job of caring for small children. She may want to feel independent of her husband. She may seek the excitement often found in the business world where there are new challenges and people to meet. But regardless of why a woman leaves her children in other hands and becomes a wage-earner, one fact is paramount: unless she has a compelling economic reason for doing so, she is downgrading motherhood as her career. And since civilized people have long agreed that the development of young minds and souls is the greatest and most rewarding task that can be entrusted to humans, it is obvious that the woman who voluntarily turns away from her responsibility is changing the function of motherhood which has existed for ages. She is thus encouraging a revolution which will have a powerful effect upon society for generations to come.

In fairness to working mothers, however, it must be stated that the majority probably do not fully realize the consequences in terms of harm to their families and themselves that result from their long daily absences from the home.

Harm to the child. The young child needs his mother. No one else can adequately substitute. A child needs her constant affection and tender guidance, because only upon these foundations can he build the sense of security he needs for his full emotional development. He cannot get this affection at a nursery school. Nor can he obtain it from a succession of trained nursemaids who--however conscientious--cannot give the continuity of love essential for his growth.

The obligation of the woman who bears a child to care for it during its early formative years is recognized even by primitive societies. But what every woman instinctively knows is confirmed by the cold, analytical studies of scientists. For example, in a historic report on "Maternal Care and Mental Health," published in Geneva in 1952, Dr. John Bowlby declared that the child's entire personality development depends upon the continuity of his relationship with his mother. If the child learns to give his love intimately and consistently to one person throughout his early years of growth, he develops a trust in human goodness and an inner security that enables him to meet confidently the problems of growing up.

What are the effects upon a child deprived of his mother's love during his early, crucial years? Medical records provide a voluminous and terrifying answer. During World War II, governmental authorities in Europe decided to evacuate children from zones in danger of enemy attack. Doctors had the opportunity to compare the psychological effect upon evacuated youngsters separated from their mothers, and upon children who remained with their mothers in areas where bombs fell. The doctors found that the incidence of neurosis and psychosis was fantastically higher among the evacuated children. Those who remained at home could endure even the threat of death without permanent psychological injury, because the security of their mothers' love sustained them in every time of danger.

The feeling that he has been deserted is one of the most terrifying experiences a young person can face. As proof, consider the hysterical scenes in a hospital ward. A child deposited in strange surroundings may experience such an intense fear of the unknown that it etches itself into his memory for the rest of his life. Psychiatrists report that the loss of their mother--through death, desertion, divorce or other factors--gives some children a fear and insecurity that they never entirely lose. Such a child may revert to infantile habits--his attempt to recapture the days when he had his mother's love. He may resist all efforts at discipline, and may whine or cry for no apparent reason. As an adult, he may require psychiatric care, for the adult patient who lost his mother during his early childhood sometimes is unable to give unstinting love to his wife--or to any human being-- because he dreads the pain he would feel anew if his love were rejected again.

Of course, few children suffer in this acute way if a working mother shows her love when she and her child are together. Nonetheless, the child suffers more psychological damage than a parent perhaps realizes. The extent of the damage depends, naturally, on the amount of maternal deprivation.

Dr. Bowlby, in a report quoted by the "Ladies' Home Journal" of November 1958, says that the commonest result is a tendency to feel anxious and unhappy and to dread solitude. These symptoms are related to a feeling of basic insecurity. Dr. Bowlby says that children who have never received continuous loving care from one person cannot learn to love and develop emotional depth. "They act from whim," he says, "and are very sad, unreliable people indeed.

"Children who have known real mothering for a time and then have lost it before they are three sometimes grow up full of hate and mistrust, mixed with a desire for love that they are afraid to admit but which comes out in such things as stealing and promiscuity--lone wolves and lost souls, they are. Deprivation after the age of three isn't quite so bad, but it still results too often in excessive desires for affection and excessive jealousy which cause acute inner conflict and unhappiness."

Many working mothers report that on Saturdays and Sundays, when they are at home, their little ones are with them constantly and do not want to let them out of their sight. The mother interprets this as an indication that she retains her child's love and trust. True, but it also indicates the child's insecurity and his fear that she will again leave him.

Harm to the husband. The damage that a working wife may inflict upon her husband may be almost as great as that done to her child. Man by nature must be the head of the home. From our earliest day, and through all stages of our civilization, he has been the family's provider. He is best fitted for this role: he is naturally active and decisive; he is muscularly stronger than woman; his physical reflexes are better developed. These characteristics have enabled him to hunt, fish and provide the other necessities of life to enable the family to live together. Even today, when physical prowess is not the most important attribute for the provider, typical masculine traits are required to achieve success in the business world.

By taking a position outside the home, a mother throws the historic relationship with her husband out of balance. How can he be the head of the house when he is not considered capable of performing his basic function? The very qualities she must develop in the working world-- masculine traits of aggressiveness, decisiveness, coldness, impersonality--are the antithesis of those she needs in dealing with husband and children. She no longer complements her husband as nature intended. She becomes his rival. However much husbands sometimes encourage or accept the employment of the wife outside the home, the situation is not normal and not conducive to a good husband-wife relationship.

In other days, the mother always was responsible for the care of the home, and boys and girls knew that it was her job to mend clothes, prepare meals, wash diapers and clean the house. Today, husbands of working wives often do all of these tasks. Their youngsters have a difficult time in determining where Father's job begins and ends, and where Mother's function begins and ends. But as we have seen, a human being's full development can come only if he knows clearly what is expected of him as an adult. Boys must know what a man's work is. Girls must know how mothers should act. When there is a vast neutralized area, neither clearly masculine nor feminine, the sexual development of youngsters and their ability to comprehend their own responsibility in marriage are impaired. One of the great causes of marital unhappiness is the uncertainty of partners as to their respective roles. This confusion was first created in their childhood experience.

In view of the fact that her act of working outside the home downgrades her husband, his resentment might often be expected. Researchers of the Marriage Council of Philadelphia found this to be a fact. They studied the causes of troubled marriages referred to them for help, and they concluded positively that tensions in a home tend to increase when both partners produce incomes. The largest number of disagreements centered around management of the house, finances, the wife's job, the husband's work, the sharing of household tasks and the upbringing of the children. The researchers concluded flatly that the very existence of the marriage is threatened if a wife works against her husband's wishes.

Harm to the family unit. A working mother may cause more subtle damage to the family unit. For instance, if she works merely to improve material standards of living and not from sheer necessity, she may tend to put false values in first place. The family may come to believe that a new rug, steak on the table instead of hamburger, or clothes that reflect the latest decrees from Paris all are necessary to the enjoyment of life. Such standards may accustom her children to view life's successes and failures from a materialistic point of view. They thus may be taught, by example if not by word, to put spiritual and emotional values in a lower place.

Once materialism takes over in a home, the birth-control mentality almost surely follows. When a mother works to raise her family's living standards, she may more easily succumb to the temptation to prevent the birth of a new life which would force her to quit her job and thus lower her standard of living. Or if she becomes pregnant, the child may be held responsible for reducing the family income--and may never receive the loving acceptance which is his right. Family limitation almost always goes hand in hand with the young working mother. The great tragedy of this arrangement is that it deprives children of brothers and sisters who contribute to a well-rounded and affectionate family life.

Harm to herself. The harm a working mother does to her children and her husband may be equaled by that she does to herself. First, she takes the risk that once she gets a job--even a temporary one--she will not be able to become a full-time homemaker again. As millions of working wives can testify, it is all too easy for a family to live up to its new income.

One mother, by no means atypical, once took a sales clerk's position to earn extra money for Christmas. She boarded her two small children, four and two years old, with her married sister who lived a mile away. Thanks to her earnings, her children had better clothes and her husband purchased expensive photographic equipment he had always wanted. After Christmas, however, the family was as badly off financially as before, and the mother decided to continue working--just for a few months more, of course. But soon the family was spending the additional income as soon as it came in. The husband was a salesman who could take days off at his convenience--without pay--and now that his wife had a dependable income, his days off became increasingly frequent. Before long the family depended as much upon the mother's earnings as they had upon the father's. The children continued to spend their days under their aunt's care. It is now eleven years since the mother took her "temporary" job. Her husband has become steadily lazier and her children respond less warmly to her than to her sister. She has been trapped into a lifetime of unrewarding drudgery.

The emotional harm that working mothers may do to themselves is often overlooked. One group of researchers interviewed young mothers and found that 64 per cent cited neglect of their home, their family and their housework as the main disadvantages of working. It would be an odd mother who did not feel concern when she went to a place of business leaving her sick child behind to be cared for by someone else. Few mothers can remain totally serene as they give their young sons latchkeys so that they can let themselves into the home after school to spend several hours without adult supervision. Indeed, one psychologist has described the typical working mother as a person subject to opposing pressures--the pressure to concentrate all her energies and efforts on succeeding at her outside job, and the pressure of being a good wife and mother. When she devotes herself to business, she cannot help but be aware that she takes time and energy away from the service she owes her husband and her children. Few mothers can avoid the nagging, emotionally harmful sense of guilt that results.

In order to compensate for this time spent away from home, some seem determined not to let their home and family suffer. After working outside all day, they plunge into frantic housework, preparing meals, scrubbing floors, mending clothes--tasks which stay-at-home mothers perform during the day. By trying to fill two jobs, they often become so tense that they cannot relax and enjoy their family's company. They become martyrs to their dual obligations--and their conduct hardly presents to the child an appealing picture of the burden of motherhood. It is likely that more than one spinster is unmarried today because she was determined not to duplicate the life endured by her mother who worked outside the home by day and inside it far into the night.

Does it really pay mothers to work? Many economists have pointed out that the actual financial gain achieved by the average working mother may be considerably less than she imagines. Many go further and state that she often is not substantially better off financially than if she remained at home.

Economists of the Department of Agriculture recently interviewed 365 wives with jobs outside their homes. This survey established that for every dollar a working wife earns, only sixty cents is actually added to the family's income. The average wife earned $2,200 a year. But she paid almost one third of that sum--$614--for transportation, lunches and other items. In addition, she had to pay $184 for laundry, child care, etc. She also paid $105 for clothing and personal grooming which she probably would not have needed had she remained at home. Instead of $2,200, therefore, she actually had only $1,297 to show for her year's work--before taxes!

Other economists have found that a working mother's expenses may be much greater even than this survey shows. For instance, taxes must be deducted from her salary and the government usually takes a greater percentage from her than from her husband, because the tax rate increases as family income increases. A typical working woman no longer has time to prepare low-cost meals or to shop for food bargains. As a result, her family eats more prepared foods--canned or frozen foods or restaurant meals--which are naturally more expensive. Out of her earnings, she often must pay someone to care for her children, and medical bills tend to shoot up sharply. Unable to care for her children personally and often distrustful of the person she hired to do so, she seeks a doctor's advice more often than would normally be the case. There are also extra expenditures for cleaning help, laundry, and possibly for the sheer luxuries she feels entitled to because she is doing two jobs. When these factors are considered, it can be seen that the working mother often merely changes jobs and does not receive any substantial financial gain from doing so.

Alternatives to work outside the home. Deploring the fact that more and more women seek work satisfactions outside their family circle will not reverse this trend, of course. Women must come to realize anew that their greatest contribution to God and society, and their greatest personal accomplishment, can come only when they bring new lives into existence and teach these beings to walk a path to earthly and eternal happiness. Frank Gavitt, one of the country's outstanding public relations executives, has recommended that universities award honorary degrees to outstanding mothers as they do to distinguished political, business and professional leaders. His suggestion would help to confer on motherhood the dignity and prestige it apparently needs before modern women will give it their total commitment.

It is ironic that a major trend of recent years has been that of "doing it yourself." It seems that men obtain so few satisfactions from their work that they develop projects at home to give their creative energies an outlet. But while fathers return to the home, mothers are neglecting the creative aspects of home-making. Many of us can remember mothers or grandmothers who baked bread and cake, canned fruits and vegetables, and made their own clothing. The work not only saved money but gave a feeling of worth-while accomplishment. If today's mothers used fewer of the costly products that take much of the creative joy out of homemaking, they might contribute almost as much to their families economically as they do by taking outside jobs.

What about mothers who must work because of real financial need? They should try to obtain employment which will enable them to be near their young children when they are needed most--during the daytime. There are more of such jobs than one might imagine. One mother obtained a position soliciting magazine subscriptions; she wheels her infant in a carriage from door to door, meeting his needs whenever they arise. Another woman runs a "day nursery," caring for the children of neighborhood mothers who wish to shop in freedom. A mother of three small children earns the family income as a typist, working at home for local businessmen while her children play under her supervision. Books listing hundreds of jobs which mothers can profitably perform in or near their homes are available at most public libraries.

Mothers of school-age youngsters can find many opportunities for part- time employment. A typical job is that of sales clerk. Most shoppers are women with children, and they visit the stores while their own young ones attend school. Many stores therefore require special help to handle the extra crowds from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. Women who work during those hours can see their children off to school and can return home when they do.

The problem of "moonlighters." Some of the reasons which prompt mothers to take outside employment also are responsible for the growing number of "moonlighters"--men who hold jobs at night as well as in the daytime. According to the Census Bureau, one male employee in twenty holds a second job.

Like the working mother, the father who holds two jobs can harm the family unit, his mate, his children, and himself. The family suffers because in effect it lacks his leadership. The man away from home sixteen hours a day, who returns only to sleep and to eat a quick meal or two, hardly gives the personal example which his children need to learn to be adults. When mother and children do not see the father except when he is asleep, they cannot be said to have a real family at all.

The wife suffers, because she is denied her husband's companionship. As is pointed out in detail in "The Catholic Marriage Manual," mothers are justifiably tired of childish company after a long day spent exclusively with their little ones. They have a right to expect the attention, companionship and affection of their mates for at least a few hours of the twenty-four-hour period. The man who is busy earning money may love his wife and may want to make life easier for her. But a willingness to spend his free hours with her, even at the expense of material comforts, would be a greater indication of his affection--and would do far more for her.

The "moonlighter's" children suffer because they lose the opportunity of knowing their father at leisure. It is usually only after his day's work is done and the evening is at hand that he can talk to his children--recount his own experiences, prepare them for their future, and instill standards of conduct that will guide them throughout their lives. It is the father who gives his son his ideals and ideas of manhood and who teaches his daughter by example what to expect in her own husband when she marries. By his absence for prolonged periods, therefore, the "moonlighter" may be denying his children direction and example as much as does the father who does not live at home.

Nor should we overlook the fact that the man who holds two jobs for long periods may cause intense physical harm to himself. When he must bolt his meals to get from one job to another, when he works such long hours that he cannot get adequate sleep, when his schedule denies him any opportunity for recreation, he increases his nervous tension and susceptibility to the many diseases, such as heart trouble, high blood pressure and ulcers, which result at least partially from an inability to develop relaxed habits of living. The man who "moonlights" over a long period of time certainly will find that some, if not much, of his increased earnings must be used to pay doctors' bills.

We Americans make a fetish of our high standard of living. Advertisers and others bombard us with the concept that we can achieve happiness only if we have a better house, richer food, thicker rugs, more powerful cars than those commonly possessed even ten years ago. Acceptance of this false set of values is generally what prompts the mother to work and the father to "moonlight." They overlook the basic fact that a family's essentials for life--food, shelter, clothing--can generally be obtained on the father's salary. When misguided ambition makes it necessary for the mother to work or the father to take a second job, the family achieves not true happiness but only a few materialistic substitutes for it.

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 12: WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

NOT long ago, newspapers told the story of a twenty-seven-year-old man who had shot and killed his father. In prison, the man defiantly explained why he had done it. Throughout his life, he had been interested in teaching as a career. But whenever he mentioned his aspiration, his father ridiculed it and told him that he must enter the family business. After completing a college course in business administration at his father's dictation, the young man was placed at work in the family store. It was evident that he was not equipped to do the kind of sales work necessary for success in the business, but his father drove him on with ridicule. Finally, he could stand it no longer and in frustrated rage performed the deed which shocked the public everywhere.

Like most occurrences which reach print, this was an extreme case. Few men kill their fathers because of differences over their careers, and few fathers callously demand that their children pursue vocations unsuited to them. Yet this story serves the useful purpose of pointing out that parents should give intelligent and sympathetic consideration to their child's ambitions.

Another moral of the tragedy cited is, of course, that every person should decide his own course in life. A consistent objective of his training as a child, adolescent, and young adult should be to enable him ultimately to be completely free in the sense that he can make his own decisions and accept complete responsibility for them. Thus he alone should choose his life work, because its success or failure will depend upon him only. He alone has the intimate knowledge of his talents, motives and aspirations required to make a choice and to succeed in what he chooses.

But while your child must in the final analysis select this vocation by himself, you can help him to determine what his objectives should be. Indeed, as a conscientious parent, you must do so. You must take a part in formulating standards which will guide him regardless of whether his future station, in the eyes of the world, is high or low.

Your child will often ask you what you want him to be when he grows up. By your answers, you can implant ideals which will serve as his own guideposts. Moreover, you can help him recognize the importance of high objectives by your own daily conduct. A father will strongly influence his son's choice of a life work by his attitude toward his own occupation; by the respect he shows to priests, brothers, doctors, teachers and others who give of themselves to serve mankind; by his own attitudes about the monetary rewards of work and the things that money will--and will not--buy. Likewise, a mother will influence her son and daughter by the amount of cheer she radiates as she does her daily household tasks; by the way she greets the nuns at school, whether it be with deference or indifference; by her attitudes toward neighbors and acquaintances with greater or fewer material possessions than she has.

Any worthy vocation should fulfill three requirements.

1. It must help your child save his soul. At the very least, it must not, by its nature, constitute a hazard to salvation.

2. It should serve mankind in some constructive way. As an extreme example, the young man who inherited a large sum of money and decided to devote his life exclusively to his own pleasure could hardly be said to have a worthy objective. Nor could the young woman who hoped to marry and practice artificial birth control so that she could lead a social life unhampered by the responsibilities of parenthood.

3. The work should be within his capabilities. The youth who is helped to select a kind of work in which he has a reasonable chance of making progress is also more likely to achieve his first and second objectives as well.

It is worth noting carefully that this listing of basic objectives omits such goals as wealth, glory, power and similar allurements. For implicit in this listing of worthy objectives is the teaching of Jesus: "For what does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, but suffer the loss of his own soul?" (St. Matthew 16:26) The emphasis is on true and lasting values--"treasures in heaven, where neither rust nor moth consumes, nor thieves break in and steal." (St. Matthew 6:20) The Bible teaches us that "covetousness is the root of all evil" (1 Timothy 6:10) and that it is "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' (St. Matthew 19:24) Not only does an ambition to achieve wealth for its own sake violate Our Lord's repeated teachings; it is not even suitable as a worldly ambition. One can search in vain for the man whose riches have brought even earthly happiness; the rich who achieve the serenity of those less favored financially usually do so only by using their wealth to serve others.

When you encourage your child to keep these three objectives constantly before him, you do not limit his number of choices in any substantial way. He can achieve all of his great goals--attain salvation, perform tasks which benefit mankind, and properly use his God-given talents--in either the religious or secular life.

The religious life. If your child accepts the ideals of creative service which you have implanted, he or she will be more receptive to a call to serve as a priest, brother or sister, should such be God's will. And if the call is heard and heeded, rejoice; by Divine plan, your child has been offered the privilege, for which few humans are chosen, of devoting a life to the complete, unquestioning service of the Creator and of participating in the noblest work of mankind.

You should not try to force your children into a religious life, or to assume that a vocation exists when it actually does not. Equally, you should not try to discourage a child to whom the religious life appeals. What, then, is the proper environment to provide? It is simply a natural, Catholic home--one in which you and your children experience your faith as a vital factor in your daily lives; where you demonstrate the importance of your spiritual beliefs and show proper respect, admiration and gratitude to persons in the religious life. In such a home, a child will learn that the standards for a priest, brother or sister are high--but not so high that a normal boy or girl with a wholesome Catholic upbringing cannot, with all modesty, aspire to them.

How can one know if he or she is being called to a religious life? The answer may be found in part by considering the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual requirements for priests, brothers or sisters. A religious must be in reasonably good health, because demands of this life are often more rigorous than those of secular professions. For the priesthood, teaching brotherhood or sisterhood, the prospective candidate needs a good--but not necessarily exceptional--mentality. But even youngsters with a less gifted mentality may serve in religious orders as workers in the kitchens, in hospitals, as helpers to missionaries and in other ways.

The prospect must also have at least a normal amount of piety, along with spiritual and emotional qualities which encourage his superiors to hope that he can advance in grace in the religious life. He must have a sense of service--a willingness to sacrifice his own comforts and even his life, if need be, for others. He should be optimistic and enthusiastic--a buoyant spirit will enable him to establish great goals for his work and to triumph over the inevitable disappointments which threaten his achievement of them. He will need unusual strength of will--he must always keep his mind fixed upon his vocation and resist temptations which threaten to blind him.

The most important quality of all, however, is a voluntary desire to serve Our Lord in the religious life. It is this desire, instilled by God, and combined with the other qualities outlined above, which is evidence of a vocation. When these conditions exist in a young person, God is saying that He will have the boy or girl in His service. The young person may, by the exercise of free will, accept or reject the call.

Can Catholic parents thwart a religious vocation? This question should not need to be asked. But it must be asked, because parents who consider themselves good Catholics in other respects sometimes openly ridicule aspirations toward a religious life or even forcibly prevent their child from entering a seminary or convent.

Many reasons are given for this animosity toward a religious vocation- For instance, their child is "too young to make up his own mind." This suggestion overlooks the fact that a youngster enters a seminary, religious house or convent only to train for a religious course, and never takes final vows until he is old enough to assume full personal responsibility for his decision--usually at the age of 25 or more.

"It is not an appealing kind of life." Parents base this statement upon their own interests and preferences--not upon those of their child. Obviously, the young person finds strong appeal in a religious life, else he would not consider it. Moreover, if the life is as unappealing as the parents picture it, the child has ample opportunity to discover this for himself and withdraw from training with good grace.

"My child knows nothing about life and does not know what he would miss in a religious vocation." If this argument were valid, the person who decided to become a doctor would first be encouraged to spend several years as a sea captain or merchant mariner, visiting the ports of the world. Only then would he know what he was giving up by starting a practice which would confine him to one place. To carry the analogy even further, the girl who intended to get married should first become a nun, for the nun experiences many compensations which the wife misses.

"Once he joins a religious community he will be lost to us for life." This argument also lacks validity, because parents usually do not object to other careers in which a similar loss might ensue. For example, the young man who makes the Army his career might be transferred to overseas bases and would see his parents much less frequently than if he were a priest or brother. Since World War II, Americans have moved around at a faster rate than ever before and it is not uncommon for a young man or woman to marry and set up a home thousands of miles from where the parents live. Few parents would actively object to the marriage of a son or daughter on those grounds.

What should you do when your child expresses an interest in the religious life? In the first place be grateful that God has blessed your own family life by giving you a potential religious. Certainly the presence of a priest, brother or nun in a family is often as much a reward to parents for their efforts in God's behalf as it is due to any special qualification in the candidate himself. If your instinctive reaction to the call is one of joy and thanksgiving, you manifestly possess a healthy Christian outlook. If, on the other hand, you resent or reject the stirring of a religious vocation in the soul of your young one, you should take stock of yourself. In either case, permit him the basic privilege of making up his own mind about so vital a question. Encourage him to think about his vocation and to seek advice from priests, brothers or sisters who can discuss its rewards and difficulties most effectively and intelligently. Provide him with good spiritual reading--Catholic books, magazines and newspapers--from which he will learn about the many kinds of service a religious may perform. See to it that he consults a priest immediately. Pray that he will see God's will and follow it--and that you will accept God's will as well. If he does embark upon a religious life, always remember him in your prayers. For the religious, no less than the layman, must fight against his human nature in order to achieve his own salvation.

Marriage and the single state. Obviously, most boys and girls will not be called to a religious life. Their vocation will be to serve God and their fellow men as husband or wife or in the single state. Regardless of their state in life, they should be taught to approach it with the sense of reverence and respect that the priest, brother and nun manifest for a religious vocation.

How can you best prepare your child for the vocation of marriage?

First, by giving him the example of your own lives. As he observes you and your mate in your everyday experiences, he can readily agree that marriage is an institution in which mutual love and respect thrive, and is a means by which he may achieve earthly happiness as well as eternal salvation.

Secondly, by making it plain to your children precisely what marriage is. It should not be regarded merely as a convenient arrangement which two persons can enter without preparation. Rather, it is a lifelong sacramental contract involving serious responsibilities and producing great rewards. Children should know that a husband and wife must be prepared to procreate and educate children to take an ultimate place in the Kingdom of God.

The parent who loves his children and takes pleasure in training them in right conduct gives the best possible testimonial to marriage. On the other hand, the parent who constantly complains about his physical, financial or emotional burdens breaks down his youngster's vision of marriage as a worthy state in life.

While marriage makes a glorious vocation in which the opportunity to serve God through parenthood is second only to that of the religious life, your child would not have a true choice if he were taught that it is the only course open for a person who remains in the world. Some mothers make this mistake in teaching daughters especially, and it is a mistake to which society contributes by giving an unpleasant connotation to the term "spinster." Numerous conditions are worse than living in a single state, as any person chained to an intolerable marriage might affirm.

There are many reasons why a person might remain unmarried. For instance, he might choose to care for dependent parents. His choice should be voluntary, however; parents should never encourage a child to refrain from marriage because of their selfish interests. A man or woman may be unable to find a suitable partner; by refusing to marry simply for the sake of marriage, he or she exercises admirable prudence. Or the man or woman might be unwilling to accept the responsibilities of marriage. One who, rightly or wrongly, feels inadequate to train children, for instance, makes a wiser choice in remaining unmarried than one who marries and then practices birth control.

Ambitions for the laity. The fact that most young men and women will spend their lives in the world does not mean that they should not be fully dedicated to the ideal of serving God and man. In fact, this ideal can be brought to almost every occupation.

Our society needs teachers who will zealously help young persons achieve a sense of the true values in life. It needs writers who will uplift man and awaken him to his highest aspirations, as opposed to many who emphasize the degraded aspects of life. It needs men who will bring selfless dedication into public service and labor unions. It needs nurses, hospital workers, scientists, businessmen who place human values above those of the cash register.

One could cite almost innumerable illustrations of dedicated workers who benefit mankind in a spiritual, physical or emotional way. The laboratory researcher who puts self-interest aside to search for a cancer cure is truly a successful man, regardless of the amount on his pay check. The young woman who becomes a librarian to implant a love of good reading in young people makes far better use of her talents than if she took some other job simply because the salary was greater. The salesman who chooses to sell a product which will benefit humanity, even though his earnings are less than they would be if he sold a harmful one, brings worthy ideals to his work.

Father James Keller, M.M., director of the Christophers (18 East 48 Street, New York 17, New York) has made millions of Americans aware of the tremendous amount of good that one dedicated person can do. The Christophers aim to encourage each individual to show a personal, practical responsibility in restoring the love of Christ to the marketplace and to government, education, literature, entertainment and labor unions. They emphasize the importance of positive, constructive action and have adopted the slogan, "Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." Father Keller has encouraged countless thousands to undertake less glamorous, lower-paying jobs in order better to serve in Christ's name. "Individuals who pursue this unpopular path receive a recompense which is a foretaste of the everlasting joy of heaven," he states.

He lists nine considerations which you should strive to impress upon your children and which you yourself might apply. These are:

1. You are important. You, as a distinct human being, have been created in God's image. All of humanity is nothing more than you over and over again.

2. No substitute for you. God has assigned to you a special mission in life which He has given to no one else. No matter how small it may seem to you or others, it is important in His sight.

3. Don't cheat others. The Lord sends blessings to some people through you. If you fail to pass them on, you deprive others of what is rightfully theirs.

4. You are needed. If everyone figured "I don't count," imagine what disastrous consequences could result.

5. Spiritualize your least efforts. Begin to be a Christopher or Christ-bearer by serving others in small ways. Remember Christ said that if you do no more than give a "cup of cold water" for his sake (Matt. 10:42) you shall gain an everlasting reward.

6. Start in your home. If you develop a sense of personal responsibility in your own home, school, business and every other place, you will soon wish to reach out to wider horizons.

7. Don't bury your talent. Even if God has given you only one talent, put it to work for the good of others. Don't be like the man in the Gospel who said: "And being afraid I went and hid the talent in the earth." (Matt. 25:25)

8. For better or worse. What you do--by prayer, word and deed--to see that God's will is done "on earth as it is in heaven" affects the well- being of everyone to some degree. Yes, the world itself can be a little better because you have been in it.

9. You count as one. When tempted to play down your own individual importance, recall this old saying: "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do."

Even if a person is forced by economic necessity to take work which does not permit him to exercise his influence as fully as he might, he can still accomplish much in his spare time. A mother works in her parish library a few hours each week, making possible the dissemination of inspiring books and reading to her community. A man who played on his varsity football team in college spends his Saturdays coaching sixth-graders in the parish school. A bookkeeper by day runs for office as a member of a village board, because he feels that the board needs greater religious motivation in its actions. A group of parents persuade newsdealers in their town to remove from their shelves lascivious magazines and books which are a source of temptation to young people. Concerned by the complete ignoring of God in her community's public schools, a woman campaigned for a year and a half and finally succeeded in having plaques bearing the words "In God We Trust" installed in eighteen institutions. Noticing that inadequate care was provided for patients in their community hospital, a group of high school seniors became nurses' aides, bringing a touch of Christ's charity to patients who desperately needed it. Thousands of similar examples could be cited. They indicate what can be done when an individual is motivated by ideals of service, and they also suggest the sense of dedication which you can instill in your children by teaching and example.

The child who "disappoints." Probably every parent expects, or at least hopes, that his child will do great things with his life. The common statement that every American boy has a chance to be President reflects not only our democratic processes, but also the kind of aspiration in every parent's heart.

One need not look far to observe parents' "disappointments." The youngster who was going to become a lawyer instead takes a job low in prestige. The mother who hoped that her son might become a priest is disappointed when he shows no tendencies in that direction. The father who expected his son to enter his profession may discover that his son prefers an entirely different occupation.

All of these "disappointments" stem from the parent's failure to recognize that the child is an individual with a right to make up his own mind. Since he, and not you, must choose, it follows that you should not be chagrined if he selects a career which you have not anticipated for him. There is only one occasion when parents should be disappointed in a child's free choice of a vocation. That is when he adopts and pursues a career that hinders him in his struggle for salvation. In considering your child's life work, always remember the basic reason why he was born. He was created to know, love and serve God in this world and to be happy with Him in the next. Any work which enables him to achieve that objective is truly a noble vocation.

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 13: HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

TWENTY-FIVE years ago a book on the upbringing of children could skip lightly over problems of youngsters in their teen years. There would necessarily be a discussion of physical and emotional changes as children reach the age of puberty, but in general adolescence was considered to be merely an extension of childhood, and the problems of teen-agers were thought to be only slightly more acute than those of eight- or nine-year olds. Today, of course, a book that failed to consider adolescence in detail would be held lacking in an important-- and according to some people, the most important--respect.

No one can read current newspapers or magazines without concluding that the adolescent and his mannerisms are a major problem of our times. Stories of juvenile delinquency hit us from all sides. Scrapes of teen- age drivers; the defects of high school students, who, the experts tell us, are poorly educated, ill-mannered, badly fed; horrifying statistics on teen-age pregnancies--all emphasize why parents have become so concerned about this stage of their children's development.

Visit your public library and you will find shelves sagging with books which strive to enlighten parents about ways to cope with adolescents. A common theme is one which tells parents how they can "get along" with their teen-agers. This is highly significant. It highlights the fact that conditions have so changed that parents must study ways of adjusting to the demands of their children, rather than the other way around. The very existence of titles such as these strongly suggests where the "problem of adolescence" truly lies. In fact, so much has been written about the responsibilities of parents to their teen-agers- -and the difficulties of adjusting to the demands of young people--that some mothers and fathers look ahead to their child's pubescence with genuine horror.

How modern conditions vary from those of even a generation ago is revealed dramatically by the fact that one of the most comprehensive sociological studies of American life, "Middletown," published in 1929, in its chapter on education in a typical city does not even mention the existence of a teen-age problem. Moreover, eight years later--in 1937-- the authors returned to the scene of their study to determine what changes the depression had wrought. Again, although their other findings were exhaustive, they omitted mention of adolescent delinquency. This evidence, plus recollections by modern adults of their own teen years, supports the statement that never before have parents faced such a problem with adolescents as exists today. And the ramifications of this problem exist on all levels of life--spiritual, emotional, physical.

What has occurred within recent years to create the "teen-age crisis" and to cause many mothers and fathers to admit that they do not know what to do next?

Many factors have been at work. One is that the modern youngster is exposed to more outside influences than his predecessors, and that he learns the facts of adult life much earlier. For example, he may spend twenty or more hours before a television screen each week. He is exposed to adult situations and learns about courtship and the sexual relationship. He begins dating at an earlier age; as we shall see in Chapter 14, many parents actually encourage their elementary school children to date, and "going steady" has become a standard procedure in many high schools. There is also an increasing tendency of Americans to marry earlier; the average age of the modern bride is only twenty.

What used to be characteristic of young men and women in their late teens and early twenties--their strong desire for good times and preoccupation with their own interests--has been passed on to the teen- agers. A generation ago, high schools forbade smoking by students; today some institutions set aside smoking rooms for them. The family of a generation ago considered itself fortunate if it owned an automobile; now a high percentage of teen-agers drive their own cars, and the planner of a new high school must allow acres of space for parking.

The modern youngster also has more money to spend on himself. According to Eugene Gilbert, a researcher who specializes in exploring interests of young people, the average adolescent had only about $2.50 a week to spend in 1944. He derived this total both from his parents and his own earnings. Today the typical teen-ager spends almost $10 a week. Even after allowances for inflation, this figure reflects not only an increase in the amount he receives from his parents, but also his ability to get high pay for jobs like baby-sitting, lawn-mowing and car-washing. As a result, he often spends more money on luxuries than do his parents. The Motion Picture Association of America recently conducted a survey which revealed that more than half of all the patrons of movie theaters in a typical summer week were under twenty years of age. Makers of cosmetics have found that most of their business comes from adolescents, and many manufacturers of phonograph records would probably face bankruptcy without them.

Each year, America's 17,000,000 teen-agers are estimated to spend almost $10,000,000,000 which they have earned or received as allowances. This great spending power gives them a feeling of independence. Moreover, advertisers have been quick to note the potentialities of the huge adolescent market. As a consequence, youngsters are encouraged to consume products which parents traditionally have opposed their using. For example, the manufacturers of one brand of cigarettes depict smokers with schoolbooks under their arms. The implication--that it is permissible for high-schoolers to smoke--is unmistakable. Another cigarette firm studied the prevailing musical tastes of teen-agers to guide its choice of songs for the radio and television programs it sponsors. A beer advertiser shows young people enjoying his product while on the type of date that teen-agers might have. In effect, therefore, many businessmen who deplore teen-age activities in one area foster it in another by encouraging youngsters to spend their money for products of which parents generally disapprove. Business has a vested interest in "teen-age rebels."

A third, and perhaps most important, reason, for the emergence of adolescence as the "problem age" is that today's youngster lacks the security which previous generations felt. He lives with a gnawing fear that he may be forced to fight in the most terrible of all wars, and that the society in which he is growing up may not even exist for his lifetime. No other generation has ever foreseen its possible annihilation in an atomic holocaust.

Even without threats of a civilization-destroying war, modern youngsters would have reason to feel insecure because of other revolutionary changes in our lifetime. Fifty years ago, a boy could usually expect to follow his father's occupation, and a girl knew that her future would lie either in the religious life or in the home. A father and mother could train their child from an early age in the type of work he would do as an adult. He could face his future with confidence that, thanks to their help, he would be competent in his occupation. Today, however, society considers it ignoble if a youngster does not aspire to a "better" place in life than his parents held. The shoemaker's son must try to become a doctor; the daughter of a successful, happy housewife must aspire to a career as well as motherhood. Geoffrey Gorer, the famous British anthropologist, has noted that the American father is considered a success only to the extent that the son advances to a social rank above his. As Mr. Gorer wrote in his study, "The American People," father never knows best. He expects his son to know more than he does.

But in inspiring our children to move upward in social position, we ask them to enter uncharted areas where we cannot guide them. The father who began to work at fourteen and who now is asked to help his youngster master the high school subjects of algebra and Latin cannot perform a service which fathers have traditionally performed. Thus, when you ask your son to attain a superior position in life you may also be urging him to put you aside as his guide. For how can you help him travel unknown fields that lie ahead, when you yourself have not traveled them?

These three pressures--the earlier awareness in today's youngsters of the many facts of life, the pressures exerted upon them by advertisers and others, and the requirement that they reject their parents as they advance in the "American way of life"--all contribute to making adolescence of the present day a more difficult time for youngsters and their parents than ever before.

Physical and emotional changes of adolescence. Even under the best circumstances--those in which no external forces speed up the normal tendency of the adolescent to strive for emancipation from his parents- -factors within himself would tend to make this a period of stress. These factors are mainly physical and emotional.

The physical changes involve the development of glands which are necessary for the performance of the sexual act. This development sometimes throws the system out of balance and causes moodiness, irritation and outburst ranging from exhilaration to depression. The male glands become capable of producing semen, the fluid ejaculated by the penis in the act of copulation. At the same time, the boy develops the external signs of manhood--enlargement of his sexual organs, growth of hair on his face and various parts of his body, the deepening of his voice. Similar glandular changes occur within a girl. Her breasts develop and she begins to menstruate--the sign that her body is acquiring the capability of motherhood.

As these events occur, the adolescent experiences an awakening of sexual desire. This is a new and sometimes frightening experience. The boy will discharge seminal fluids in his sleep, perhaps with erotic dreams as an accompaniment. Unless his father has prepared him for the discharge by telling him that it is nature's way of harmlessly releasing these fluids, the boy may fear that his masculinity is defective. A girl may also have dreams of a sexual nature, and may feel a strong sense of guilt unless her mother has taught her that they are normal, natural and not sinful.

Even when boys or girls have a clear understanding of the physical changes of adolescence, they cannot be made completely aware of how the changes will affect them. The first stirrings of sexual desire and the youngster's realization that they must now resist sexual temptation on their own responsibility are experiences so intimate that no one could fully prepare them for it. If they cannot curb temptation and turn their minds to safe thoughts when it threatens, or if they succumb to the temptation, they may develop a keen sense of guilt and despair about their future. In particular, young persons who have masturbated may mistakenly believe that they have thereby impaired their ability to function as men and women in the marital act.

Emotional changes during adolescence are equally profound. A boy's budding physical powers encourage him to look ahead to his manhood, and he now discovers that he can make many decisions independently of his parents. For instance, once he enters high school, he usually can remain away from home from early morning until dinnertime without having to report in detail as to his whereabouts. He may have an independent source of income, possibly derived from delivering papers or working at a store on Saturdays, while his sister earns money by baby-sitting. Often he will select his own clothes, and possibly even pay for them out of his earnings. Away from home during lunch hours and on Saturdays, he can decide what food to eat. He enjoys his new independence and quite naturally wants more of it.

But his parents remember his complete childish dependence of a few years ago. They are not ready to believe that he can handle his obligations maturely. Thus they tend to deny him freedoms which he thinks he should have. He would like to attend a theater with friends and return about midnight; his parents know that since he must arise early the next morning, he will need more sleep. They insist that he return at 10:30, and he complains that they are trying to keep him a baby. Similar conflicts arise over how he wears his clothes and maintains his room, how much food he eats for breakfast, and so on. He fights constantly for independence while his parents struggle to retain their authority.

Unfortunately, neither the adolescent nor his parents usually know how much emancipation should be allowed. The parents realize that he should achieve complete independence at about the age of twenty-one, but they may not be sure how much of it to permit at sixteen. A great deal of confusion and inconsistency results. A boy is told in one instance that he is not old enough to take an overnight trip with classmates, yet too old to expect his mother to help him keep his room neat. His parents urge him to develop confidence in his own opinions and not to be swayed by others without good reason. Yet they are dismayed when he stands by his convictions and refuses to agree with them on some important matter. On the other hand, he acts as though any parental controls over his conduct are no longer necessary. Yet he is uncertain of his ability to control himself. And he feels let down when, for instance, he stays out later at night than he should and his parents do not reprimand him.

Emotional needs of adolescents. A wise teacher once observed that the best aid a parent can have in training a teen-ager is a good memory. He meant that if you can recall your own doubts and indecisions, your striving for independence, your rebellion because your parents would not give you the emancipation you sought, and above all, the stresses, strains and temptations of your own teen years, you will be able to deal much more sympathetically with your youngster. Some parents are guilty of precisely what their children accuse them of--they have forgotten that they too were once young, inexperienced and troubled by secret fears of inadequacy and failure. If you recall your own adolescent problems, you will more readily give your child four basic helps he needs at this critical time.

First, he needs your love. He must know that you have a full, unqualified interest in his welfare and a confidence in his worth as a human being. The need for this love has been well expressed by Father Robert Claude, S.J., in his excellent booklet, '"The Training of the Adolescent." Father Claude states:

An atmosphere of affection and understanding is absolutely indispensable in the training of the adolescent.

Adolescence is as a flower that is opening upon life, a flower that needs the sun of love for its full blooming. All training, of course, must be accompanied by kindness, for more flies are caught with honey than with vinegar. And this is particularly true of the age at which a young person first becomes conscious of love and realizes for the first time the importance of this emotion.

Besides, in the solitude with which he surrounds himself, the adolescent is more than ever eager for the solace of affection. Affection will encourage him to give you his confidence, and without that no true training is possible. The adolescent who is taken to task in a matter of discipline is on the watch for the least kind word, the smallest sign of sympathy, to apologize and admit his fault. However, if he feels that he stands before an indifferent tyrant who thinks only of strict discipline, he freezes into an attitude of obstinate revolt.

Be patient, devoted, affable, and that with a gentle smile.

The love you must show has to be founded on understanding and esteem. Esteem: Never forget that you have before you a being who is about to enter on the most serious part of his life, a being whose eternal salvation perhaps is at stake. Esteem him for the magnificent gift of life that God has given him.

Understanding: Always give your child the impression that you understand him or at least that you are trying to understand him. Nothing is more effective in making the adolescent retire into his shell than the impression that he is not understood. He believes that he is interesting, he has a high idea of his own worth, and yet his parents continue to treat him as a child; they seem to be unaware of the harvest that is preparing. Sometimes they make fun of him, or simply smile. How often has that smile, the all-too-frequent recourse of his elders, been the inspiration for secret revolt; how many young hearts has it wounded and even closed irrevocably to all beneficial influence from authority!

Secondly, he needs your encouragement. Despite the air of supreme knowledge which young persons affect, they often inwardly doubt their ability to handle the problems which they expect to face as adults. In fact, psychiatrists and psychologists state that the greater the arrogance, usually the greater the fear of inadequacy that lies beneath the surface. Thus the typical juvenile delinquent--the insolent youth who puts up such a bold front before the world--is actually beset by deep-seated feelings of inferiority which he tries to hide by his swagger.

Adolescents often worry excessively about their sexual development. They may fear that they will not be able to function effectively as a male or female. Many fear that they will not be attractive to the other sex; a physical condition--enlarged features, skin blemishes, being taller or shorter, stouter or slimmer than the average--may contribute to this feeling. Many fear that they will become unpopular with members of their own sex; they want to do what everyone else does and they will resist parents' efforts to make them different in any important respect.

To help your child achieve the feeling of personal worth he needs for his development, find ways to praise progress he has made. Look for examples of adult conduct and compliment him for them. In this way, you will encourage him to continue moving toward independence. For example, compliment him if he goes to his books at night without your urging. Especially seek occasions to praise him for spiritual, intellectual and emotional growth. The teen-ager who voluntarily decides to refrain from dessert as a sacrifice during Lent evidences admirable self-control which, in fact, some adults do not possess. If you engage in an intellectual discussion with him, look for signs indicating a growth of his reasoning powers and willingly admit it when he scores a good point. Many a parent wins an argument of no great importance to the family, and in doing so helps to weaken his child's confidence in his own thinking processes. Adolescents often are idealistic and have strong instincts for the underprivileged. Seek occasions to compliment your boy or girl on this virtue, and point out the great opportunities which exist to serve mankind in a selfless way.

Thirdly, your child needs responsibility. In this area, perhaps more than in any other, the typical mother fails. She knows that her child must ultimately maintain his own room, clothe himself, appear cleanly dressed before the public and with clean face and hands, wear rubbers when it rains and a topcoat in cold weather. Yet long after he should be doing such things for himself, she is either doing them for him or constantly reminding him to do them. He has no reason or opportunity to develop responsibility for himself. Such mothers deny that they prevent their child from achieving independence; they argue that they merely keep him from making mistakes. They overlook the fundamental point that most of us learn only from our mistakes--and that when we have to accept responsibility for them, we soon correct our errors. Mistakes are the steppingstones to independence; if you would help your child, you must view with sympathy his fumbling efforts in that direction.

The boy who is personally responsible for how he looks at school may appear for a few days with hair uncombed, shoes unshined, and shirt grimy with dirt. Let him spend a few hours in detention, or suffer the sneers of classmates, and he will soon make certain that his appearance is more acceptable. In one home, a mother habitually pleaded with her son to arise early enough each morning so that he might eat a nourishing breakfast and arrive at high school before the first bell sounded. Each morning the lad resisted. Soon he was running from the house with toast in his mouth. One day the mother decided that thereafter he would face his own responsibilities. The next morning the boy left home with clothes barely pulled on, without breakfast, and with no chance of reaching class in time. After a week, however, he realized that he was an object of scorn because of his sloppy appearance; that as a result of his failure to eat a good breakfast, he had headaches all day; and that two hours spent in detention after school for being late was not worth twenty minutes of extra sleep in the morning. Forced to accept the responsibility--and consequences--for his own actions, the boy soon developed an adult attitude. Thus he completed another step in the process of growing up.

Finally, your child needs direction. Some parents of adolescents find this fact difficult to believe. Teen-agers often seem to resist all of their parents' efforts to direct their actions, but their desire for direction exists, nevertheless. Probably no adolescent is unhappier than one who knows that he has no parental check over his conduct.

Educators of high school boys and girls attest to their need for guidance. In discussions among themselves, youngsters frankly admit that they lack the will power, the experience and the judgment to be provided with a free rein. Not long ago, a news commentator appeared before a group of high school students to discuss current events. He probably thought that he would strike a popular note if he deplored the "censoring" of reading matter offered for young people. In his view, high school students should have free access to everything published and they alone should judge whether or not the material was morally harmful. The speaker ended his talk and immediately discovered that he had erred seriously. Far from striking a responsive note, he had set the youngsters against him. For they vigorously affirmed that they wanted and needed adult supervision of their reading matter because they lacked the maturity to choose wisely by themselves.

Another evidence of adolescents' willingness to accept direction is the enthusiasm with which "teen-age codes" are followed in communities where they are adopted. These codes are usually devised by committees of student leaders, sometimes in consultation with parents, and thus represent the views of responsible young people.

A typical code of social behavior, adopted in Rye, New York, is a model of good judgment. It opposes open-house parties which i tend to get out of hand, and advocates only parties to which specific persons are invited. It emphasizes that one adult must be present at all teen-age parties. Parties should end at specified times--at 10 P.M. for seventh graders, 10:30 P.M. for eighth graders, 11 P.M. for high school freshmen, midnight for sophomores, 12:30 A.M. for juniors. Youngsters should always tell their parents where they are going and should know where their parents can be reached at night in an emergency. A girl should always tell her escort when she must return home and he should comply.

Another code, devised by the St. Louis Archdiocesan Councils of Catholic Men and Women, was adopted enthusiastically by teen-agers in that locality. This code, similar to the one formulated at Rye, also bans dates at drive-in theaters, alcoholic beverages at teen-age parties, and steady dating unless there is a possibility of marriage within a short time. A comment by a St. Louis youth reveals the true desire of youngsters for firm rules showing how far they may reasonably go. "More than anything else, the code eliminates confusion," he commented. "How late a person should stay out, what he should and shouldn't do--the code settles those questions for us and our parents. Now all we do is to refer to the book."

This desire for direction is evident in the workings of high school student governments. When youngsters know the rules and the penalties for violating them, they have a true feeling of freedom. They know exactly how far they can go and they expect to be brought back into line if they cannot control their conduct.

In their response to codes of conduct, and their willingness to be governed by rules, adolescents deliver a message which parents should heed. If your teen-ager knows what is expected of him and your demands are reasonable, and if you make it plain that he will be deprived of privileges or punished in other ways for violations, you should achieve highly successful results.

Practical problems of adolescents. It is easier to state a principle than to apply it. Many parents know all the answers provided in books, yet seem unable to achieve satisfactory results in training their adolescents. What is wrong? A review of problems recounted by mothers and fathers reveals several recurring and fundamental causes.

The first is the unwillingness or inability of parents to recognize that there is some truth in teen-agers' assertions that conditions have changed. As we noted earlier, the modern youngster faces a greater variety of pressures, all applied with a greater intensity, than modern adults were exposed to. The modern parent probably is shocked to think that a fifteen-year-old boy attends movies at night unescorted and is on the city's streets at 11 P.M., or that the high school girl of seventeen smokes cigarettes while doing her homework. Such incidents, almost unthought of twenty-five years ago, are commonplace today. A generation ago, parents could instruct their fifteen-year-old boy to be home at 9:30 P.M., and could forbid their daughter to smoke until she reached twenty-one, if at all. The modern parent who sets up rules based on his own experience and contrary to the common custom, can expect to encounter resistance.

A second area of difficulty stems from parents' unwillingness to give responsibility. They sometimes overlook the fact that youngsters have the same human failings to which adults are prone. This is evident in the frequent complaint, "My son won't take responsibility." What the complaining parent overlooks is that the son--like his father and most other human beings--will not assume a burden if it is unnecessary for him to do so. Like the rest of us, he is inclined to laziness. But if you give him the responsibility and make it plain that it is his to succeed with, or to fail, you will discover that he is capable of carrying heavier burdens than you imagined.

One sees vivid proof of this fact when the family is suddenly deprived of the father or mother. The youngsters pitch in and do work that would have been considered impossible for them before the emergency arose. In one home with five children, the mother became seriously ill and was required to spend several months in a sanitarium. The father could not afford a housekeeper and distributed many of the housekeeping chores to his two daughters--one fifteen and the other thirteen. When their mother was home, the girls had seemed to lack every shred of responsibility. They had to be prodded continually even to make their own beds and keep their room neat. They resisted all efforts to get them to help wash the evening dishes and to keep the main rooms clean. They knew that if they did not do this work, their mother would do it ultimately.

With the mother hospitalized, however, they realized that they would have to do the work--or it would not get done. Now that they could not avoid the responsibility, the change in their attitude was striking. They performed their tasks with enthusiasm and vied with each other in preparing tasty meals for the family. The house was as neat as it had ever been.

When the mother returned, however, it soon became obvious that she would do any work that her daughters neglected. And so they too soon reverted to their former ways. Many parents who have found "seven-day wonders" in their homes when emergencies arose, can recognize the importance of thrusting responsibility upon youngsters.

This principle--that parents must give responsibility if they wish adolescents to take it--is often strikingly evident in the way that youngsters respond to school assignments. As we have noted, a high school student should be mature enough to carry out his homework assignments without prodding from his parents. If they must correct his work every night, they probably have not instilled proper study habits- -and a sense of personal responsibility--during his formative years in elementary school. If you canvass parents of students in the upper quarter of their class, you will probably be unable to find one who finds it constantly necessary to prod his child to study. The reason is that the good student has been forced to accept personal responsibility for his work.

Parents of an irresponsible student find themselves squeezed by pressures. They realize that he will lose an important advantage in his adult years if he fails to obtain a college education or, at the very least, a high school diploma. On the other hand, they note his apparent unconcern over his lack of scholastic achievement. What should they do?

They may try to nag him to scholastic success, but whether this procedure ever works is doubtful. Instead, they should make certain that he is fully aware of the disservice he does to himself by neglecting his opportunities for education, and they should remove any conditions standing in the way of his achievement. Does he seriously worry over his health or that of other members of the family? Is there a tense or troubled family atmosphere which makes study difficult? Does he have too easy access to distractions like television, radio or phonograph, or reading matter not related to school work? Does he lack a suitable, quiet place for study? You should change this and similar home conditions which may be responsible for poor schoolwork. You should make certain, after talks with the school principal or teachers, that there are no difficulties of a psychological nature in his relations with the school itself. Then you should put responsibility for scholastic achievement directly upon your youngster--and let him know it.

Adolescents also must be taught to accept responsibility for their spiritual welfare. You must keep a vigilant eye over your youngster's conduct, of course, but it is also wise to extend the area of his personal responsibility in spiritual matters, so that as an adult he will not need others to tell him when to perform his religious duties. When he reaches his mid-teens, for example, he should be fully responsible for all of his basic religious obligations--attending Mass on Sundays and holy days, observing the laws of fast and abstinence, saying morning and night prayers, obeying regulations covering the sacraments, etc.

While you must correct him if he does not faithfully perform his duties, it is usually more desirable to operate on the assumption that he will meet his responsibilities. The parents in one suburban home developed a habit of attending the last Mass on Sunday. Their eighteen- year-old daughter rode the two miles to church with them. But each Sunday she slept later and later, resisting her mother's efforts to awaken her, until the parents themselves were reaching Mass late because they waited for her. Finally, one Sunday, the father told his daughter that if she was not ready at a specified time thereafter, the parents would leave without her; if she missed Mass, the sin would be hers alone. The first Sunday that this procedure was followed, she refused to arise in time. The parents kept their word and went to church without her. She arrived in a state of disarray while the priest was delivering his sermon. The parents were naturally embarrassed but determined to hold their line. It took a few more weeks for the girl to realize that attendance at Mass was her entire responsibility. And once she learned that lesson she was ready to leave with her parents every Sunday.

When you give responsibility, you must reconcile yourself to the thought that your youngsters will make many mistakes. Some, like that of the girl arriving late at Mass, may prove embarrassing. Some, like that of the high school student who spends his entire allowance on entertainment and is forced to eat peanuts for lunch all week, may be foolhardy or stupid. Other steps toward independence, such as your child taking work in an office where he will be exposed to unknown influences over which you have no control, may involve a possibility of danger. But all of these risks are necessary. We all learn by making mistakes. Only by actual experience can most human beings acquire the confidence to assume greater responsibility. The parent who says, "I don't want my son to make the mistakes I did," may truly wish to protect his youngster from harm. But in quarantining him from mistakes of any kind he may also be stunting the growth of a personality.

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 14: PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

IF YOUR child chooses marriage as his state in life, his mate will exert a tremendous effect upon both his eternal and his earthly happiness. In fact, your son's relationship with his wife and your daughter's relationship with her husband may be the decisive ones of their lives. And while parents today probably have less to say about whom their children marry than at any time in world history, you can do much to make your child's relationship a wholesome one.

Even before his first date with a girl, your son will develop a full set of impressions about the opposite sex. He will form attitudes from his experiences with his mother and sisters; from watching his father's treatment of women; and from many other sources. He may regard women as drudges, placed on earth merely to cater to the superior male. He may regard them as creatures whom men can never fully understand, and who should be tolerated at best. He may consider them to be God's fairest flowers, made to be treated with the utmost care, whose every whim must be satisfied. Regardless of what he thinks, his impressions will probably come from the experiences of his home. Your daughter also will regard the boys she meets in the light of her home experiences with her father and brothers. Whether she dominates or is dominated, whether she strives to appeal to males on the basis of her physical attraction, her intellect or her personality--these too will depend upon what she has learned about them in her own home.

As it does in so many other areas of life, your influence will exert a profound effect upon your child's attitudes concerning dating, courtship and marriage. The man who wrote the popular old song with the line, "I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad," revealed a remarkable insight into psychology, for every boy seeks in a girl those qualities he has known in his mother, and every girl seeks those qualities she has seen manifested in her father. This psychological fact helps to explain why happy marriage tend to go on from generation to generation, for statistics prove that a young person from a happy home has a better chance of entering a happy marriage than if his parents were divorced or separated. There is likewise a continuity of unhappy marriages: children of divorce are more likely to enter unions which will end unsatisfactorily. Therefore, although modern custom decrees that you should not interfere in your child's choice of a marriage partner, your influence over the selection, while subtle, will be significant indeed.

Not only by your example, but also by your teaching, you can vitally affect your child's attitudes toward the other sex, and toward dating, courtship and marriage generally--and all of these attitudes will, of course, affect his selection of a partner and his happiness in marriage itself. Some specific ways in which you can do this are described below.

Parties and dances. Many parents push their children into social activities before the youngsters themselves are interested. In the suburbs, one can observe mothers requiring their nine- and ten-year-old boys to study dancing and to attend parties with girls, when the boys themselves actually abhor the company of the other sex. Such parents wish their children to acquire social graces so that they will learn to feel at ease in mixed company. But the parents are like horticulturists who use artificial light or heat to force a plant to bloom before its normal time; the plant spends its blossoms before those which develop naturally are in bloom. Children who associate socially with the other sex at a prematurely early age tend to become engaged and to marry at a younger age than the average. So it is probably that they do not get to know more about the opposite sex; instead, they simply learn at an earlier age.

What is the right age for boys and girls to attend parties and dances? While parents must bow to some extent to the prevailing customs in their parish, normal children usually do not feel deprived if their social life does not start until they reach high school.

All parties and dances should be chaperoned. Adults need not be present in the room where the party takes place, but they should remain in the house where they can be inconspicuously alert to what is going on. Before a party begins, the boys and girls should be told that it will end precisely at a specified hour. A girl's parents should tell her escort what time they wish her to be home and he should accept the responsibility of obeying their instructions. In the chapter on teen- agers, there is described a typical teen-age code which specifies hours at which parties should end for various age groups.

Parents who sponsor parties for their youngsters should plan enough activities so that the guests will not become bored and resort to kissing games or other pastimes to create excitement. There should be an ample supply of records, suitable parlor game materials, and other diversions.

Cautions on dating. In our society, many boys and girls of high school age go out together on dates. Such occasional dating generally does not harm the moral or psychological development of the youngster. However, several important cautions should be observed.

When your youngsters begin to date, stress the importance of avoiding the kinds of dancing, kissing, and other contacts which might stimulate sexual desire and thus constitute an occasion of sin. In impressing their teen-agers with the fact that God has reserved intercourse for the married, many parents effectively cite other acts which are restricted only to those who may legitimately perform them. For example, although a seminarian learns how to say Mass and administer sacraments, he may not use his knowledge in a practical way until he is ordained. A medical student who has passed all his courses may not legitimately practice medicine until he has been officially licensed.

The most effective deterrent to premarital intercourse is a fear of God and a desire to enter marriage without profaning the organs He has provided for the sacred act of procreation. Other useful deterrents, in a secondary way, are appeals to chastity based on worldly reasons. For example, marriage counselors have found that young men and women who marry without having violated their chastity have a better chance of succeeding in marriage, because they have acquired the self-control which all husbands and wives must practice on many occasions. On the other hand, the young woman who has engaged in premarital relations often retains a sense of shame all her life.

Venereal disease often results from intercourse outside of marriage, and while new drugs have proved useful in treating syphilis and gonorrhea, these scourges are prevalent to a far greater extent than most people realize. In fact, venereal disease rates among teen-agers have shown a steady and shocking rise over the past several years. You should make your youngsters aware that such a loathsome disease may result from sinful intercourse. Girls should also be told of the stigma which attaches to unmarried mothers in the eyes of society. But do not make this point so forcefully that your daughter may come to consider the act of marriage itself, when indulged in lawfully, as a possible source of sin or shame.

Adolescents also have sufficient reasoning power to appreciate that children who might result from sex outside of marriage would lack mature parents to care for them. The thought that an innocent child might suffer all his life because a boy or girl lacks sufficient self- discipline to refrain from intercourse, is one which youngsters can use to strengthen their own will.

When boys and girls begin to date, mere warnings about moral and social dangers may not be sufficient. You should provide safeguards to eliminate or remove possible occasions of sin. Parents sometimes believe that youngsters who have received adequate instruction can always be depended upon to obey the moral law. Unfortunately, young men and women sometimes are completely unprepared for the powerful urge for sex fulfillment within them and are swept into sin from what they may think are innocent beginnings.

Older cultures, wise in the power of the sexual urge, adopted the custom of the chaperon--the adult who always accompanies young people on their dates. Modern usage has rendered the idea of the chaperon distasteful, but a need for supervision exists nevertheless. Try to prevent situations which enable a boy and girl to be alone together for any length of time. They should go out in groups, should not sit alone in parked cars, and should never be left alone together at home. Sometimes a girl who is baby-sitting seeks to invite a boy to visit her; such a practice should be strictly prohibited by both her parents and the couple who hire her.

Another important rule is that there should be no drinking of alcoholic beverages on any date. A generation ago, young Catholic men and women often took a pledge to abstain from alcohol until their twenty-first birthdays. Such a custom if practiced today would save many souls, help avoid many sins and prevent much heartbreak.

Many youngsters drink on dates because they think it is smart. They are unaware of the tremendous damage that drinking can do. At the very least, it provides a stimulation which they do not need; if they need alcohol to enjoy each other's company during their youth, one shudders to think what they will find necessary in middle age. It is physically dangerous, especially when a car is used. Accident statistics confirm that most fatal accidents at night involve drivers who have been drinking. Finally, and most dangerously, it deadens the conscience and releases inhibitions. The boy and girl who drink on dates lose control over their wills and may fall more easily before the impulse to passion which constantly lurks beneath the surface.

The importance of modesty in dress. When your son and daughter begin to date, they will almost certainly be exposed to influences which encourage immodest dress. Such influences are almost unavoidable in today's world. Actresses on television and in motion pictures appear in garments designed to reveal every contour of their bodies. Newspapers publish pictures of semi-clad women and discuss them in admiring language. On the beaches and athletic grounds, contestants almost invariably wear a minimum of apparel.

When the young girl observes that the scantily clad woman seemingly evokes the greatest admiration, it is perhaps natural for her to want to dress in a similarly daring way. She should be taught the truth that men do not want their own loved ones to appear in public in this fashion. Moreover, the immodestly dressed girl who attracts the attention of males usually soon discovers that their interest is entirely selfish and that they lack respect for her as a person. It is the girl who dresses and acts becomingly, and who is attractive in a pleasant and unoffensive way, who wins lasting respect and affection. Your daughter will form a true judgment as to where the lasting values lie if she realizes that the so-called "glamour girls"--those who appear in public in revealing costumes--usually are failures as women. Their record of divorces proves this fact.

Many girls also must be told that their daring dress might be an occasion of sin to boys. They should know that boys naturally are more excitable, and may harbor sinful thoughts at the sight of an improperly dressed girl. This point is discussed in greater detail in Chapter 6.

Boys also can commit offenses against modesty in dress. A present fashion among adolescents--the practice of wearing trousers that are too tight and emphasize the contours of the body--may be an occasion of evil thoughts by girls.

Does the Church's continued warnings against immodest dress mean that she expects men and women to dress somberly and without attractiveness? Not at all. For as Monsignor Lawrence B. Casey has pointed out, "the magazine "Vogue" is not on the index of forbidden books."

A young girl need not walk about with stringy hair, a plain, pale face, or in the clothing of a widow; she can make herself attractive, using appropriate cosmetic aids and colorful fabrics. Above all, if she has a smiling, friendly disposition, it will be reflected in her appearance, and will make her more attractive than any product from the beautician's laboratory.

For modern dress, these standards may be a helpful guide: Dresses should fully cover the upper arm, shoulders, bust, chest and midriff. They should have sleeves extending at least halfway between the shoulder and elbow. If they have leaves, nets, or other transparent material, there should be full cloth coverage beneath. Skirts should extend to below the knees, and dresses should conceal the outline of the breasts and other parts of the body.

Going steady. One of the most disturbing trends of postwar America is the sharp lowering of the age at which boys and girls pair off and begin to go steady. This phenomenon has been observed by educators and social scientists throughout the country. For instance, the idea of a boy in the seventh grade in elementary school taking the same girl to a movie each week, and returning home at 11 P.M. each time, has become commonplace in many sections. Many high school freshmen and sophomores date steadily, which means that they do not feel free to attend any social events without their "partner." And many juniors and seniors are virtually, if not actually, engaged; at the age of sixteen or seventeen, they have apparently already chosen their life mates.

The Church has always maintained that a male and female should not deliberately confine their companionship to a single member of the opposite sex--to go steady, in today's language--unless they are prepared to marry within the very near future. This means that a young man and woman should not begin to keep company if they will not be reasonably able to marry and maintain a home within about two years. Obviously, in our society which requires extensive schooling to fulfill the normal responsibilities of men and women, the boy and girl of high school age cannot hope to marry successfully within any such period of time.

Some parents of teen-agers apparently find it difficult to understand why priests object so firmly to early dating and going steady. The fact is that from their vast experience, priests know that early dating often leads to serious sins of impurity, teen-age pregnancies and illegitimate births, and to teen-age marriages which have scant hope of success.

Scores of researchers who have interviewed teen-agers who go steady report that such youngsters increasingly believe that they are entitled to take sinful liberties with their boy friends or girl friends. For example, Eugene Gilbert, a specialist in studying the habits and opinions of adolescents, made a survey of 5,000 high school students for "This Week" magazine. He asked the pupils how far they thought a boy and girl who went steady could go in intimate contact with each other. Only one teen-ager in ten thought that such a couple should do no more than kiss. Another one in ten thought that "light necking" should be permitted, while two in ten thought that petting would be allowable. The most shocking fact was that six teen-agers in ten thought that the boy and girl who went steady should be permitted to engage in "anything they want." In a newspaper poll, fifty teen-age girls were asked if they petted on dates. Thirty-six replied in the affirmative, most of them adding that "everyone else does."

The consequences of such beliefs are what one might expect. In November 1958, the "Ladies Home Journal" quoted a high school educator as saying, "many of our high school girls get married because they have to get married, and an equal number of girls in school get pregnant every year but don't get married--they just disappear for a semester and then come back without any baby. Another high school principal reported. "We had so many marriages this last year that I can't even keep track of them. Students start going steady when they're thirteen and during high school most of the girls are wearing a boy's ring on a necklace. If they aren't officially engaged by the end of their senior year, they think their life's ruined."

Largely as a result of the growing practice of going steady in the teen years, the average age at which Americans marry has become lower and lower. In 1900, the average American bride was twenty-two; in 1957, she was twenty, and one bride in three was nineteen or younger. About 300,000 boys and girls under eighteen in the United States are now married. With rare exceptions, those who enter such early marriages are ill-equipped emotionally and intellectually to accept the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood; usually the bride soon runs home to her mother and the bridegroom runs home to his. If there are children, the likelihood that the father will desert his family to evade the responsibilities is greater than in any other age group.

In a significant study made by Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College, it was found that more than half of all broken marriages occurred when the couples were in a hurry. They started going together when they were too young, they were too impetuous to investigate the qualities of their prospective mates, or they married at an earlier age than the average.

Parents who permit--or worse, encourage--their teen-agers to go steady allow them to be harmed in many other ways. Few young men realize how terribly their whole future as a bread-winner and provider is being affected by a serious romantic attachment at an early age. By going steady, a boy and girl lose the common enjoyment of adolescence of doing things with a crowd. Through being tied down continually by one person, a youngster loses the opportunity to meet others of the opposite sex and to learn how to be congenial with them. Going steady also tends to discourage the development of gracious, pleasant habits. The boy and girl usually take each other for granted, and do not feel that they need extend themselves, make sacrifices or practice their best behavior in each other's company. Some girls prefer going steady so that they always will have an escort at social affairs. But when a teen-age girl places such a premium upon security, she becomes completely dependent upon her boy friend. It is not unlikely that he will recognize his position of superiority and demand that she "give in to him" lest he form an attachment elsewhere.

Kinds of men and women to avoid. Researchers have devoted much time to studies of thousands of marriage failures, and their findings confirm the observations and experiences of priests and other authorities that certain types of men and women are extremely bad risks in marriage. Young Catholic men and women endanger not only their chances for earthly happiness but also the salvation of their souls by associating with such types, with marriage as an immediate or remote prospect. These types are:

1. Persons who are now married. Of course, Catholics may not wed anyone now validly married in the eyes of the Church, for a valid marriage is for life. However, occasionally doubt exists as to whether a marriage is valid, and the man or woman involved may hope to contract a valid union when the previous one is annulled. In the vast majority of cases, such hopes are unrealistic, for of every hundred annulments that are sought, only about two are granted. Moreover, annulment cases often take years to decide. Often, when an annulment is denied, the person who sought it unsuccessfully resorts to marriage outside the Church-- and if your child is his partner, the two together may lose their souls.

2. Non-Catholics and indifferent Catholics. The hazards of mixed marriages are becoming so great in this country that the entire next chapter is devoted to the problem. But simply because a prospective husband or wife professes to be a Catholic is no guarantee that he or she is a good marital risk. You should tell your son or daughter to avoid those who are Catholics in name only, who adopt a disrespectful tone toward their religion, who scorn the virtues of chastity and modesty, and who indicate a desire to practice birth control. Such persons will threaten the spiritual growth of their mates. And, as we have seen, the lack of a strong religious sense characterizes those homes that are beset by tension in many other areas of activity.

You should also advise your son or daughter to beware of the following types: the man or woman who drinks or gambles to excess (those habits usually grow rather than decrease after marriage, and if they are not stopped at courtship the chance that they will ever be curbed is remote); the man or woman who is overly ambitious and determined to achieve a higher social position regardless of its cost (such persons may throw over all worth-while ideals and emotional values in their passion for success); and the man or woman with a hardness of character (if he or she lacks a spirit of compromise and of charity and kindness toward others, beware!).

3. The emotionally immature and those who show no willingness to accept responsibility. One wise priest, after observing thousands of marriages, remarked that he can see hope for any type of troubled union save one--and that is the one in which the husband or wife refuses to accept the responsibilities of the marriage state. The girl who has had everything done for her and who--through her physical beauty--has discovered that she may need neither brains nor a pleasant personality to attract men, is typically the type who whines over the difficulties of childbearing, child-rearing and the normal tasks of running a home. Likewise, the man who moves from job to job every few months and who habitually seeks help from his doting mother and father whenever he gets into debt, is a type seen often in the divorce courts--or sought throughout the country for having deserted his family in their time of need.

Impediments to valid marriages. In rare cases, impediments exist which make a valid marriage impossible. The most common impediments today are insufficient age (to be validly married, a male must have completed his sixteenth year and a female her fourteenth); consanguinity (persons closely related by blood--for example, first and second cousins); spiritual relationship (a godparent cannot marry his godchild, nor can the person who baptizes marry the one baptized); impotence (a marriage is invalid if, at the time of the ceremony, one of the parties was permanently incapable of performing the sexual act); and want of the use of reason (for instance, one who is insane, drunk, drugged or hypnotized is incapable of marrying, since free will is lacking at the time the ceremony is performed). Occasionally, and for good reasons, the Pope may dispense from certain impediments.

Qualities to seek in a mate. Encourage your offspring to consider carefully the qualities a person needs to perform the responsibilities of marriage properly. Any serious thought will convince the normal intelligent youngster that many of the popular standards for choosing a mate lack intrinsic merit. For instance, contrary to what movie and television plays suggest, the ideal husband is not the wisecracking playboy who is tall, handsome and a smooth dancer. Nor is the ideal wife necessarily the one with the most beautiful face and most curvaceous figure. The fact is that the husband or wife who contributes most to the happiness of a marriage need not have physical beauty at all. While it is true that a man and woman should feel physically attracted toward each other, the qualities that produce a lasting, loving relationship are those of the soul and heart rather than of the body.

If you would have your children make a good choice in marriage, encourage them to look for a sense of unselfishness in their prospective partner--a willingness to deny self, if need be, in order to serve others. Encourage them to look for a deep and abiding religious sense, for trust in Almighty God will enable them--and their partners--to surmount the difficulties, trials and disappointments which will inevitably come their way. The ideal marriage partner is courteous, kind and considerate; he is mature enough to recognize and accept responsibilities without complaining; realistic enough to know that compromises are necessary to make any marriage succeed, and humble enough to know that he must make his share.

Young men and women of earlier generations had an advantage over modern youngsters because they usually could observe their prospective partners in everyday work situations. Because the average man worked near his home, and generally married a woman who also lived nearby, she often could see how he went about his everyday job, accepted responsibilities and behaved when confronted by the serious functions of living--how, in brief, he acted in a role like the one he would play as a husband. And since the unmarried woman of an earlier day worked about the house caring for the younger children and doing similar home- making tasks, her prospective husband could observe how she might act as a wife.

Today, however, young men and women know each other almost solely as recreational partners. They attend movies or dances on dates, and their major interest is having good times together. But the woman who chooses a husband solely on the way he acts on dates may face a lifetime of disappointments. The "Good-time Charlie" of courtship days may remain that way after marriage, and the wife who needs his wages to pay for the baby's milk may discover that he has spent them having fun. Likewise, "Midnight Mary," who is always the last one to leave the party, may not seem quite so glamorous to her husband when he must make the children's breakfast because she is too tired to do so.

The serious purposes of courtship. Instead of being a time for heedless pleasure, courtship should be one of the most serious periods in life. It should be a time of discovery, employed to gain insights into the personality of the prospective mate. Now is the time when the girl should learn whether her prospective husband is closely tied to a mother's apron strings or is so wrapped up in himself that his ego must be fed constantly.

The prospective husband and wife should seriously discuss their attitudes toward parenthood. As we noted in Chapter 2, those marriages are happiest in which husband and wife are united in their interest in the home, and it has been demonstrated in many different ways that the man and woman who desire children generally make the best partners. Other discussions should center around each person's conception of his or her future role. These discussions will be most revealing; a man usually will seek in his wife those qualities which his mother possesses, and she will seek in her husband the qualities of her father. For this reason, the man and woman from similar backgrounds-- those whose parents have essentially the same attitudes toward religion and children--have the best chance of succeeding in marriage.

How long should engagements be? Ideally, a man and woman should not agree to marry unless they can do so within two years at most. This period should provide ample time for them to learn more about each other and to discuss religious values and their concepts of other phases of life. Longer engagements are inadvisable for several reasons. The man and woman may take each other for granted and some of the bloom may fall from their romance. The longer the courtship lasts, the greater is the danger of premarital intercourse or other sexual excesses. Finally, the engagement that drags on often becomes a way of life in itself. Many a spinster at thirty became engaged at twenty but made life so attractive for her fiance that he never saw the point of legalizing the relationship.

The question of "rights" often arises when two young people are engaged. The simple fact is that they have none: the marital act, together with the preliminaries normally considered to be a part of it, is reserved for marriage. As a practical matter, an engaged man and woman should intensify their chastity, rather than diminish it. They are about to enter a holy state and their regard for its sacramental nature--and the privileges of both sexual communion and of procreating children which it involves--should inspire them to retain the greatest purity in their relationship with each other.

Preparations for marriage. Let your children decide the details of their own wedding. One often meets a young bride who would prefer a quiet church wedding, followed by a simple reception for relatives and close friends. But her parents are determined to make this event a showcase for their prosperity. Often they hire an expensive hall and invite scores of persons whom the bride and bridegroom will never see again. Thousands of dollars may be spent in this way, and the young couple may then be required to endure severe sacrifices to save a similar amount for a down payment on a home.

Parents should make sure, however, that all regulations of the Church are complied with. The prospective bride and groom should visit the bride's pastor to make arrangements as soon as the engagement is effective. Church law states that the ceremony should be performed in the Church of the bride and that a priest and two other witnesses are normally required to make it valid. When the prospective bride and the bridegroom are Catholics, the banns of marriage must be proclaimed in the churches of both on three successive Sundays, so that anyone knowing a reason why they should not be permitted to marry may make his objection known. For good reasons, these rules may be suspended.

Catholics should be married at a nuptial Mass, which can be celebrated at any time of the year. However, the solemn nuptial blessing cannot be given during Advent or Lent.

After your son or daughter becomes engaged, firmly encourage him or her to attend a Pre-Cana Conference. Pre-Cana is the most immediate preparation for marriage which the Church has to offer. Its purpose is to impart to the couple those attitudes and points of information which are crucial to the successful launching of a Christian marriage. Priests, medical doctors, and married couples put themselves at the disposal of the young unmarried tyros.

Within months of the marriage the engaged man and woman are brought face to face with the realities of family life. Parenthood, the roles of husband and wife, the sex differences of the couples, even such ordinary experiences as paying the bills, are discussed frankly and wisely from a variety of view points. And because the couples themselves participate by their own questions and answers, many initial doubts and troubles that plague young marriages are eliminated before they can cause harm.

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 15: HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

IT IS well known that the Church firmly opposes marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. Her opposition is based not so much on practical considerations as it is on principle. Christian marriage is the sacred union of two people called by God to assist Jesus Christ in the work of the redemption. And the mixed marriage, no matter how successful it may occasionally be socially or psychologically, can never be a perfect sacramental union. Lacking a common divine faith, the couple will always be found wanting as a worshipping and redemptive unit of the Church. How can they teach, rule and sanctify each other and their children in Christ's name when one of the parties is not committed to the fullness of the Christian gospel? How can they build up the Mystical Body of Christ--and be channels of grace to each other- -when the non-Catholic does not comprehend the mystery of sacramental marriage? How can the mixed marriage signify the union of Christ and the Church and be characterized by total dedication to supernatural purposes and complete Christlike self-sacrifice when there can never be agreement on the goals of marriage, even on its nature?

In the practical order human imperfections mar every marriage. Catholic marriages unfortunately are no exceptions to this rule. But the mixed marriage is something special. The very sacrament itself is radically affected by the denial of faith on one side. It can never be a perfect union of mind, heart and soul, and can never realize the supernatural potential of the sacramental Catholic union. To avoid greater evils the Church may accept less than the ideal, but never does she compromise this basic truth. And it is the hope of Mother Church that more and more of her parents will strive to see this ideal realized in their children.

Her teaching is fortified by her experience of centuries. Through almost two thousand years of her history, she has seen the results of such unions--their harmful effects upon the marriage relationship itself, the tensions between mixed couples, the loss of faith by spouses, the confusion and irreligion of children and the frequent dangers to eternal salvation resulting from them. Despite her solid principles and her constant warning, many Catholic parents appear to believe, first, that a mixed marriage for their children is neither a bad thing nor as dangerous to their happiness as priests commonly assert, and second, that the danger of contracting one is remote or magnified.

Statistics covering marriages in all parts of the United States prove otherwise. If you have three children, the mathematical chance is that one will marry a non-Catholic, either validly or invalidly. If you live where Catholics are a small minority, the danger may be even more acute. In some parts of the South, four out of every five marriages performed in the Church are mixed.

These statistics reflect disturbing pressures which result in the marriage of more and more Catholics every year to persons outside the faith. These pressures result, ironically, from the improved living conditions of American Catholics. Not many years ago, the typical Catholic was either an immigrant or the child of immigrants. He lived in a section where similar Catholic families lived and thus had many opportunities to meet members of his own faith. Now, however, second- generation Catholics have moved into the general population stream. As likely as not, a Catholic family today finds a Jewish neighbor on one side and a Protestant neighbor on the other. Opportunities to meet members of other faiths in social and business contacts have increased tremendously, while chances to meet members of our own faith have decreased correspondingly.

Sociologists refer to the movement of Catholics into all levels of society as our "social mobility." Generally, it indicates progress: we are taking a rightful and necessary place in all areas of our country's life. But as Catholics become better educated and occupy more and more places of importance in the professional, business and civic worlds, the tendency to form friendships with non-Catholics is intensified. Obviously, we should not retreat into a shell and should take our place in society. At the same time, however, we should become conscious of the increased dangers which this social progress creates, and of the need to protect the faith of Catholic children against them. For if present trends continue, when your young children reach adulthood, their statistical chance of marrying a Catholic may be no greater than that of marrying outside the faith.

Why the Church opposes mixed marriages. Statistics compiled by the Bishops' Committee on Mixed Marriages and by other investigators establish that three out of five Catholics who are involved in a mixed marriage (including those performed outside the Church) turn away from their religion in a significant way. They stop attending Mass. Or they attend infrequently. Or if they attend regularly, they are unable to receive the sacraments because they live in a state of sin.

An even greater percentage of children born to such marriages are lost to the faith. The child's path to salvation is strewn with hazards. He may never even be baptized a Catholic. If he does receive baptism, he may grow up in a home where spiritual values of any kind do not exist, or where he is taught that "one religion is as good as another." He is less likely to attend Catholic schools than is the child whose parents are both Catholic. And when he marries, he is more likely to choose a partner of a different belief. He is, in fact, psychologically ripe for a mixed marriage: didn't his father (or mother) marry a non-Catholic, and didn't that marriage turn out well?

In view of the Church's primary concern with saving souls, she cannot remain indifferent to the spiritual loss resulting from interfaith unions. But even if the all-important consideration of your child's salvation were not involved, as a conscientious parent you would still have the responsibility of opposing mixed marriages for earthly reasons.

For instance, such unions are more likely to break up in divorce, separation or desertion than those in which both partners profess the same faith. One study shows that the rate of divorce and separation is about three times higher in Catholic-Protestant marriages than in those without religious differences. Even when religious difficulties seemingly have been resolved, numerous students of marriage have found that latent tension remains beneath the surface. This often reflects itself in disputes over other matters--the training of children or the observance of religious feasts like Christmas and Easter, for example-- and in similar ways.

In their textbook "Building a Successful Marriage," sociologists Judson T. and Mary G. Landis stress that an important characteristic of most happy marriages is the similarity in the partners' backgrounds and interests. In dozens of vital areas, the basic beliefs instilled in a non-Catholic home differ substantially from those of the Catholic. The non-Catholic often has different beliefs about divorce, birth control, and the ideal conditions in which to educate his children. He may even differ about the omnipotence of God, the divinity of Christ, the importance of the sacraments, and the existence of heaven and hell.

Your religious beliefs touch the very roots of your being. You cannot disagree about such basic matters as why you have been placed on earth, where you will go after death and how you should live your life without affecting the basic fabric of your marriage. Thus Catholic and non- Catholic partners who resolve not to let religious differences interfere with their happiness often find that the gap between them is too great to be bridged. If there are no outward disagreements, at the very least, there is lacking the essential ingredient for true mutual harmony--a complete understanding of and agreement with the partner's viewpoint.

Another hazard in mixed marriages is that the strain of adjusting to in-laws will probably be magnified. Despite great strides made against racial and religious prejudices in America, parents of all faiths tend to be deeply shocked when their children marry outside the fold. Even when the Catholic wife is accepted personally by her in-laws, for instance, they often bitterly complain that their son has "been forced to degrade himself" by agreeing to the rigid conditions the Church requires before validating such a marriage. Or if the Catholic party is accepted, it may be with the in-laws' silent or spoken reservation that other members of the faith are ignorant, superstitious, or lacking in some moral quality. Or even where Catholics as a body are accepted, the non-Catholic relatives may display prejudice against the Church as represented by the clergy.

The non-Catholic may receive similar treatment from relatives of the Catholic partner. As a result, two conflicting forces are set up. Even if the man and wife themselves try diligently to live in harmony, they will find that they must proceed with their in-laws with the utmost caution lest the religious animosity bubbling beneath the surface suddenly boil up to engulf them.

Finally, the children of mixed marriages will surely be subjected to greater tension than those whose parents agree on religious matters. One can see evidence of such tension in countless ways. An eight-year- old boy was taught that man was made to worship God and that one way of doing so was by attending Mass on Sundays. But his father never attended Mass. The loyal child believed in the Church's teaching, yet also found it difficult to believe that his father was offending God. He was torn between two sets of values--one taught at school and by his mother, another by his father. It was not difficult to understand why a psychologist found strong evidence of insecurity in the boy's personality.

In another family, the non-Catholic mother faithfully observed her promises to rear her children as Catholics. But her sister seemed to be engaged in constant travel between justices of the peace and the divorce courts. On the one hand, the children were taught that divorce was evil and that those who remarried after divorce committed sin; but how could they believe that their beloved aunt was dooming herself to hell? Such divisive influences make it extremely difficult to give children lasting values on which to build their lives.

A sensitive boy of twelve has a Catholic mother and a Jewish father. Sometimes he is in the company of Christians and at other times of Jews. When with Gentiles, he often hears disparaging references to Jews; and when with Jews, he hears them sneering at Catholics. In either place, this child is a stranger without roots. He now attends no church. However, he spends several hours each week with a psychiatrist.

All faiths opposed mixed marriages. In view of the natural hazards which exist in all interfaith unions, it is easy to see that the Church's opposition is neither narrow nor bigoted, as some critics allege. The fact is that religious leaders of all denominations--as well as nonsectarian experts on marriage--universally warn young people to marry within their own faith.

Because of the diversity of Protestant belief, no uniform position is adopted by their clergymen and spokesmen. However, the vast majority oppose mixed marriages and they especially warn their members against marrying a Roman Catholic. For example, the Presbyterian "Confession of Faith" warns members not to marry "with infidels, Papists, or other idolaters." In 1948, the general conventions of the Protestant Episcopal Church adopted a resolution as follows:

"Resolved, that this convention earnestly warns members of our Church against contracting marriages with Roman Catholics under conditions imposed by modern Roman Catholic common law, especially as these conditions involve a promise to have their children brought up under a religious system which they cannot themselves accept; and further, because the religious education and spiritual training of their children by word and example is a paramount duty of parents and should never be neglected nor left entirely to others, we assert that in no circumstances should a member of this Church give any understanding as a condition of marriage, that the children should be brought up in the practice of another communion."

Similar statements have been made by spokesmen for the Lutherans, Southern Baptists, Methodists, Disciples of Christ and other sects.

The Jews have struggled throughout history to preserve their religion from infiltration by outsiders. Even today, orthodox Hebrews stand unalterably opposed to marrying a Gentile, and the orthodox Jew who does so is thought to have rejected his religion and to have left the fold forever. Reformed and liberal Jews also strongly disapprove of interfaith unions.

Despite the indisputable fact that chances for happiness are considerably lessened when husband and wife profess different religions, many thousands of couples persist in undertaking such marriages every year. They prefer to overlook the unhappy marriages and to consider instead those unions which have achieved some success. It is true that some interfaith marriages work out satisfactorily for husband, wife and children. In some cases, the home which results from a mixed marriage is a model of sanctity. From such homes have even come priests, brothers and nuns, as well as respected laymen whose piety many of us with both Catholic fathers and mothers might well emulate.

These brilliant exceptions do not alter the fact, however, that the typical person entering a mixed marriage enters a life of difficulty. He may succeed in it; but he will require a greater sense of sacrifice and greater understanding, patience and love than most humans are able to give.

A young man once announced to his pastor that he planned to marry a Protestant girl. To the priest's argument that mixed marriages are filled with danger, the young man said he knew of such unions which had succeeded. The pastor then asked if the man would drive his car down a main street of the city at midday at eighty miles per hour.

The young man laughed. "Of course not, Father," he said, "I'd get killed."

The priest smiled. "Not necessarily," he said. "I know a man who did it and is still alive."

The caller got the point. He later broke off with the girl, because he realized that only extraordinary luck would enable them to contract a mixed marriage and not regret it.

Church rules on mixed marriages. From her beginnings, the Church has always insisted upon her right to protect the soul of the Catholic against all dangers to salvation that he may encounter. She has this authority because she was established by Jesus Christ as His means by which human beings can be saved. The Church's divinely ordained function therefore makes it necessary for her to prevent any conditions which hinder men from reaching the Kingdom of God. For this reason she forbids mixed marriages. Only by obtaining a dispensation from this rule may a Catholic marry outside the faith. The Church grants a dispensation only when it appears that a greater danger might result from her unwillingness to do so.

To protect the souls of the Catholic and of any future children, however, she always requires the non-Catholic spouse to promise solemnly that his partner will be completely free to practice her religion and that all their children will be educated as Catholics. The Catholic spouse must also promise to practice her religion and to educate her children in the faith.

Most non-Catholics object to these conditions. In fact, some ministers maintain that a Protestant who sincerely believes in his own religion cannot possibly sign such promises in good faith. One Protestant leaflet characterizes the antenuptial agreement as undemocratic and un- American "because it is essentially unfair."

Many Protestant writers have striven to point out exactly what these promises mean. They truthfully assert that the non-Catholic who understands them fully would lose most--if not all--of his enthusiasm for a mixed marriage. The simple fact is that the non-Catholic must sign away rights and privileges which he perhaps holds in the highest esteem. For instance, by agreeing not to interfere with his Catholic wife s practice of her religion, he must follow the moral law as regards birth control: to practice contraception would be to encourage his wife to sin. Because it may not be practical to prepare separate dinners on Friday, he may find himself involuntarily obeying Church law regarding abstinence. He must steel himself to the realization that his wife will tell her sins to a priest, pray to the Blessed Virgin and the saints, bow to the Pope's authority in matters of faith and morals, and indulge in other practices which he may have been taught from childhood represent "superstition" and "'ignorance."

Promises he must make regarding his children's upbringing have even greater implications. As a conscientious parent, he must help instruct them in doctrines which he himself believes to be false. He usually will not. Regardless of what he thinks is wrong with the Church or of his personal feelings about the sacraments, the necessity of confession and Communion, the infallibility of the Pope, or the need to abstain from meat on Friday, he is now expected to teach his own flesh and blood the very antithesis of his own convictions. He usually does not.

Moreover, as his children develop their own religious beliefs within a Catholic framework, he must watch them grow apart from him. At the sacred moments of family life--when a child is baptized, receives his First Communion, or is confirmed; during times of family tragedy, like the death of a beloved parent; during great holy days like Christmas and Easter which should be occasions of family unity--the non-Catholic parent will find himself alone. His partner and children will go to their own church to worship God in a way he does not understand.

The prenuptial promises are merely part of the bitter medicine that the non-Catholic must swallow. He must take a series of six lessons in Catholic doctrine which will give him a general understanding of his wife's religious practices. He must submit to questioning by a priest to determine whether he is free to marry in the eyes of the Church and whether he fully and unreservedly intends to observe the laws of God forbidding divorce. Finally, he must agree to be married before a priest. He cannot have a second marriage performed elsewhere.

From the forgoing it can be seen that the non-Catholic who lightheartedly signs the prenuptial promises is making a grievous error. Many lifetime tragedies would be averted if every non-Catholic could be made to realize that he must make great sacrifices if his marriage to a Catholic is to achieve any degree of happiness. It is not correct to say, however, that all mixed marriages require more of the non-Catholic. In many cases, when the solemn pledges are discarded and ignored, the Catholic must become a veritable martyr to make the marriage work. In the matter of religious instruction of her children, for example, a Catholic wife may find that she must be father and mother both and must also resist attacks upon the faith within her own household. She must try to educate her children in a Catholic atmosphere while they draw examples of a different kind from their father. She may have to perform her own religious duties without any encouragement or help. In order to keep peace within the family, she may even find herself watering down her own religious convictions.

The Catholic entering a mixed marriage often fails to understand one vital factor. It is that she is literally at the mercy of the non- Catholic in fulfilling the terms of the prenuptial agreement. The stark truth is that the promises solemnly made before marriage are worthless if the non-Catholic chooses to make them so. And many non-Catholic partners choose to do so. In their book "Marriage and the Family," Dr. Clement S. Mihanovich, Brother Gerald Schnepp, S.M., and Father John L. Thomas, S.J., cite figures indicating that the prenuptial promises are not kept in about 30 per cent of all mixed marriages. Moreover, there is no practical way to make a person keep his promises. For instance, in a recent decision the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that a Catholic could not employ the court to enforce the contract--meaning, in effect, that prenuptial pledges are valid only so long as the non-Catholic partner cares to fulfill them.

Another point which the prospective Catholic partner in a mixed marriage should ponder is that she stands to lose considerably more than her partner if the union proves to be unsatisfactory. The non- Catholic may adopt the attitude that since the marriage has not worked, he can obtain a divorce and remarry. But the Catholic is married for life. Even if her partner obtains a divorce and remarries in the eyes of the State, she remains married in the eyes of God. Because of this factor, the non-Catholic sometimes assumes a domineering position, knowing that the Catholic has no recourse if he chooses to end their relationship A Protestant in a mixed marriage once summed up in a sentence how he managed to gain his own way whenever differences of opinion arose with his Catholic wife. "I just tell her I can walk out and get married again any time I please, and it works every time," he said.

Because a mother is closest to the children in their formative years, a Catholic wife might succeed in raising them in the faith even if their non-Catholic father refused to fulfill his promises. But the Catholic father who can educate his children as Catholics if their mother opposes him is a rarity. As an indication of the difficulty the Catholic man faces in an interfaith union, one survey shows that the divorce and separation rate is three times greater when the mother in a mixed marriage is a non-Catholic than when the father is.

Do mixed marriages make converts? Catholics seeking to justify such a marriage sometimes say that they are sure they can convert their partner. In the prenuptial promises, the Catholic must agree to work for conversion, of course. But actually the hope that the non-Catholic will enter the Church after marriage is a somewhat forlorn one.

Studies by the author in one large diocese in Florida showed that there is one chance in five that a mixed marriage will result in the conversion of the non-Catholic party. Surveys made in other areas have indicated that as few as one person in twenty is brought into the fold as a result of marriage to a Catholic. On the other hand, it has been established that about 25 per cent of Catholics in valid mixed marriages sever their connection with the Church and 20 per cent might be classified as indifferent since they attend Mass only occasionally. Thus the Catholic who marries with hopes of converting her partner faces a likelihood that not only will he not be converted, but that she will lose the faith as well.

Sometimes when a non-Catholic's offer of marriage is refused, he volunteers to take the necessary instructions and to become a Catholic. A person who lacks deep religious roots of any kind will make this proposal merely for the sake of marrying the girl. The religion itself means little or nothing to him. On the other hand, some of the most admirable of present-day Catholics, and of Catholics throughout history, turned to the Church in adulthood. For this reason, no expression of interest in Catholicism should be rejected without the most careful consideration.

The sincerity of a prospective convert can be tested easily. His intended bride could attend the instructions with him and judge by his questions and his general attitude whether he is accepting the Church because of sincere belief. A person who truly believes in Catholicism and is anxious to become a convert will discuss doctrines enthusiastically and attend devotions voluntarily. The man who displays little or no interest in discussing religion and does not desire to attend Mass and other devotions until his baptism, hardly manifests an attitude which will enable him to remain true to the faith after the first glow of conversion has worn off.

How you can help your child avoid a mixed marriage. How can you minimize the danger that your child may marry outside the faith?

1. Teach him from his early days about its danger. Of course, you should not use the false approach that Catholics are "better" than other people. But you can stress the fact that we are different--and that we have different views on our responsibility to God and our fellow man, on the divinity of the Savior, on the permanence of marriage, on moral questions such as birth control, and on many other points. When questions about marriage or divorce arise in the family circle as a result of news developments, use the occasion to discuss with your youngster the Catholic teaching on these subjects, emphasizing the importance of marrying a person who shares the same views concerning them. At the same time, instill in your child a reverence for his religion so that he will abhor the thought of endangering it through marriage.

2. Provide ways for your child to meet other Catholics naturally. You can do this by enrolling him in Catholic schools or by encouraging him to join the Newman Club where Catholic schooling is not available. Try to get him active in church groups like the Catholic Youth Organization, the parish choir, and similar bodies. By increasing his contacts with Catholics, you will magnify his opportunities to meet attractive Catholics of the other sex. In communities where Catholics are a small minority, make a conscious effort to form friendships with other Catholic families and to encourage their youngsters to associate with yours.

Parent groups can do much to develop parish programs which will enable Catholics to meet and marry their own. Where ambitious social programs have been developed, the increase in all Catholic marriages and the corresponding decline in mixed marriages has been spectacular. For instance, at St. Mark's parish in Cincinnati, Ohio, a co-ordinated program was set up. It included social and athletic events, C.Y.O. activities, a social club for high school students, glee club, and a clubroom where young people could meet. Before this program was started, the mixed-marriage rate was 26.2 per cent. After the program was developed, it dropped to 15.6 per cent. Thanks to a similar program, the proportion of Catholic-Catholic marriages in Little Rock, Arkansas, has doubled.

3. Discourage your child from dating any non-Catholic. To many youngsters, whose only interest in dating is to enjoy an evening's recreation, this proposition may seem unduly severe. Their common response is that they do not intend to marry the person with whom they are having a first date.

These youngsters overlook the fact that almost every marriage starts with a date which neither partner expects to end at the altar. But one date leads to another. The boy and girl who are strangers on their first date become good friends on their third or fourth date. And as dating proceeds, they become emotionally involved, often without being consciously aware of it. Suddenly, they discover that they are "in love." By then the parents may be helpless to end the relationship. Thus the tragedy of each mixed marriage starts with the seemingly innocent first date.

Long before your child begins to date, let him know that he must not date a non-Catholic. He will show no resistance to this instruction when it is presented as a principle and before any personalities are involved. Your teaching may be too late if it comes after he has become emotionally involved with a member of another faith and marriage is a serious consideration.

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THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 16: RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN YOUR HOME

IN ORDER to provide an environment where your child will grow to love God and the things of God, make your home a little sanctuary--a place where he will be constantly reminded of the Lord, and where family devotions will instill habits of deep and lasting Christian piety. Saint John Chrysostom said that the home should be a "little church," a miniature Kingdom of God in which the father strives to represent the qualities of Christ and the mother seeks to make herself like Blessed Mary.

In your home, try to give your children a deep and abiding sense of the goodness of God and an intimate relationship with Him and His Church. In developing family religious rituals--those which establish patterns of devotion which will continue for the life of your family--try to inculcate moral principles, to develop a sense of family solidarity, and to create a deep and lasting love for the beautiful liturgy of the Church and the sacraments which Christ gave for our redemption. In this way, the religious practices of your home will supplement those of the Church, not supplant them, and thus will help your child to achieve a many-sided development of his religious personality Every Catholic home should contain constant reminders of the fact that we were born to know, love and serve God in this world in order to be happy with Him in the next. Such reminders might include a home shrine--a simple altar consisting of a table with votive candles beneath a crucifix is probably within the means of all. In your living room and bedrooms, you should have at least one symbol of your faith--a statue of the Savior and the Blessed Mother, a crucifix, pictures which bring to mind events in the life of Our Lord. In Catholic countries, it has long been the custom to place a holy water font in the front hall, so that all who enter or leave may bless themselves and ask God's grace; such a custom might well be established in the United States. Another custom, worthy of greater usage, is the establishing of a grotto--a shrine to Jesus or Mary in your yard or garden. By all such means, you and your children help to make your faith an intimate part of your daily lives.

Family prayer. The importance of family prayer was taught by Our Lord himself. For he said: "Where two or three are gathered together in My name, then am I in the midst of them." What a pleasing sight must it be to God, therefore, to see the family unit which He ordained gathered together to worship Him.

The beautiful practice of family prayer has been formally endorsed by the bishops of the United States in a pastoral letter to all American Catholics. As they have stated: "The presence of Jesus will surely be a source of blessing to the home where parents and children unite to offer up prayer in common. The spirit of piety which this custom develops will sanctify the bonds of family love and ward off the dangers which often bring sorrow and shame."

As we learned in childhood, we should pray at least upon arising in the morning and retiring at night, and before and after meals. It is much more beneficial to all members of the family, and especially more inspirational to the children, when everyone habitually says such prayers together. Because of different rising times, it may be difficult for all to pray at the same time in the morning. However, the saying of grace before and after meals should become a family habit. No food should be eaten until grace is said, and no one should leave the table until thanksgiving is offered after the meal.

Many families have developed the admirable habit of saying evening prayers immediately after dinner. Other families set aside a period just before the children's bedtime. Regardless of the hour chosen, the reciting of prayers at a specified time each evening establishes habits which will last throughout the years and will give a sense of kinship in God to all in the family.

An especially worth-while custom is the evening recitation of the Rosary. It was most earnestly advocated by Pope Pius IX, who in his last days said: "Let the Rosary, this simple, beautiful method of prayer, enriched with many indulgences, be habitually recited of an evening in every household. These are my last words to you; the memorial I leave behind me." Every member of the family will have a greater feeling of participation in the Rosary if the leader is rotated each evening or for each decade. One time Father may lead; next, Mother; next, the oldest child; and so on until everyone has had his turn. Then the cycle is repeated. Before each decade, the father might briefly discuss the meaning of the specific mysteries in the lives of Jesus and Mary which the Rosary reminds us of. The children should be taught to meditate on these mysteries so that they do not say the prayers without thinking.

A custom of some homes consists of the nightly reading of the Bible. Prayers are said before and after the reading, and there is a discussion by the father or mother of the particular passages read. Another worth-while custom is the reading of the Gospel and Epistle for the particular Mass of the day.

Family unity in prayer can also be achieved if the family attends Mass together. One of the most inspiring memories which many adults now hold is that of their father, mother, brothers and sisters lined up with them at the altar rail, receiving the flesh and blood of Our Lord as a family unit, and then returning home for a festive breakfast.

Celebrating the great feast days. As a Christian parent, you should emphasize the spiritual importance of the feast days of our religion. Secular influences of our times have done much to destroy the significance of such feasts as Christmas and Easter in the minds of the unthinking. As a result, the great holy days commemorating the major events in the mission of Our Lord have degenerated into meaningless holidays in many places, with their true importance minimized, if not desecrated. You should make a special effort, therefore, to prevent your children from being so perverted by Santa Claus or the Easter bunny that they forget that those feasts celebrate the birth and resurrection of Our Lord.

Children everywhere respond warmly and enthusiastically to the spiritual Christmas--much more so, in fact, than they do to secular aspects of the feast. Even tiny toddlers can grasp the fact that when you set up a little manger in your home, you are symbolically preparing a place where Jesus may come as He did in Bethlehem. Dozens of similar customs can impress the spiritual nature of the occasion upon your youngsters.

One such custom involves the Advent wreath--a hoop of wood or wire covered with evergreens and with holders to which four candles can be attached. The wreath may be used as a centerpiece on your table. On the first Sunday of Advent, call the family together and extinguish all other lights in the house. Let the youngest child light the first candle, while the family joins in prayers in honor of the coming of the Savior. Each evening at dinner during the week, the candle may be lit again. The next Sunday, the next youngest member of the family lights the second candle; the Sunday after that, the third youngest; and on the fourth Sunday, the fourth youngest. Each time, the family recites appropriate prayers and the father stresses that the candles symbolize that Christ is the Light of the World and that His coming on the first Christmas made it unnecessary for men ever to remain in darkness again. On the few days after the fourth Sunday and until Christmas, all four candles are lit at dinnertime. In some homes, the evening meal is eaten without any other illumination. This simple custom, when observed by the family from year to year, establishes a ritual which the children will inaugurate in their own families and thus pass on to new generations.

A beautiful custom from France consists in adding straw to the bed of the Savior. About four weeks before Christmas, set up your manger in your home and leave it without straw. Each evening, before dinner, give pieces of straw to each child in proportion to his good deeds for the day. If he has obeyed promptly and cheerfully, he may place straw in the manger; if he has failed to perform his little duties satisfactorily, the Babe will have a less comfortable bed as a result. Youngsters are moved to acts of heroic virtue to show their love for Jesus in this tangible way; they also learn the invaluable lesson that by their self-sacrifice they may often give comfort to others.

Every Christian country has contributed delightful and inspiring customs which will intensify your children's reverence for Christmas. From Germany comes the custom of the Advent candle. A large candle, representing Jesus, the Light of the World, is placed on the home altar or on a table before a picture of the Infant in His Blessed Mother s arms. It is lit each evening during Advent when family prayers are said. From Ireland comes the practice of lighting three candles in each window on Christmas Eve--the candles representing Jesus, Mary and Joseph--while the front door is left unlocked throughout the night so that the Holy Family may enter and obtain shelter. From Slovakia comes the Christmas supper. A strict fast is observed throughout the day, and in the evening family members come from near and far for an annual reunion. When all are present, the head of the family leads in prayer, during which God's forgiveness is asked for all sins committed during the year, His mercy sought for those who have died, and His blessing invoked for the family in the coming year. From Poland comes the "Oplatek"--a large wafer representing the Christ Child which is divided equally among the family. Before it is eaten, everyone seeks forgiveness for offenses committed during the year and all quarrels are considered finished, and the family vows to greet Christmas in complete peace and harmony.

A custom gaining popularity in America is the telling of the Christmas story. The family gathers on Christmas Eve and the father reads the account of the birth of Our Lord from the New Testament. The family then joins in appropriate carols, like "Silent Night," which display a proper sense of awe and reverence for the mystery of the Incarnation. When such practices become a tradition, they assume the status of a ritual, bind the family more closely together, and are often observed by the children when they themselves become parents.

Similar family customs can honor the great feast of Easter. In preparation for the Lord's Resurrection, the family should participate together in Lenten sacrifices. Before Ash Wednesday, for instance, parents and children might decide what practices all will follow during the Lenten season. You may decide to attend Mass together each morning, to abstain from desserts, to recite extra prayers during the evening holy hour, or to pass up favorite television programs in favor of spiritual reading. In many homes, when parents and children forgo particular luxuries the money they save is donated to the poor.

Some families always attend Church in a body on Ash Wednesday for the imposition of ashes which reminds us that we are dust and will return to dust, and that we should observe the forty days of the Lenten season in contrition and prayer. Many families also serve little pretzels with the evening meal during Lent. The pretzel has a deeply religious origin: Once it was the only food eaten during Lent, and its shape represents a person with arms folded across his chest in the form of prayer used in early Christian times.

Holy Thursday may be commemorated by serving an evening meal similar in some respects to that eaten by Our Lord at His Last Supper. In some homes, unleavened bread--still used by Hebrews in the form of matzos-- is served, to represent the bread which Our Lord blessed when he instituted the Blessed Sacrament. On Good Friday, the home altar may be stripped bare; members of the family may stand throughout the evening meal, eating food prepared with severe plainness. On Holy Saturday, there may be a ritual made of renewing the baptismal vows before the home altar. At this ceremony, all members of the family join in the recitation of prayers of thanksgiving for having received the faith. Also on Holy Saturday, it is part of the liturgy for the priest to bless the Easter water which may be sprinkled on the children and over the Easter dinner which traditionally consists of lamb symbolizing the risen Christ.

On Holy Saturday night, your family might gather for a reading of the Gospels which narrate the suffering, Crucifixion and Resurrection of Our Lord. In this way, your children will be impressed with the overwhelming religious significance of the feast which proves to mankind that Jesus was indeed God and symbolizes our own life after death.

Special observances throughout the year. Every day of the year gives you a special opportunity to instill a greater religious appreciation in your children, to broaden their knowledge of Our Lord, the Blessed Mother and the saints, and to strengthen their dedication to the laws of God and the Church. Each day is set aside by the Church to honor a particular event in the life of Our Lord or the Blessed Virgin, or to honor a particular saint. Consulting your religious calendar and one of the many books recounting the lives of the saints, you can discuss these events with your children, stressing the qualities in the saints' lives which we might cultivate. Typical dates, together with suggestions for spiritual development which they offer, are described below:

First Sunday of January: Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus. On this day, encourage your children to recite the Litany of the Holy Name often. Explain why we must show reverence for Our Lord by bowing our heads whenever we hear His name, and by making prayers of reparation to Him whenever His name is taken in vain.

Second Sunday of January: Feast of the Holy Family. This feast affords an opportunity for the family to receive corporate Communion at Mass, for parents to renew marriage vows, and for both children and adults to resolve to model their lives upon those of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. The Epistle for this day is worthy of extra consideration: "Brethren, put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience. Bear with one another and forgive one another, if anyone has a grievance against any other; even as the Lord has forgiven you, so also do you forgive. But above all these things have charity, which is the bond of perfection. And may the peace of Christ reign in your hearts; unto that peace, indeed, you were called in one body. Show yourselves thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you abundantly; in all wisdom teach and admonish one another by psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing in your hearts to God by His Grace. Whatever you do in word or in work, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Col. 3:12- 17)

January 6: Epiphany of Our Lord. This day commemorates the visit of the wise men to Jesus in the stable and marks the end of the Christmas season. In Europe, bread, eggs and salt are taken to the Church to be blessed. The bread and eggs are donated to the poor, and the salt is retained to remind Christians that we should be "the salt of the earth." In telling your children of the visit of the Magi, you might point out that they traveled from afar and endured great hardship to lay their gifts before the Savior. God allows us to receive Jesus in the Holy Eucharist without such hardship or sacrifice. Therefore, we should avail ourselves of the opportunity to do so whenever possible.

February 3: Feast of St. Blaise. He was a physician before he became a priest and then a bishop, and he was martyred in the fourth century. He once miraculously cured a boy on the verge of death with a bone stuck in his throat. A special sacramental--the blessing of throats--takes place on this day, and the aid of St. Blaise is asked in delivering the faithful from throat ailments and other evils.

February 14: St. Valentine's Day. St. Valentine was a priest who was put to death in the year 270. From early times, he was the patron saint of young lovers, but the exact reason why he was so designated has been lost in history. Youngsters can ask him to help them maintain a chaste relationship with those they love.

March 19: Feast of St. Joseph. On this day, children might be taught to emulate St. Joseph for his sense of duty which impelled him to take such loving care of the Blessed Mother and the Infant Child. Because St. Joseph was a humble carpenter, he is regarded as the patron saint of workers everywhere; and the fact that his trade was not highly regarded by worldly men should teach us that it is more important to develop the spiritual qualities which he exemplified than to strive for material success.

March 24: Feast of the Annunciation. The story of the Visitation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary never fails to interest children and to give them a sense of reverence for the beautiful gift which God bestowed upon mankind by permitting His Only Begotten Son to come into the world. You can explain how every Jewish maiden hoped that she might be chosen as the mother of the promised redeemer. The words of the Blessed Virgin, when told that she was to be the mother of Jesus, carry a moral in themselves. Her reply, "Be it done according to Thy word," teaches us that we must always be ready to do the will of God.

May: Month of Mary. During May, encourage your children to show special devotion to the Blessed Mother. Daily recitation of the Rosary is one way of doing so; keeping fresh flowers before the painting of the Mother and Child in your home may be another. The Litany to the Blessed Virgin may be recited in addition. Instruct your children about the many benefits which can be derived from a wholesome devotion to Our Lady.

June 24: Feast of St. John the Baptist. Modern Catholics lack the sense of devotion to this saint that was evidenced in earlier times. So great was the regard for the son of Elizabeth who baptized Our Lord that priests were once permitted to celebrate three Masses on his feast day- -a privilege they had at no other time except Christmas. The story of the life of this saint interests children, from his birth to his beheading at the request of Salome.

June 25: Feast of Saints Peter and Paul. In many parts of the world, this is a Holy Day of Obligation. You might tell your children that St. Peter was designated by Our Lord to lead His flock, and that St. Peter's authority extends to the present Pope in an unbroken line. The Apostle Paul, a convert to Christianity, reminds us of the billions of souls who remain ignorant of Christ and who must be brought into the fold so that there will be one fold and one shepherd.

July 25: Feast of St. Christopher. If you carry a medal of St. Christopher in your car--as millions do--your children will be especially interested in his life. According to legend, he carried a child on his shoulders across a treacherous river one day, and in midstream almost collapsed under the weight. Only when he reached the other shore did he realize that he had carried the Savior upon his back. St. Christopher is widely venerated as the patron of travelers. In some places cars are blessed on his feast day.

September 29: Feast of St. Michael the Archangel. He has a special appeal for young people, for he represents the strength, courage and idealism they admire in their heroes. It was St. Michael who drove Lucifer's bad angels out of heaven when they turned against God.

October 2: Feast of the Guardian Angels. This day has a personal appeal for your child. You can remind him that he has an angelic protector to whom he can turn for aid in time of danger.

November 1: Feast of All Saints. We commemorate the countless martyrs and others who cannot be honored individually because there are not enough days in the year to do so. It is an excellent occasion to discuss the possibility that all of us may achieve sainthood. Some children believe that saints lived only in ancient times; you might point out that many thousands of persons are leading lives of sanctity at this present day.

November 2: All Souls Day. In some countries, family members attend Mass together to pray for their departed ones and perform other acts of devotion in their memory throughout the day. A point sometimes overlooked in teaching young people is that while we can do much by our prayers and good work to ease the suffering of the souls in Purgatory, our loved ones in heaven can also intercede before the throne of God.

December 26: Feast of St. Stephan. The story of St. Stephen--the first martyr--teaches us amidst the joyous Christmas season that we must always be ready to make any sacrifices that the Lord requires. St. Stephen was stoned to death for his beliefs--a reminder that we may suffer ridicule, scorn, and possibly punishment and death for adhering to the teachings of Jesus.

Your child's "special days." One of the best ways to develop active and joyous participation in your family's spiritual life is to observe feasts which have a special meaning for each child. When you do so, you accentuate the religious sense of the particular youngster involved.

For example, in addition to observing your child's birthday, why not observe the anniversary of his baptism to celebrate the day when he became a member of the faith? Some families mark this event by serving special food in the child's honor and giving him little gifts as tokens of love. Sometimes his godparents are invited to the dinner to emphasize their importance for his spiritual welfare.

In Europe, a special ceremony often is built up around the baptismal candle which the parents provide for the christening service and bring home afterward. Each year, on his baptismal day, the child lights the candle on the home altar and renews his baptismal vows in the presence of the family.

Another important observance to a child is the celebration of the feast day of the saint after whom he has been named. In some homes, all members of the family attend Mass and receive Communion on a "name day." The child chooses the food for the main meal that day, and during the evening the father reads a short account of the saint's life. By calling your child's attention to his namesake in this way, you encourage him-to regard his patron as a friend upon whom he can rely for assistance before the throne of God.

Your child's First Communion day should also be a special occasion--one which will impress him with the great spiritual step he takes when he can receive Christ in the Holy Eucharist for the first time. In many places, Mother and Father receive Communion with their child, and celebrate in a special way afterward. In some families, presents are given to First Communicants; these should be of a spiritual nature-- perhaps a crucifix or holy picture for the child's room--rather than one lacking spiritual significance.

His Confirmation day should also be one which your child will remember reverentially and gratefully. Both parents should attend Mass and receive Communion, if possible, and attend the Confirmation ceremony itself. Presents given the child should be of a religious nature. In some homes, special prayers of thanksgiving are said by the newly confirmed youngster before the evening meal, which usually features the food he especially likes.

Articles for the sickroom. Your home should have in readiness the furnishings which a priest will use if he visits it when one is ill. These articles should consist of the following: a table covered with a white cloth; a crucifix with lighted, blessed candles on each side; a glass of water with a spoon and clean napkins by its side; a small bell to summon the family to the room after the patient's confession. If anointing with Holy Oil is to occur, a small supply of cotton should also be on hand for the use of the priest, together with a dish in which a spoonful of salt or a small slice of lemon and some bread crumbs will be placed.

As soon as your children can understand (probably at about age seven) they should be taught that if a person falls ill and appears to be in serious danger, a priest should be called without delay, regardless of the hour. Parents should also remember to advise the priest in case of an illness which may become serious and endanger life; he will call upon the sick person and provide the necessary spiritual attention. Since every Catholic should confess and receive the Holy Eucharist before entering a hospital for surgery, make sure that the priest is given ample time to visit the patient at home.

When he arrives to hear a confession or administer the last rites, he should be met at the door by a male member of the family if possible. The man or boy, carrying a lighted candle, then leads the way to the sickroom. If confession is to be heard, everyone but the patient and priest should leave the chamber. They will be called back by the ringing of the bell. They should kneel reverently when the Blessed Sacrament or Extreme Unction is administered or prayers for the sick and dying are recited.

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THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

APPENDIX

NAMING YOUR BABY

At baptism, your child should be given the name of a saint who will serve as his patron in heaven, and whose life will be a model for him to follow. According to canon law, "Pastors should take especial care that a Christian name be given to all whom they baptize. If they cannot do this, they shall add to the name given by the parents the name of some saint and enter both in the Baptismal Record."

This rule need not restrict parents who seek a distinctive name for their child. Literally thousands of names are available for selection, and in addition variations of a saint's original name may be used, to conform to different languages or national customs.

For example, the name Mary may also be used in the following forms: Mae, Malkin, Maria, Marian, Marianna, Marianne, Marie, Mariette, Marilyn, Marion, Maris, Miriam, Marot, Marr, Maureen, Maryath, May, Molly, Murchie and Murrock.

In honor of St. Elizabeth, you might name your child not only Elizabeth but also Bess, Beth, Betty, Elise, Elissa, Eliza, Elsa, Elsie, Oseult, Isolde or Lisbet.

St. Charles might also be the patron of a boy named Carl, Carlo, Carlos, Carolo, Carolus or Charley, or of a girl named Carlotta, Charlotta or Charlotte.


CHURCH RULES ON FAST AND ABSTINENCE

Fast: The rules of fasting oblige all between the ages of 21 and 59, unless they are in poor health or obtain a dispensation from their confessor for other reasons.

Fast days are all the days of Lent except Sundays; the Ember days at the beginning of each of the four seasons of the year; and the Vigil of Pentecost; the Vigil of Christmas; and the Vigil of the Immaculate Conception.

On fast days, only one full meal is allowed. Two other meatless meals, sufficient to maintain strength, may be taken according to each one's needs, but together they should not equal another full meal. Eating between meals is not permitted, but liquids may be taken in any quantity.

Abstinence: The rules of abstinence oblige all Catholics from their seventh birthday, unless they are excused by their confessor for serious reasons.

Days of abstinence are all the Fridays of the year. Ash Wednesday, Holy Saturday, the Vigil of Christmas and the Vigil of the Immaculate Conception are days of both fast and abstinence.

On days of abstinence, meat may not be eaten.


THE EUCHARISTIC FAST

Persons intending to receive Holy Communion may not eat solid foods or drink alcoholic beverages within three hours of the time when they will receive. They may drink other beverages (coffee, tea, milk, etc.) up to one hour before they receive. They may drink water at any time, even immediately preceding their reception of the Sacrament.


A BETROTHAL RITE

1. The priest (vested in surplice and white stole) with his assistants (vested in surplice) awaits the couple at the communion table. At hand are the holy water stoup and the altar missal. As the man and woman come forward with the two witnesses they have chosen, the following antiphon and psalm are spoken or sung on the eighth psalm tone:

ANTIPHON: To the Lord I will tender my promise: in the presence of all His people.

Psalm 126

Unless the house be of the Lord's building, in vain do the builders labor. Unless the Lord be the guard of the city, 'tis in vain the guard keeps sentry. It is futile for you to rise before daybreak, to be astir in the midst of darkness, Ye that eat the bread of hard labor; for He deals bountifully to His beloved while they are sleeping. Behold, offspring result from God's giving, a fruitful womb won the regard of His blessing. Like arrows in the hand of the warrior, are children begotten of a youthful father. Happy the man who has filled therewith his quiver; they shall uphold him in contending at the gate with his rival.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever, through endless ages. Amen.

ANTIPHON: To the Lord I will tender my promise: in the presence of all his people.

2. The priest now addresses them:

Allocution

Beloved of Christ: It is in the dispensation of Divine Providence that you are called to the holy vocation of marriage. For this reason you present yourselves today before Christ and His Church, before His sacred minister and the devout people of God, to ratify in solemn manner the engagement bespoken between you. At the same time you entreat the blessing of the Church upon your proposal, as well as the earnest supplications of the faithful here present, since you fully realize that what has been inspired and guided by the will of your heavenly Father requires equally His grace to be brought to a happy fulfillment.

We are confident that you have given serious and prayerful deliberation to your pledge of wedlock; moreover, that you have sought counsel from the superiors whom God has placed over you. In the time that intervenes, you will prepare for the sacrament of matrimony by a period of virtuous courtship, so that when the happy and blessed day arrives for you to give yourselves irrevocably to each other, you will have laid a sound spiritual foundation for long years of godly prosperity on earth and eventual blessedness together in the life to come. May the union you purpose one day to consummate as man and wife be found worthy to be in all truth a sacramental image and reality of the union of Christ and His beloved Bride, the Church. This grant, Thou Who livest and reignest, God, forever and evermore.

R.: Amen.

3. The priest now bids the couple join their right hands, while they repeat after him the following:

THE MAN: In the name of Our Lord, I, N.N., promise that I will one day take thee, N.N., as my wife, according to the ordinances of God and holy Church. I will love thee even as myself. I will keep faith and loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee; which things and all that a man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me.

THE WOMAN: In the name of Our Lord, I, N.N., in the form and manner wherein thou hast promised thyself unto me, do declare and affirm that I will one day bind and oblige myself unto thee, and will take thee, N.N., as my husband. And all that thou hast pledged unto me I promise to do and keep unto thee, by the faith that is in me.

4. Then the priest takes the two ends of his stole and in the form of a cross places them over the clasped hands of the couple. Holding the stole in place with his left hand, he says:

PRIEST: I bear witness of your solemn proposal and I declare you betrothed. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

R.: Amen.

As he pronounces the last words, he sprinkles them with holy water in the form of a cross.

5. Thereupon he blesses the engagement ring:

V.: Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Domini R.: Qui fecit caelum et terram.

V.: Domine, exaudi orationem meam. R.: Et clamor meus ad te veniat.

V.: Dominus vobiscum. R.: Et cum spiritu tuo.

V.: Oremus

Omnipotens Deus, Creator et conservator humani generis, ac largitor aeternae salutis, permitte digneris Spiritum Sanctum Paraclitum super hunc annulum. Per Dominum Nostrum Jesum Christum, Filium Tuum, Qui Tecum vivit et regnat in unitate Spiritus Sancti, Deus, per omnia saecula saeculorum.

R.: Amen.

Et aspergatur aqua benedicta.

English Translation:

V.: Our help is in the name of the Lord, R.: Who made heaven and earth.

V.: O Lord, hear my prayer. R.: And let my cry come unto Thee.

V.: The Lord be with you. R.: And with thy spirit.

V.: Let us pray.

O God Almighty, Creator and preserver of the human race, and the giver of everlasting salvation, deign to allow the Holy Spirit, the Consoler to come with His blessing upon this ring. Through Our Lord, Jesus Christ, Thy Son, Who liveth and reigneth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Spirit, God, for endless ages.

R.: Amen.

The ring is sprinkled with holy water.

6. The man takes the ring and places it first on the index finger of the left hand of the woman, saying, "In the name of the Father," then on the middle finger, adding, "and of the Son"; finally placing and leaving it on the ring finger, he concludes, "and of the Holy Spirit."

7. The priest opens the missal at the beginning of the Canon, and presents the page imprinted with the crucifixion to be kissed first by the man and then by the woman.

8. If Mass does not follow (or even if Mass is to follow, if he deems it opportune), the priest may read the following passages from Sacred Scripture:

Tobias 7:8

Tobias said: I will not eat nor drink here this day, unless thou first grant me my petition, and promise to give me Sara thy daughter.... The angel said to Raguel: Be not afraid to give her to this man, for to him who feareth God is thy daughter due to be his wife; therefore another could not have her.... And Raguel taking the right hand of his daughter, he gave it unto the right hand of Tobias, saying: The God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, and may He join you together, and fulfill His blessing in you. And taking paper they made a writing of the marriage. And afterwards they made merry, blessing God.... Then Tobias exhorted the virgin, and said to her: Sara, arise, and let us pray to God today, and tomorrow, and the next day; because for these three nights we are joined to God; and when the third night is over, we will be in our own wedlock. For we are the children of saints, and we must not be joined together like heathens that know not God. So they both arose, and prayed earnestly both together that health might be given them.

R.: Thanks be to God.

John 15:4-12

At that time, Jesus said to His disciples: Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abide in the vine, so neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine; you the branches. He that abideth in Me, and I in him, the same beareth much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If any one abide in Me, he shall be cast forth as a branch, and shall wither, and they shall gather him up, and cast him into the fire, and he burneth. If you abide in Me, and my words abide in you, you shall ask whatever you will, and it shall be done unto you. In this is my Father glorified; that you bring forth very much fruit, and become my disciples. As the Father hath loved Me, I also have loved you. Abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you shall abide in My love; as I also have kept my Father's commandments, and do abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be filled. This is My commandment, that you love one another, as I have loved you.

R.: Praise be to thee, O Christ!

9. Lastly, the priest extends his hands over the heads of the couple and says:

May God bless your bodies and your souls. May He shed His blessing upon you as He blessed Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. May the hand of the Lord be upon you, may He send His holy Angel to guard you all the days of your life. Amen.

Go in peace!

10. Before leaving the church, the betrothed couple as well as the witnesses will affix their signatures to the document previously prepared for this purpose.

--REV. PHILIP T. WELLER'S TRANSLATION OF THE ROMAN RITUAL, Milwaukee: Bruce and Company,


CONSECRATION OF THE FAMILY TO THE HOLY FAMILY

O Jesus, our most loving Redeemer, Who having come to enlighten the world, with Your teaching and example, willed to pass the greater part of Your life in humility and subjection to Mary and Joseph in the poor home of Nazareth, thus sanctifying the Family that was to be an example for all Christian families, graciously receive our family as it dedicates and consecrates itself to You this day. Defend us, guard us and establish among us Your holy fear, true peace and concord in Christian love: in order that by conforming ourselves to the divine pattern of Your Family we may be able, all of us without exception, to attain to eternal happiness.

Mary, dear Mother of Jesus and Mother of us, by your kind intercession make this our humble offering acceptable in the sight of Jesus, and obtain for us His graces and blessings.

Saint Joseph, most holy Guardian of Jesus and Mary, assist us by your prayers in all our spiritual and temporal necessities; that we may be able to praise our divine Savior Jesus, together with Mary and you, for all eternity.

Our Father, Hail Mary and Gloria three times.

* * *

Lord Jesus Christ, Who, being made subject to Mary and Joseph, hallowed domestic life by Your ineffable virtues; grant that we, with the assistance of both, may be taught by the example of Your holy Family and may attain to its everlasting fellowship Who lives and reigns world without end. Amen. (Roman Missal)


FAMILY PRAYER CARD

Every family should pray together. The time for prayer should be convenient to parents and children, perhaps shortly after the evening meal. It is suggested that prayer be led by the father of the family.

In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Our Father. Hail Mary. Gloria. Apostles' Creed.


THE CONFITEOR

I confess to Almighty God, to Blessed Mary, ever Virgin, to Blessed Michael the Archangel, to Blessed John the Baptist, to the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and to all the Saints, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word and deed. (Strike breast three times, saying...) Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. Therefore I beseech Blessed Mary, ever Virgin, Blessed Michael the Archangel, Blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints, to pray to the Lord our God for me.

May the Almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our sins, and bring us to life everlasting.

May the Almighty and Merciful Lord grant us pardon, absolution, and remission of all our sins. Amen.

Make an Act of Contrition.


PRAYER FOR THE HOME

Visit, we beseech Thee, O Lord, this home, and drive far from it all snares of the enemy; let Thy holy Angels dwell herein to preserve us in peace and let Thy blessing always be upon us. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen.


PARENTS' PRAYER FOR CHILDREN

Lord God! Thou hast called us to the holy state of matrimony and hast been pleased to make us parents. We recommend to Thee our dear children. We entrust them to Thy fatherly care. May they be a source of consolation, not only to us, but chiefly to Thee, Who are their Creator. Be watchful, O Lord; help and defend them.

Grant us the grace to guide them in the way of Thy commandments. This we will do by our own perfect observance of Thy holy law and that of our holy Mother, the Church. Make us conscious of our grave obligation to You and bless our efforts to serve You. We humbly ask this blessing from the bottom of our hearts, for ourselves and for the children whom Thou hast been pleased to give us.

We dedicate them to Thee, O Lord. Do Thou keep them as the apple of Thy eye and protect them under the shadow of Thy wings. Make us worthy to come, at last, to heaven, together with them, giving thanks unto Thee, Our Father, for the loving care Thou hast had of our entire family, and praising Thee together through endless ages. Amen.


CHILDREN'S PRAYER FOR THEIR PARENTS

Dear Lord! Fill our parents with Thy choicest blessings, enrich their souls with Thy holy grace; grant that they may faithfully and constantly guard that likeness to Thy union with Thy Church, which Thou didst imprint upon them on their wedding day. Fill them with Thy spirit of holy fear, which is the beginning of wisdom; inspire them to impart it to their children. May they ever walk in the way of Thy commandments, and may we their children be their joy on earth and their crown of glory in heaven. Finally, Lord God, grant that both our father and mother may attain to extreme old age and enjoy continuous health in mind and body. May they give Thee abundant thanks because Thou hast bestowed upon them the great gift of parenthood. Amen.


PRAYER FOR VOCATIONS TO THE PRIESTHOOD AND RELIGIOUS LIFE

Lord Jesus Christ, Savior of the world! We humbly beg of Thee to manifest in Thy Church the Spirit Whom Thou didst so abundantly bestow upon Thy Apostles. Call, we pray Thee, very many to Thy priesthood and to the religious life. And may zeal for Thy glory and the salvation of souls inflame those whom Thou hast chosen; may they be saints in Thy likeness, and may Thy Spirit strengthen them. O Jesus, give us priests and religious according to Thine own Heart!

O Mary, Mother of Jesus! Obtain for fervent souls the grace to hear and the courage to follow Thy divine Son in the path of religious perfection.

Queen of Apostles, pray for us. Queen of Virgins, pray for us.

--CARDINAL SPELLMAN'S PRAYER BOOK


PRAYER FOR A SICK PERSON

Almighty and Eternal God, the everlasting health of those who believe; hear us for Thy sick servant (name inserted here) for whom we implore the aid of Thy tender mercy, that, being restored to bodily health, he (or she) may give thanks to Thee in Thy Church. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.


BLESSING ON SLEEP

Jesus Christ, my God! I adore Thee and thank Thee for all the graces Thou hast given me this day. I offer to Thee my sleep and all the moments of this night, and I beseech Thee to keep me without sin. Wherefore, I put myself within Thy Sacred Side and under the mantle of our Lady, my Mother. Let Thy holy angels stand about me and keep me in peace; and let Thy blessing be upon me.


PRAYER FOR THE DEAD

May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.

ADDITIONAL READINGS ON FAMILY LIFE

{Books that are still in print will have a ">" before them. Books or pamphlets already electronically on Catholicism-On-Line will have an asterisk in front of them (*). If you have access to any of the books and pamphlets below, please contact the System Operator so that they can make arrangements to borrow the materials so that they can be put on the system.}

Below are some of the many excellent books and pamphlets, dealing with various phases of family life:

BOOKS

Banahan, John S. "Instructions for Mixed Marriages." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1957.

Bossard, James H. S., and Boll, Eleanor Stoker. "The Large Family System." Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1956.

Carney, Frances W. "The Purposes of Christian Marriage." Washington, D. C.: The Catholic University of America Press, 1950.

Clemens, Alphonse H. "Marriage and the Family." New York: Prentice- Hall, 1957.

Coomes, A. Francis, S.J. "Mothers' Manual." St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1946.

Doyle, Charles H. "Sins of Parents." Tarrytown, N. Y.: The Nugent Press, 1951.

*Filas, Francis L., S.J. "Family for Families." Chicago: Paluch, 1951.

Geisles, Eugene. "You and Your Children." Chicago: Fides, 1955.

Giese, Vincent "Patterns for Teen-agers." Chicago: Fides, 1955.

Haley, Joseph C., C.S.C. "Accent on Purity: Guide for Sex Education." Chicago: Fides, 1948.

Healy, Edwin F., S.J. "Marriage Guidance." Chicago: Loyola University Press, 1948.

Imbiorski, Walter (ed.). "The New Cana Manual." Chicago: Delaney, 1957.

Kane, John J. "Marriage and the Family." New York: The Dryden Press, 1952.

Kelly, George A. "The Catholic Marriage Manual." New York: Random House, 1958.

Leclerq, Jacques. "Marriage and the Family." New York: Frederick Pustet and Co., 1949.

Lord, Daniel, S.J. "The Guidance of Parents." St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1944.

>Mary, Sister, I.H.M., Mary Roberta, Sister, O.P., And Mary Rosary, Sister, O.P. "The Catholic Mother's Helper in Training Her Children." Paterson, N. J.: St. Anthony Guild Press, 1948.

Mary De Lourdes, Sister, S.M. "Baby Grows in Age and Grace." Norwalk, Conn.: Gibson, 1951.

Mersch, Emile, S.J. "Theology of the Mystical Body." St. Louis: Herder, 1951.

Mihanovich, Clement S., Schnepp, Gerald J., S.M., And Thomas, John L., S.J. "A Guide to Catholic Marriage." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1955.

*Newland, Mary Reed. "The Year and Our Children." New York: Kennedy, 1956.

*-----"We and Our Children." New York: Kennedy, 1956.

O'Brien, John A. "Happy Marriage: Guidance Before and After." Garden City N. Y.: Hanover House, 1956.

Odenwald, Robert, M.D. "Your Child's World." New York: Random House, 1958.

Patrice, Sister Jean, C.S.J. "Your Family Circle." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1952.

*Perkins, Mary. "Beginning at Home." Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical Press, 1955.

*Plus, Raoul, S.J. "Christ in the Home." New York and Cincinnati: Pustet, 1951.

Poage, Godfrey, C.P., and Treacy, John P. "Parents Role in Vocations." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1959.

Sattler, Henry, C.SS.R. "Parents, Children and the Facts of Life." New York: Doubleday, 1952.

Schneiders, Alexander A. "The Psychology of Adolescence." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1951.

Strecker, Edward A., MD. "Their Mothers' Sons." New York: Lippincott, 1951.

Strecker, Edward A., M.D., and Lathbury Vincent, M.D. "Their Mothers' Daughters." New York: Lippincott, 1956.

Theodore, Sister Mary, O.S.F. "The Challenge of the Retarded Child." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1959.

Thomas, John L., S.J. "The American Catholic Family." Englewood Cliffs, N. J.: Prentice-Hall, 1956.

-----"A Catholic Viewpoint on Marriage and the Family." Garden City, N. Y.: Hanover House, 1958.

Ward, Maisie (ed.). "Be Not Solicitous." New York: Sheed and Ward, 1954.

Zimmerman, Carle C., and Cervantes, Lucius F., S.J. "Marriage and the Family." Chicago: Regnery, 1956.



PAMPHLETS

YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY

Noll, Bishop John F. "Seven Instructions Before Marriage." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

O'Brien, John A. "The Christian Home: A Nation's Bulwark." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Pius XI, Pope. "Encyclical Letter on Christian Marriage." New York: America Press.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Your Home: A Church in Miniature." Washington, D.C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

"Towards a Better Family Life." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT

"Concerning Your Children." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

"Father, the Head of the Home." Washington D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

Hynes, Emerson. "Seven Keys to a Christian Home." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

Lord, Daniel A., S. J. "Parenthood." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen s Work.

Lovasik, Lawrence G., S.V.D. "Making Marriage Click." St. Paul, Minn.: Radio Replies Press.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "How to Be a Good Husband." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

-----"How to Be a Good Wife." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet office.

YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

Arnold, Oren. "Love Enough to Go Around." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Baruch, Dorothy. "How to Discipline Your Children." New York: Public Affairs Pamphlets.

"The Parent-Educator Series in Five Volumes": "Parental Responsibility," "Teaching Prayer in the Home," "Teaching Obedience in the Home," "Teaching Honesty in the Home," and "Teaching Citizenship in the Home." Washington, D. C.: The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine.

YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

Dougherty, Daniel M. "Catholic Child Guidance." New York: The Paulist Press.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Questions People Ask about Their Children." St Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Questions Parents Ask about Raising Children." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Parent and Child." New York: The Paulist Press.

WHY SEND YOUR CHILD TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS?

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Go to a Catholic College." St. Louis, Mo.. The Queen's Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Rules for Schooling." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

"Should Children Learn about God in School?" St. Louis, Mo.: Knights of Columbus Religious Information Bureau.

HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEX

Bruckner, P. J., S.J. "How to Give Sex Instructions." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Modesty, Chastity and Morals." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Kelly, John R., S.J. "The Right Answers to Teen-age Boys Sex Questions." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Kirsch, Felix M., O.F.M., Cap. "The Sex Problem: A Challenge and an Opportunity." New York: The Paulist Press.

-----"Training in Chastity." Huntington Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Love, Sex and the Teen-agers." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Sattler, H.V., C.SS.R. "Educating Parents to Sex Instructions." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Training in Chastity." Washington, D. C. Family Life Bureau, National Catholic Welfare Conference.

WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CAN DO TO YOUR CHILD

Broderick, Msgr. Edwin B. "TV and Your Child." New York: The Paulist Press.

THE CHILD WHO IS EXCEPTIONAL

Jacob, Walter. "New Hope for the Retarded Child." New York: Public Affairs Pamphlets.

Wishik, Samuel, M.D. "How to Help Your Handicapped Child." New York: Public Affairs Pamphlets.

Yahraes, Herbert. "Epilepsy--The Ghost Is Out of the Closet." New York: Public Affairs Pamphlets.

SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

Dunn, Margaret M. "Careers Do Not Make the Woman." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

Senser, Bob. "Should Wives Work?" Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Marie Press.

WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

D'orsonnens, J. I., S.J. "Choosing Your Career." New York: The Paulist Press.

Ganss, George E., S.J., "On Thinking Out Vocations to Four States in Life." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Gartland, Frank, C.S.C. "Best Source of Vocations." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Krieger, B. J. "How to Recognize a Vocation." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Can Single Women Be Happy?" Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Offiice.

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

"The Adolescent in Your Family" Washington, D. C.: Children's Bureau Social Security Administration, Department of Health, Education and Welfare.

Burnite, Alvena. "Tips for Teens." Milwaukee: Bruce Publishing Co.

Claude, Robert, S.J. "The Training of the Adolescent." New York: The Paulist Press.

Donnelly, Antoinette. "Tips for Teeners." New York: Catholic Information Society.

Kelly, Gerald L., S.J. "Modern Youth and Chastity." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Landis, Paul H. "Coming of Age: Problems of Teen-agers." New York: Public Affairs Pamphlets.

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

Breitenbeck, G., C.SS.R. "How to Arrange for Your Wedding." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Connell, Francis J., C.SS.R. "Marriage--Human or Divine?" New York: The Paulist Press.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Keeping Company." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"What They Ask about Love and Dating." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"What They Ask about Engagement." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Gartland, Frank E., C.S.C. "Boy Meets Girl the Christian Way." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Healy, Mary Lanigan. "When to Train for Marriage." New York: Catholic Information Society.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Questions Young People Ask about Marriage." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "The Girl Worth Choosing." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

-----"The Man of Your Choice." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

O'Brien, John A. "Choosing a Partner for Marriage." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"Falling in Love." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

-----"How to Get Married." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Poage, Godfrey, C.P. "What You Ought to Know Before Marriage." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

Carroll, Thomas. "Mixing Your Marriage." Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical Press.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Mixed Marriages." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"What They Ask about Marriage Outside the Church." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Ginder, Richard. "A Mixed Marriage?" New York: Catholic Information Society.

Lilly, Warren, S.J. "The Mixed Marriage Prenuptial Contract." New York: The Catholic Information Society.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Marry Your Own." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Can Mixed Marriages Be Happy?" Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

O'Brien, John A. "Catholic Marriage--How Achieve It?" Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN THE FAMILY

Busch, William. "Family Prayers." Collegeville, Minn.: The Liturgical Press.

Byles, Katherine Delmonico. "Religion in the Home for Elementary School Children." New York: The Paulist Press.

-----"Religion in the Home for the Pre-school Child." New York: The Paulist Press.

*McLoughlin, Helen. "Family Advent Customs." Collegeville, Minn.: The Liturgical Press.

*-----"Family Customs: Easter to Pentecost." Collegeville, Minn.: The Liturgical Press.

*-----"Christmas to Candlemas in a Catholic Home." Collegeville Minn.: The Liturgical Press.

*Mueller, Theresa. "Family Life in Christ." Collegeville, Minn.: The Liturgical Press.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Prayers for the Family." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Stokes, Bernard, O.F.M. "How to Make Your House a Home." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

*Weiser, Francis X., S.J. "Religious Customs in the Family." Collegeville Minn.: The Liturgical Press. (Reprinted as "The Year of Our Lord in the Christian Home")